Ain't No Rest For The Wicked Draft 2
by Thunder Beagle
Summary: Dying had to be the most pleasant experience Ranma had ever had. Unfortunately, there ain't no rest for the wicked. Crossover with Naruto and Exalted. Light lesbian and trans themes, humorously applied. Rewrite. Draft 2
1. Chapter 1

This is an updated version of the original ANRFtW, with an actual direction this time. The first few chapters have had a moderate amount of updating, though it's mostly detail work rather than high level changes.

Can't believe, after all this time and the dozens of stories I've started and failed to finish in the past few years, that I'm actually coming back to what was originally just a throwaway me-too story meant as a mere trial run. I'd be worried about the additional crossover of Exalted pissing off this fic's fans, if I was at all worried that this fic still had fans after all this time. But hey, I'm having fun, so even if no one is left to keep up with this story, I'm content.

Unfortunately(or perhaps fortunately), my style has shifted somewhat over the intervening years, which has caused a bit of a conflict in the way I tried(and sometimes failed) to edit these previous chapters. Whether anyone will notice or care, I don't know, but it has caused a slight dissonance in the writing. Do keep in mind, I still consider this to be a rough draft, and as such retain the right to add, remove, or edit any part. Which, duh, but still, some people get angry over weird things.

Also, I realize labeling this fic as "Book One" is incredibly optimistic, as I've never actually finished any story, original or fan work, that I've started. Obviously I'd like to change that, but ultimately this is a hobby. I have no intention of earning a living off of this bit of fun nonsense. Whatever I do, I do it because I enjoy it. Otherwise, what's the point of having a hobby? So keep your expectations low.

Warning: If you're reading this on fanfictionnet, this site has historically treated my prose like it knows better how to edit it than I do. Unfortunately, that means it has a bad habit of deleting things without warning me. This used to bother me, and I tried to work around it, but now I no longer give a damn. This is presented as is. If missing words or strangely punctuated grammar(like my god damned interrobangs) bothers you, I will, eventually, if I finish it, be uploading this to AO3(and maybe SpaceBattles, SufficientVelocity, and perhaps their red-headed stepchild Questionable Questing … still not a porno, so don't let that last one get your 'hopes' up, you sick freaks ;-P). Hopefully those other sites will have less invasive formatting 'options'.

Sidenote: If you are reading this updated fic before the old one, feel free to check out the original version of this fic, the first piece of fiction I ever wrote. And laugh at it. That's laughing as opposed to the laughing you shall do to this one, of course. I make no promises that my kinks overlap with yours(still no porn, pervs).

Description: Dying had to be the most pleasant experience Ranma had ever had. Unfortunately, there ain't no rest for the wicked. Crossover with Naruto and Exalted. Light lesbian and trans themes, humorously applied. Draft 2

 **oOo**

Ranma, in spite of a rather roughshod upbringing, had had perhaps the most eclectic education of anyone alive or dead. Martial arts? Mastered it. Ki manipulation? Child's play. Tea ceremony, ballroom dancing, cheer-leading, and Olympic level gymnastics? Humiliated their best practitioners at their own game left and right. Sexual and mating practices of Chinese Amazons, Musk tribe, oni, orochi, and spirits, both human and otherwise? She could write her doctoral thesis on the subject if she were so inclined.

Despite all this, dying was almost certainly the most unique experience she had had to date. It was also the most pleasant by far. Well, besides the whole 'died a girl' thing, but that was only a minor quibble, really. Drowning in the pure source of the pools of sorrow was bound to have side effects, and maybe it was just the relaxing energy that buoyed her up speaking, but Ranma couldn't help but feel that she got off lucky.

Certainly, she would rather be alive, if for nothing else than to check on Akane to make sure there weren't any lingering side effects from being dried up into a doll and then rejuvenated. However, had she a choice in how to spend her afterlife, she wouldn't change a thing. No worries.

Still a girl? Who cared? She was the best no matter what she looked like. Never going to see friends and family again? Well, it was sad, but at least she left secure in the knowledge that they were all alright. How many people got that?

No, no worries. Just bliss. And peace.

So, you can imagine Ranma's annoyance when, at just the edge of her awareness, there was a slight, tiny pull. Just an insignificant little pull at her essence. It was nothing really. It would go away soon. Except Ranma had experience with insignificant happenstance and they never went away. Instead they led to fights with annoying cheerleaders and perverted orochi and shriveled up old leches.

Still, in this pure light that seemed to reach every corner of her being, filling her with a quiet confidence even she had never known before, she could admit that many of her misadventures had come about because of herself, or rather himself. Here there were no such problems, no attachments to pride or honor, and no one begging for her help. Perhaps she could just ignore the problem until it went away.

With her mind settled in its new path, Ranma set about getting comfortable again. A basic tenet that even a half-baked martial artist knew was how to ignore unimportant distractions in the pursuit of a goal. And Ranma was more than half-baked. She was fully baked. Well and truly … baked. Couldn't get more baked if she tried.

So it went. Perhaps if she had spent more time in thought she would have realized that many of her troubles came not simply from interfering, but from acting without making a proper analysis first.

So, even without her attention, the pull remained. And grew. Slow at first, it graduated into greater and greater demand. Despite this, Ranma remained oblivious. It was mere whim that caused her to open her eyes in time at all. When she did, she quickly realized her mistake.

There in front of her, drawing her inexorably towards itself, was the biggest frickin' maelstrom she'd ever had the misfortune to lay eyes upon.

She only had a moment. One instance to make that split second decision. In true Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu style she reacted the only way she could.

"Oh _shiiiiiii_ _iii_ _iiiiii_ _iiiii_ _iiiiiiiiiii_ _iiiiiiiiii_ _iiiiiiiiiii_ -"

 **ThundrBeagl presents**

 **Ain't No Rest For The Wicked**

 _With deference to_

 _Rumiko Takahashi_

 _White Wolf Publishing_

 _and_

 _Masashi Kishimoto_

 **Book One**

 **Dawn**

Breathing heavily, Ranma slumped onto the nearest available seat. It had been a hard week. Waking up in bizarre circumstances was nothing new, but neither was it particularly pleasant.

Opening her eyes to find herself surrounded by a bunch of shocked looking men was barely worth mentioning. Finding herself still a she, a very naked she no less, surrounded by a bunch of unfamiliar men, set off her personal pervert warning, code blue.

Seeing those same men drawing weapons raised it to crazy perverted martial artists, code yellow. She had no time to debate whether the situation warranted an orange or red as waves of fire and earth sent her into full survival mode. She ran for her life.

Fortunately, the flames were nowhere near the intensity of Saffron's fire. Certainly not enough to give someone with a phoenix pill more than slight pause. Another unexpected bonus was that, in the ensuing tumult, she had taken the Umisenken to new heights, rebuilt the Yamasenken from memory, could likely teach Ryoga a thing or two about his Bakusai Tenketsu, and was well on her way to developing a ki attack based on pure, unadulterated exasperation.

She was also planning on beating Sasuke to within an inch of his midget life the next time she saw him, deserved or no. Even in Nerima people took a break from the ridiculous fights and challenges every now and again. Not so here. Here her pursuers seemed content to spend every waking moment making her life miserable, and then switch off when they got too tired.

At least they sucked at finding hidden opponents, even when she wasn't using her father's prize techniques. Which was a laugh considering this was supposed to be a ninja village. Less amusing was their combat abilities.

Her complete ignorance of her situation was what led her to her current location. Ninja school. Seriously. Not that she would complain about anything that could help her out, but if they seriously called it that… There was only so much manhandling by idiots her ego could stand.

She'd already ransacked the classrooms, digging through everything they had on just about anything. What she'd found had been … less than encouraging. Unless they were even crazier than she had originally estimated, she wasn't in Japan anymore, or even China.

Not that she hadn't suspected something was amiss before—she didn't even look at the night sky now if she could help it—but she had hoped. Hoped what, she wasn't sure. Now, now she was stuck in some crazy, alternate … shit, she couldn't even think it yet. All thanks to some crazy perverts who liked to call up naked dead girls and attack them. She couldn't even leave unless she wanted to give up all hope of getting back.

Being dead was so much easier. Life was just too, what was the word? Crazy. Had she mentioned that word to herself before? That didn't even touch on her body's current state, though oddly it didn't bother her as much as it might have. She tried not to think about what that meant.

Heaving a sigh and leaving her depressing musings behind, she cast about for one of the more promising books she'd brought with her. "Hmm, Treatise on the Politics of the Elemental Nations?" Pass. Useful if she ever left the confines of this stupid village—no sense walking into a war-zone if it could be avoided after all—but she needed something a little more relevant.

"Chakra for Dummies." Weird name, but definitely promising. Whatever this chakra was, it had only passing similarities to ki. Maybe it could even explain why the air seemed to almost burn. Her personal reservoir of energy kept drawing it in when she took time to replenish her reserves. Resting had been a serious challenge before she became accustomed to it and learned to filter the excess heat. It did make for some interesting applications of the Hiryu Shoten Ha, though. Whoever it was that had needed the book was a serious slob, crumbs everywhere. She had cleaned up a bit. It was a fair trade for borrowing without asking.

"Konohagakure, the Village Hidden in the Leaves, A History." Now this was more like it. If she was to pass herself off as a native, knowing what the hell a Hokage was or what the leaf on these stupid headbands meant was a must.

Fingering the forehead protector she had pocketed earlier, she glanced at it with lingering resentment, then sighed again. Getting herself as comfortable as the bench would allow, she started in on what was likely to be a long night.

 _._

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~ **o0{O}0o** ~

 _._

 _._

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 _Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed._

—Vint Bonner, The Restless Gun

Chapter 1

It Don't Pay

"Aaargh! Where is he!? I can't stand it anymore!"

"I can't believe I got stuck with you, Naruto. And yelling isn't helping anyone! Can't you be more like Sasuke?" The boy in question was studiously ignoring his so called teammates, instead choosing to sit apart from them, presumably to brood over the situation he had found himself in, and the future it portended.

Naruto made a gagging noise. "Who would want to be like that idiot?"

Naruto had spent the past hour complaining about how things weren't going his way. It was all 'grand adventure' this and 'Hokage's seat' that. Not to mention the utterly unwarranted shots he kept taking at Sasuke. Just about the only thing Sakura did agree with him on was their no-show jounin sensei.

Not that that was enough. "Who would want to be like Sasuke? Gee, I don't know, the dead last maybe?" Sakura was just about through with Naruto's nonsense. This was her chance with Sasuke and no loser wannabe ninja was going to ruin it for her. No matter how annoying his constant grumbling and the weird noises his stomach was starting to make. "And stop making that sound!"

That stopped any further argument from Naruto. "Uh, what sound?"

Sakura was not in the mood. "Don't play dumb! That annoying growling sound you've been making for the past ten minutes! Did you rush out so fast you didn't eat breakfast!?"

Stopping to listen, Naruto found there was indeed a noise in the background. He had been so agitated waiting that he had failed to notice it. "Ah, that's not me."

That drew the others' attention. "If it isn't you then…" Immediately, Sakura and Naruto began looking around. Even Sasuke looked mildly curious.

Quickly running a circuit around the room, Naruto soon honed in on the disturbance. "Hey, hey! Over here! I think I found it." Standing near the back of the classroom, he was poking around the last bench.

"Honestly Naruto, I don't see any—" But, as Sakura approached, she heard the sound rise dramatically in volume. "Is that … snoring?" Looking at each other, then back at Sasuke, who had finally gotten up and followed them, they turned back to the bench and began to—hesitantly—poke around.

"There's something weird here," Sakura murmured.

Looking more determined then ever, the pair both reached out for the spot that seemed to be screaming mediocrity … and hit nothing. Somehow, the area they were trying to examine … shifted? As they looked, the spot seemed to become more defined.

"Is that a person?"

Finally, as if a spell were broken, the space in front of them seemed to snap into place, and there was indeed a, well, still just a person. The clothing was nondescript, a simple dark blue pair of pants and shirt with a Konoha flak jacket worn over it. A straw hat covered the face. Underneath, they saw large opaque goggles and a dark blue bandana that obscured the person's face. On top of the person's head, completely covering the hair—

"A forehead protector!" Naruto crowed. "It's a ninja! He's a ninja? Whatever! That was so cool, I've gotta learn that! Then I'll be made Hokage for sure!"

"Damn it Naruto, be quiet! I don't want to get in trouble because you pissed off some random jouni—" Stopping mid sentence, Sakura, Naruto and Sasuke all looked at each other. "You don't think…"

Looking more closely, Sakura saw that the jounin was surrounded and partially covered by books. "Criminal Justice Illuminated? Military Transformation and Modern Warfare: a Reference Handbook, Contemporary Military, Strategic, and Security Issues? The Art of the Lesser, A Guide For Genin to Employing Low Level Jutsu to Their Greatest—why would a jounin need these? Unless…"

"A-ha! So that's where he's been!"

Excitement overtaking reason, Naruto stretched out his hand, intent on waking their negligent teacher … and missed his target completely.

"Um."

Reaching out again, more cautiously this time, Naruto managed to actually make contact. Grinning at his success, he began enthusiastically prodding. However, it was to no avail. The snoring didn't even abate. "Agh, how are we supposed to be ninja if teach spends all day asleep!?"

Silently agreeing with him, but not wanting to be seen as such in front of her crush, Sakura hesitantly suggested, "M-maybe some water will—" Before she could even finish, Uzumaki was out the door.

"I'll get it!"

Sighing in exasperation, she turned to face Sasuke, who hadn't moved his eyes off the jounin since they found him. Blushing, she realized that she was now in the perfect position to make small talk.

Slowly, she wracked her brains for the perfect opening. It had to be perfect of course. No sense throwing away this opportunity like a blockhead. Maybe a comment on Sasuke's intensity, or perhaps the likelihood of him quickly earning their teacher's respect. Or maybe … yes, that could … right! She had it!

"Um, so Sasuke, do—"

"I'm ba-ack!" Palming her face, Sakura decided that if they were ever in a fight for their lives she might be just a little slow in watching _Naruto's_ back.

"Heh heh heh, check this out." In his hands was a basin filled with water.

"That's way more than we need Naruto." Couldn't he do anything without supervision? More importantly, if he got that much, how the hell did he make it back so quickly?

"No no, watch this, I heard about this from Kiba."

"Inuzuka? What does he have to do with—" But Naruto was already laying the basin down. Reaching out slowly, he drew the jounin's hand down into the water, grinning maniacally all the while.

"Now we just wait and—aah! What did you hit me for!?"

"You idiot! You can't be doing that to people! Especially people in charge of us!" Well, it was kind of funny but, "it'll take too long. Ah, I mean—" She had not meant to say that out loud. Before she could backpedal, though—

"Yeah, you're right. This will be much better."

Reaching into one of the dozens of pockets on that ridiculous orange outfit of his, Naruto pulled out a few balloons. Why he was keeping balloons on his person was a question Sakura felt was best left unasked.

Removing the hand, Naruto quickly set about using a jutsu to fill three up. Sakura very determinedly did not think on why he knew such a useless technique. Naruto rubbed his fingers. "Ah, geez. That's colder than I remember. Alright, here we go. One for each of us!"

"What!? Naruto, you can't possibly expect us to—" Well, again it was hilarious, but there was no way she could justify it in front of Sasuke.

"Aw come on. If he's really a jounin, then something like this shouldn't even phase him. If he gets mad we'll just say we thought he was testing us! Besides, any ninja that gets caught with his pants down like this deserves everything he gets! Believe it!"

Before she could argue further, Sasuke reached out and took one of the balloons. "Sasuke?"

For the first time since they'd been put together, he spoke. "Like he said, if he's really a jounin…" He left the rest unsaid. There was an intensity in his eyes that unnerved her.

"A-all right. If you say so, Sasuke." He was even better than she had dreamed! Yes!

Naruto seemed equally thrilled. "Woo-hoo! Alright, on three. One, two, three!"

Loosing their volley, the three each looked on expectantly. That was when the unexpected happened.

Almost lazily, the jounin's hand reached up and plucked the first balloon from the air. It was in hand for only a moment before an imperceptible twist of the wrist sent it flying back. One, two, three. Each was expertly caught and returned with no sign that the jounin had even become aware.

"Aah!" The cry from two of them was expected. The pitch of one was rather off though.

"What the hell was that!" Again, the timber was unexpectedly high.

"Naruto? What did you do to—what did you do to your hair!?"

Confused, Naruto reached up to finger a golden lock … and found in its place one of deep crimson.

"Oh my god! Naruto! Did you put something in those balloons!? Is my face splotchy! If my face is splotchy I am going to rearrange _your_ face you—you little … idiot!"

Quickly backing away from the incensed female, Naruto hurriedly rushed out a defense. "I didn't! I mean it! You saw me! The only thing I put in there was the water! And what the hell is wrong with my voice!?" If anything, the stress had made his voice pitch higher.

"Enough, we shou—" Sasuke abruptly stopped his rebuke as he found his voice too had changed. Cautiously reaching up, he was relieved to find his brunette hair unmolested.

"Um, Sasuke? What was—"

"Nothing. I mean," Clearing his throat, he tried to sound gruffer, "It's nothing. Leave it."

"A-all right." No way was she going to touch that one. Whatever it was, Sasuke was sure to solve it. She had more pressing concerns at the moment anyway.

Sakura's hair was still its trademark pink, and no one had commented on anything, but as distracted as they were, and as bizarre as the situation was, she couldn't relax until she found a mirror and checked herself over.

It was at that moment the source of their consternation chose to arouse himself.

"Ah, goddammit. What's with all the racket? Can't get any frickin' rest with—" Her mumbling suddenly cut short, and it was a she after all, the jounin slowly rolled over to face the three genin. Said genin were frozen in shock and more than a little fear. She had to choose just that moment?

"Crap. Did it short out or? That coulda' been dangerous. If somebody—"

Sitting up, the jounin made to stand when her feet collided with the forgotten basin. The clattering sound somehow urged the genin to still even further. Slowly, she looked down. Then, lifting the goggles and removing the bandana, she raised her head and gave the bedraggled children a _look_.

"You uh, you weren't plannin' somethin'? Were ya?" The word punks was left unsaid, but it came through, emphasis and all.

Her blue eyes seemed to crystallize and the air around them suddenly chilled. The basin at her feet was already frozen, the water inside a solid block of ice.

Somewhere underneath her panic, Sakura's intellect analyzed the feeling. She had read about something similar. Killing intent. Extremely experienced ninja could take their intentions and make them almost palpable, giving lesser nin a clear view of their end.

This however, this was nothing like what she had read. There was no intention being conveyed, no desire to kill. Instead, what they felt was the purest form of confidence they had ever known. It went beyond anything they had thought possible.

Here, in front of them, this nin with a simple, open face and clear, honest eyes, she could destroy them. She could destroy the whole village if she wanted to. The Hokage was a mere plaything waiting to be trapped in her cat's paw.

In so many ways, this was far worse than what Sakura had read. At least if her intentions were known they could have a chance to avoid it, but this…

 _Go left and I'll destroy you. Dodge right and I'll crush you. Throw a kunai and I'll just laugh while I annihilate you down to your very essence. I am in control. This room is a battlefield and I am its reigning lord._

Sakura managed to open her mouth. Her breath, she noticed in remote, came out a fog, the water crystallizing instantly. Somehow, she managed to squeak out the name of the technique. "Sh-shikumi." Death foreseeing. It was still apt, even without the literal meaning coming through, as she very much would have preferred a hole in the ground to bearing this terrible feeling one moment longer.

Suddenly, the nin let up, leaving them a trembling mess. The only thing keeping them upright was the fear that she might change her mind if they moved without permission. "Ah, sorry 'bout that. Always a little addled when I get woken up early." Early? It was after noon. More importantly though, they all silently decided to never, ever disturb her slumber again.

Suddenly free from death's clammy grasp, Sakura's newly awakened feelings of self preservation went into overdrive. "It was him!" She pointed desperately at Naruto.

"Uh, what are you—"

"I told him it was a bad idea but he insisted hewastooconvincingdon'tpunishSasukehe'sinnocent and—"

"Hey!" Finally coming to his senses, his own well-being in jeopardy, Naruto immediately tried to cover himself, shouting over Sakura's panicked babbling. "You were the one who said to get the water! What do you think you're—"

"Shut up!" The effect the jounin's words had was instantaneous. They went right back to cowering. "Ugh, jeez. Why do I always get stuck with the—" Cutting herself off she again gave them a look. Not _the_ look, it was fortunately just a regular reproving glance, but it carried far more weight for them than any had before. "Now, slowly, what exactly did you three think you were up to?" She gestured to Naruto and he hesitantly started.

"Well, ah, you see," The annoyed look Naruto received told him to get on with it. "We couldn't wake you up so Sakura said 'get some water' and—"

"Hey!" Before she could properly protest, the jounin's hand zipped out and clamped down on her lips. Naruto continued unabated.

"I brought that basin-full and put your hand in it cause I'd heard about it but Sakura said it would take too long so I filled up some balloons and we threw them at you and then you threw them back and then my hair changed color and I started sounding weird and then you woke up and looked at us and pleasedon'tkillusma'am!"

Taking a moment to parse through the wall of babble, the jounin pursed her lips. Then she started chuckling. "Oh, is that all? I thought you were trying to ruin the books or somethin'."

The genin looked at her incredulously. Sakura was the first to speak up. "So … you aren't mad?"

The jounin waved her hand dismissively. "If you coulda' gotten me with somethin' that lame, I woulda' deserved it." At her words they slumped to the ground, relief getting the better of them. "Ah, you three alright?"

Looking up with wide eyes, Naruto seemed to actually sparkle. "Teach, you have to be the coolest teacher ever! I am so psyched! You gotta teach me how you did that stuff! You will won't you? You just gotta!"

Leaning back from the bundle of enthusiasm, the jounin looked more confused and annoyed than accepting. "Eh, sorry kid, I ain't got the time. I'm … waitin' on somebo—"

"That's us!" Apparently Naruto's enthusiasm for the jounin's skills dwarfed his earlier fright. "We were told to wait here for you, but I guess they didn't realize you were already here. That was one awesome jutsu teach!"

The jounin grimaced. "Uh look, you got the wrong idea here."

Sakura chose that moment to speak up. "You mean you aren't our teacher, ma'am? What are all these books for then?"

"Uh."

Sakura continued, oblivious to the irritation that briefly crossed the jounin's face. "Obviously they're far below someone of your level. You can't be Mizuki's replacement since I saw the man replacing him earlier today, and there aren't any other openings in the staff. The only possible explanation is that you're a jounin sensei. Since we're the last left, you must be waiting for us. I know we're a little inexperienced, but we've all trained really hard to get here and we won't let you down."

Hah! Their teacher couldn't help but be impressed with her use of reasoning and observational skills. She wasn't top of the class on the written exams for nothing. They were bound to be accepted now and it was all thanks to her. Sasuke couldn't do any better!

She ignored the white lie she told when she included Naruto in the 'trained hard' bit, but if it was for Sasuke, she'd hammer quadratics into the brat's pea brain!

…

Ranma, right at that moment, was trying to escape the corner she'd been painted into. This was why she couldn't stand brats. There was no reasoning with them. And why were they even in the building? A quick glance at the clock on the wall told her it was well past school hours. What kind of sensei, especially a jounin sensei, would leave a bunch of brats unatt—

Suddenly, it clicked. There was only one jounin who could be so lazy, only one pain in the ass ninja who would leave his messes for unassuming innocents to stumble into.

Ranma had spent the last week and a half well. Everything from geography to laws to military discipline. Anything that could help her make sense of whatever this hell was, only leaving to forage for food. It was those forays into the city that had been the most dangerous. While she had no doubt she could handle any dozen regular ninja and still make her escape, there were some who were a cut above the rest. One-eye was one of them.

Unlike other ninja, he didn't seem to follow a strict regimen. He just seemed to wander wherever his feet took him. As he had been one of those few who could sense her before she perfected the Umisenken, learning everything about her opponent had taken priority.

Fortunately, it hadn't taken long to learn that those masked dorks carried a so called bingo book with them that contained essential knowledge about all ranking ninja, foreign and domestic. Lifting a copy had been simple enough and it had told her all she needed to know.

Looking back on it, the reason one-eye had been about so much lately was obviously because he was being assigned to teach these kids. Since he couldn't show up on time if his life depended on it, that left his students agitated and over-energized.

Knowing why she was in the mess she was in didn't help her escape it, though. This was a ticking time bomb just waiting to blow up in her face. Another glance at the clock reassured her that she had at least another hour before he showed up, giving her plenty of time to come up with a plan.

She couldn't just leave them. They'd spill their guts for sure. She hadn't scared them that much … yet.

It was then that an idea formed in her mind. A terrible, no good idea. After all, it wasn't in her nature to let others dictate her actions. To be chased sure, but only in the paths she set down. These ninja were a paranoid lot. Going missing was one of their greatest crimes. Going missing nin for even a few hours would leave them putty in her hands, just begging her to fix it.

And fix it she would. No matter how paranoid he was, the Hokage wasn't going to string up genin wannabes just for getting a bit lost. Not that they would know that.

Ranma remembered her father's training when she was young. It seemed like he had an iron fist. Of course, then she grew up and realized it was all bullshit, but still, that was a useful weakness to exploit. Play the foreign nin to the hilt, without actually threatening anything. No sense in making claims she wasn't interested in backing up even if she could.

Not only would she get out of this scott free, but she'd gain some ins too! It was perfect! Besides, Genma was always harping on how Ranma was supposed to take over the dojo and teach. Might as well get a good start on it! Man, was this how Nabs always felt? No wonder she always looked like the squirrel that ate the canary!

"Um, ma'am?" A hesitant voice broke through her musings.

"Yeah?"

The pink haired girl looked slightly ill. "Ah, w-why were you cack … um, laughing like that? I—did I say something wrong?"

Ah crap, she never did have the best poker face. Glancing over the genin she saw that she had managed to freak them out again. "Oh, uh, I do that sometimes. Don' worry about it." That didn't seem to reassure them, but no matter. "Alright, you got me. I guess I could give you three a try."

"Yes! I knew you wouldn't let us down, teach! You're the best!" The orange kid's enthusiasm threatened to sweep up her ego and hug it to death, but Ranma contained the unexpected glow the kid's words had on her.

"Ah ah ah. Not so fast," Ranma chided. "I said I'd give you a try. Beyond that, no promises."

"What!?" Jeez, did this kid have a lower setting? "But you have to! We've got our hitai-ite and everything!"

Poking his forehead protector, Ranma set about demolishing Tang's complaint. "Just because some know-it-all chuunin said you're half decent doesn't mean I'll agree. You don't just walk up to the most experienced fighter in the village and say 'hey, teach me!' You gotta audition first. If I don't like what I see, I toss you back. Honestly, are you all that ignorant? Didn't you look up what it meant to get a jounin sensei?"

By Pinky's shocked and ashamed face, and the others' clueless ones, she figured they hadn't. Perfect. "Every jounin tests potentials first. For every team that makes it," She paused dramatically, "two fail." She grinned at their shocked looks. She had them. "So, if you wanna just waltz into this genin gig, yer gonna hafta find another sensei, cause I ain't it."

For a long moment they were silent and Ranma worried that perhaps she had pushed them too far. They were only kids after all, but then Tang looked up at her.

Standing up straighter, he announced, "Bring it on! I will never give up! Even if you won't be our teacher, I'll still be Hokage! Believe it!"

Hey, not bad. Well, for a snot nosed, loud mouthed brat anyway.

"Alright then, time … to go on a training trip." And get the hell outta Dodge.


	2. Chapter 2

_Don't mind her. She just got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning._

—Popular idiom

Chapter 2

Got Up On The Wrong Side

"Aaaaaaaah!" Once again, Naruto was screaming. Unlike most of his exclamations, however, this one was honestly motivated by sheer terror. Although, given the recent change to his vocal cords, it could more aptly be described as a shriek.

"I swear to whatever gods are listening, Naruto, if we survive this, I will kill you! What the hell were you thinking!?" The pure vehemence radiating from what he assumed was the position Sakura was in behind him did nothing to stall his headlong, hapless rush through the thick forest.

"Why is it my fault!? You were bugging her too! And who the hell would think she meant this when she said—"

"Left! _Left_!"

Sasuke's interjection into the conversation had them quickly rebounding off tree trunks. Just in time too, as a violent eruption had gouts of flame and debris filling the area they had just vacated.

Normally Sasuke wouldn't be so charitable with those he considered nuisances. Unfortunately, that was what led to his current predicament. Setting off on his own had quickly left him paralyzed from the neck down at the hands of their instructor. Now he was reduced to the fireman's carry Sakura desperately had him in, watching for the slightest movement in their blind spot as warning.

"She said it was a game! To pass the time till we got … wherever! What was I supposed to think!?"

Truthfully, Sakura knew he was right, but stress relief wasn't readily forthcoming. She couldn't even enjoy holding Sasuke, stressed as she was. "You were supposed to think she's a psycho who could crush us like bugs if she wanted too! Never agree to anything she says is fun again! Ever! This. Is not! _Fun_!"

A distant, though not distant enough, cry of, "It is for me!" did nothing to sate her ire as they once again found themselves in silent agreement on their teacher.

…

Following at a short distance, Ranma watched as the genin stumbled into another of the exploding tag traps she kept laying down. Had to hand it to ninja ingenuity, those things were damn useful.

Watching the kids in action had lent a few surprises—learning that shadow clone technique was a must—but for the most part everything was as she had expected. Half-way decent reflexes, crap senses, crappier martial ability, and a few basic techniques with a basic mastery over them.

They were starting to work together pretty well though. Well, once she got it through Grunty's head that leaving her team was a stupid idea, anyway. At least that got Pinky motivated, though she was still the worst by far.

Tang seemed to have pretty good reserves, about average or even a little above for a martial artist of Ranma's own caliber. That was surprising. Everything else about them was sub-par, though.

She was starting to get a picture of her students finally, and remembering a few things as well. It … wasn't good. Tang had to be the so called fox brat. Nobody else wore clothes like that.

She'd heard a few things while skulking about and it had made her curious. Yeah, big ass fox demon shows up, destroys half the village, then disappears? And they just so happen to start calling one kid that derogatory name for no reason? Yeah, no. There's only one thing you do with demons you can't beat. Seal 'em. Since that was thirteen years ago and Tang was about thirteen, that led to some unpleasant conclusions.

Then there was Grunty. She'd recognized the symbol on her backside after a while of hard thinking. Uchiha. More importantly, the Uchiha massacre.

With that in mind it wasn't all that surprising the kid abandoned her team first chance she got. Not a good outlook for her future. Ranma could do a few things about it, especially since people around here seemed to be ki deprived, but it would be pretty damn drastic. Probably necessary though.

Considering what happened, and that Grunty was supposedly there for the whole mess when she was younger, it would probably even be merciful. Wasn't like they had head docs in this place. Ranma would just have to make do.

Pinky just seemed to be a throwaway that was unknowingly caught in the middle of village politics she couldn't possibly see, much less understand. Her crush on Grunty was odd, but Ranma was too damn tired to care about that crap anymore. Especially without anyone harping at her to do something about it. Considering Ranma's current state, that made her odd too, so… Hell, it might actually be a good thing. Get Grunty to loosen up a bit.

Ranma sighed heavily. This was supposed to be a quick head screw. Now she and her damn morals were caught in it but good. There was no way she could leave these kids to fend for themselves like this. They deserved a chance at least.

Ugh, whatever. If she was going to do this, she would do it right. Get things in order and take 'em head on one at a time. Sitting around worrying was just too annoying.

First she had to do something about their ki. It had taken a bit of studying, and wouldn't Akane crack up if she knew that, but she'd finally figured that chakra crap out. What she'd found had chilled her to the bone.

Ki was colloquially referred to as spiritual energy, but really it was just excess energy that flowed through the environment naturally. Taking that energy and putting it to use was what made a ki adept, and using it for fighting made you a martial artist. This usually opened up the pathways further than normal, but everybody had at least some flowing into them at all times.

Here though, the free flowing ki was corrupted somehow. This was the Land of Fire, named for the elemental type of 'chakra' that dominated the region. It had driven her crazy the first few days she'd been here. A normal person would have been crippled. She tried not to contemplate exactly what a baby would go through.

So, somehow, that had led people to close off the natural flow of ki into their bodies. They obviously still had the pathways, as far as she could tell from the diagrams she had found. They were just blocked or stunted or twisted around and considered of lesser importance than those that handled chakra.

And what was chakra? Physical energy taken and molded, twisted really, by mental energies. This by itself wasn't a big deal, she did the same thing with her ki after all, but, unlike herself, these ninja didn't have an ever present reservoir waiting to refill what they used. They were literally using up their life.

It had been something of a shock to see just how old the Hokage really was. Sixty-eight. Hell, her pops was nearly fifty. If it weren't for the hair, he'd look just as young as he did when she was born. Her mother certainly didn't look any older.

That didn't even touch on the masters who had reached multiple centuries of life. The old lech could extend his life without anything more than sleep. He didn't even need to _breath_ if he was properly hibernating.

Even normal people that lived long enough sometimes found they'd gotten up to start their day and accidentally left their flagging body behind. (The spooks could be real annoying about it too.) It was a difference that was staggering. It was almost no wonder these people were so antsy. Life was a lot more fragile here.

That still left her with a problem, though. If a normal person, one who'd lived their whole life feeling the flow of ki within them, would be crippled, these kids would probably just die. So she couldn't just open them up. Serious meditation would be necessary to learn how to control and filter the inflowing energy.

That meant she had to get them to sit still for hours a day. Even she wouldn't like that. There was no hope at all for them to get it right. There were other ways to get the knowledge into their heads, of course, but the three of them would probably be even more leery of ancient Amazonian techniques than she was.

Hmm, perhaps, instead of opening a few up at a time, maybe just a tiny one? She'd have to be careful, opening one would wake the others, but if done right, that would leave them seriously inconvenienced. Enough so that sitting still and fixing it might seem more palatable.

Hah! She knew just the one too. Yes, this might actually work. Once she wasn't afraid of working her students literally to death, then they could—whoops. That one had been a little closer than she had meant. Ah well, they were fine. Ish.

She'd had them running for a good few hours. One-eye had to have noticed his missing genin problem by now. Once they extracted themselves from that nasty spiders' nest—and who knew spiders grew that big outside of Ryugenzawa?—she'd gather them up and get them sorted.

Hmm. What did Grunty and Pinky think they were up to?

…

Frankly, Sakura had just been running blindly. Arachnophobia was hardly an uncommon fear, but even if you weren't afraid of spiders, these freaks of nature would change anybody's mind.

She wasn't sure which was more terrifying, the gigantic demon at the center of the nest, or its children, whose gaping maws were more eye level. They seemed to come in two types: fast or hulking, leaving her no choice but to jump between tree trunks and their backs to avoid being overrun. Naruto was losing those weird solid clones of his by the dozens.

"Sakura!"

Aah! That one nearly took her head! "What!?" She did _not_ shriek at Sasuke. "Which way Sasuke!?" An appearance by that red-headed bitch was the last thing she needed right now. She took to the higher branches where it was harder for the larger ones to get at her. She needed total freedom of movement to be able to dodge anything that crazy—

"No, you need to swing me around! You can't use hand seals like this!"

"What!? Are you crazy!? You'll just fall off! And even if I did, so what!? I've got nothing that could stop these, never mind—"

"Shut up! Listen! Swing me around and tie me off. You're going to use a jutsu I know. It's horse, tiger, ram, monkey, boar, horse, tiger. It's a fire release jutsu. You control it by—"

"What!?" He had to be losing his mind. "I can't form fire chakra yet, Sasuke! Even if I could I don't have the chakra to—" Argh, they were everywhere! Jumping up, a clone caught her and tossed them off to the side, right before being summarily eaten and dispelled.

"You'll use mine! Naruto doesn't have the control, you do! There's no time, just do it! Thumb and index in a circle Sakura, that's how you—aah!" A lucky swipe scraped across their sides, catching Sasuke more than Sakura. She flipped forward, rolling underneath one she'd taken to calling Death Incarnate, and dodged around the little stabby ones, heading toward the greatest mass of clones. A few smaller greenish ones, gremlins, her mind feverishly supplied, suddenly appeared and, opening their mouths, let loose a flurry of spikes.

They were spitting now!? Oh god, they were so dead. "Naruto! Help! Cord!" Somehow he already had it ready. Swinging around, they regrouped in a small clearing near a rock wall. There was a bottleneck entrance which would hopefully work in their favor and not just turn their death from quick and painful into slow and excruciating. One Naruto quickly helped them change positions.

"This had better work you bastard! If you get Sakura hurt!"

"Shut up!" The concern was nice, but she preferred being injured and alive to being nice and dead right now. "And how do you even know—"

"Clones."

Well, that was a puzzle for another week she wasn't about to die in. "This had better work!" Quickly, she felt out for Sasuke's chakra. Feeling it surging at her back, and not even thinking how that made her feel, she started the seals. _Horse, tiger, ram, monkey—_ The horde was almost upon them— _boar, horse, tiger_. "Fire release!" Rearing back with the deepest breath she had ever taken, feeling the foreign chakra surging within her, she released it with one simple word. "Die!"

Her breath exploded in a fiery tumult. She nearly lost control, and several clones paid the price, but her will was done. The approaching monsters died by the dozens, their stupid animal hunger having left them clumped right in her fire's path.

Finally, the fire guttered out, leaving a war-zone of destruction in its wake, a wretched few dragging their bodies with whatever they had left. Whoa. And eww. Just eww.

"Sakura! You did it! That was amazing!" She was too exhausted, the rush of endorphins finally subsiding, to correct him on Sasuke's involvement. It had nothing to do with the glow his words brought up in her.

"Good job, Sakura," Sasuke tiredly said into her ear.

 _Eeee! Sasuke complimented me! Yes!_

Unfortunately, it was at that moment that Death Incarnate chose to remind them of its presence.

It seemed to have no problem shoving the trees out of its way, and the rock was far too slick and smooth to climb with anything near the rapidity they needed. In another time and place, Sakura might have chided herself on her new habit of giving odd names out. Strange what the prospect of death does to a person. "Sasuke? How many of those do you have left? I think we need it." Instead of answering, she felt him bring another surge to the fore. "Okay, here goes … here goes."

This time, with some experience under her belt, she was a little quicker and less wasteful. Eking out every last drop of chakra the two had, she again drew back. "Fire release!" Foregoing any desperate last words, she focused entirely on controlling the chakra.

Again the fire reached out, this time far larger than the first. The monstrosity was quickly enveloped. It let out an ear-shattering screech, causing Sakura to nearly drop the jutsu to clutch at her ears, but she somehow held on.

Finally, after several seconds longer than she thought should be possible, her jutsu gave out and she slumped to the ground, drained completely. There, that was it. She had done it.

Unfortunately, her self-congratulations were premature. Death Incarnate was aptly named. It staggered for a moment, then reared back, loosing a cry far more painful than the last. "Oh god. It's on fire now! It's pissed off and it's on fire!"

Her panic overtaking her, Sakura fell on all fours, hoping beyond hope that she could somehow drag herself and Sasuke to safety.

A bit of orange caught in the corner of her eye. Naruto, rushing out. What did he think he was doing?

Chakra surged from Naruto's body, forming a dozen more clones. It was obvious he barely had the energy to make that. They briefly formed a squad around him, then shot out to the sides as the flaming legs crashed into the soil, nearly crushing Naruto himself. The clones each landed on the surrounding branches and trunks, using them to rebound directly towards the spider. Drawing weapons, they each let out a valiant cry … and were promptly dispelled by the flames.

Had the situation not been so dire, Sakura would have burst out laughing at the comical look on Naruto's face. Instead, all she could do was look on in horror as a leg drew back and swung around, slamming into Naruto and flinging him back behind her. She felt as much as heard the bone-shattering crunch as his body struck the stone, then landed on the forest floor.

"S-Saku…"

Whatever Naruto was trying to say was drowned out by the approaching beast.

This was it. They'd done all they could and it wasn't nearly enough. She had failed Sasuke. Failed Naruto. Feeling her will slip from her grasp, she took one final defiant look up, demanding that much of herself at least.

It was only because of this that she caught it at all. Out of nowhere, a flash of crimson dashed out far faster than she had ever seen anything move before. It leaped forward and crashed into the spider's flaming body.

Instead of rebounding or even sending both to the ground, the figure's legs seemed to absorb the blow. Then, in an instant, they snapped out in what looked like a reverse axe kick, sending the spider crashing back through the trees, and leaving the figure hanging impossibly for a few moments.

Slowly, majestically, she floated to the ground. It was her. Their teacher.

She had removed her headgear, revealing the deep red of her hair, tied back in a simple pigtail. Flashing Sakura a grin, she turned around. It was then that Sakura saw what they had again forgotten.

More spiders. Dozens. Of course.

They had badly miscalculated. Belatedly she realized that even if the second fireball had worked, they would still be left with all of that on top of chakra exhaustion.

The numbers didn't seem to bother their savior however. She simply stood in a relaxed stance as they bore down on her. It wasn't until they were literally on top of her that she even bothered to move, and when she did, it was almost lazily.

She weaved through the throng with ease, striking almost imperceptibly, but with precision and power. Stabbing prongs missed, needles were plucked out of the air, bodies thrown contemptuously away.

It was a dance. Not like a dance, but literally a dance. Beautiful, hypnotic, and oh so deadly. It was over almost too soon. Sakura could do nothing but gaze in amazement.

It was then that the brood mother made its return, shrieking in rage. Instead of cringing in fear, this time Sakura felt elated, overjoyed at the prospect of this fight.

This, this wasn't her. It was their teacher. Shikumi.

She had used it before. But this was so much more. Instead of crushing her under its weight, this lifted her up, confidence filling her to overflowing. Shikumi didn't do this. This was the very opposite, taken to the utmost heights of its possibilities.

Before she knew it, Sakura was standing again, held up by this unknown power.

Raising a hand, again lax in movement, the jounin slowly pointed it in the direction of the spider. As if sensing the change in its fortune, the beast roared and made to rush forward.

Motes of light started dancing around the nin's body, flowing up into her outstretched hand. Concentrated chakra, Sakura absently noted.

To see chakra, even in part, without a special bloodline, took massive amounts of it concentrated in a small area. This was a full orb of light. It was impossible.

The gathering chakra seemed to crescendo in might, then, suddenly, just as the beast was on top of them, the jounin spoke. "Moko Takabisha."

Fierce tiger … domineering? Before Sakura could fully decipher the meaning of the name, the glowing ball of chakra loosed itself and shot out. The spider didn't even have a chance to scream. It was picked up and hurled backwards at an impossible rate. She could only watch in wonder as it tore through the forest, leaving a huge gash along the ground, until she could no longer even hear it.

What? What was… How did that even happen? How…

A sudden pressure on her shoulder had her looking back. Her teacher was standing in front of her. She was so short, barely taller than Sakura herself. On her brow, a last fraction of her energy sparkled on her brow.

How such a small body could hold so much power, it was beyond Sakura's understanding. But she wanted to understand. Looking into those clear eyes, she felt a mad desire to possess that feeling in any way possible.

The jounin smiled. "Heh, not bad. You three actually impressed me."

The words came with a carefree grin, one that made Sakura want to either tear her own eyes out, or give the jounin the fiercest hug she'd ever received. Not being able to do either, she compromised. As she collapsed into her new teacher's arms, her eyesight failing her, the last thing she saw was concerned blue eyes below the glitter of a setting sun, and a halo of crimson radiating outward.

.

.

.

~o0{O}0o~

.

.

.

Warm. That's how Sakura felt. Warm and full, as if she'd just finished the best meal of her life and was now lazing under a warm blanket. Which, now that her senses were coming into focus, was actually true, as far as the blanket went. Opening her eyes slightly, she saw the dusky sky, the sun obviously having just set.

Putting that aside as less important, she began to wonder about the hemmed in feeling she was getting. A feeling that was obviously coming from the two warm bodies at her sides. The two warm bodies with warm, enveloping arms. The warm, enveloping arms that were even now enthusiastically squeezing her. Squeezing her…

"Eeeeeee!"

Her eyes shooting wide open, her brain furiously trying to come up with an explanation, she did the only thing she could. She froze solid.

"Eh? What's going on?"

Naruto, that was him to her right. But who? A short familiar grunt let her know. It was Sasuke. She was in bed with Sasuke. And Naruto. At the same time. Together. In bed. With her. Squeezing her! Squeezing her… Her face was so flushed by this point she was certain she would start hemorrhaging to death at any moment.

"Wha—Aaah! Sakura! No! I di—I'msorrypleasedon'tkillme!"

Somehow, Naruto's panic relieved some of her own. Movement to her left let her know that Sasuke had awoken as well. Leaning up, he turned to look at her. "Sorry." Short and to the point. That was so Sasuke.

"Ah, d-don't worry about it." _Thank you god!_

"R-really?" Naruto's hopeful voice had her turning around to look at him.

Well, she supposed she should have been mad, but it was too late now, and it wasn't like he hurt anything. Besides… The direction those thoughts were going in had her blushing all the more. "Um, yeah, don't worry about it Naruto." The relieved look on his face was kind of cu—gaah! Where did that come fro—

"Phbbbt-ahahahahaha! Oh, oh no, that was great. Ha hahahaaa."

That was neither Naruto nor Sasuke. Turning, the three of them found their teacher rolling on the ground, laughing her guts out at them. She had apparently returned her goggles and bandana to her face, but the hat had fallen when she had.

"Oh, oh man. Heh, heheh. Always wondered what that looked like from the outside. Now I know why people were always cracking up around me."

She hadn't even bothered to get up off the ground when she addressed them. What kind of jounin was she!? "You! You tried to kill us! What do you have to say for yourself!?"

"Yeah! What the hell was that!?" Naruto joined in.

Still chuckling, the jounin made to rise. "Eh, what about you Grunty? You got any complaints?" Giving her a long considering look, Sasuke slowly shook his head. "Heh, good. At least one of you gets it."

"Sasuke? What..?" Their sensei just tried to kill them and he was just brushing it off?

"They activated."

His words were so low she almost didn't hear him. "What did you say?"

Looking over at her briefly, he just made a dismissive movement of his hand.

Drawing their attention back to her, their instructor spoke. "So, you two still pissed?"

"Hell yeah, we're pissed! That was crazy! You can't just do that to us!" Naruto was really wound up. Sakura wanted to agree, but was caught between her anger and Sasuke's dismissal.

"Well, I got just the thing ta make sure it never happens again."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

Leaning forward, the jounin spoke conspiratorially. "Give up on being ninja."

"What!? No way! Why the hell should we do that!?"

"Teacher, that's too much!"

The jounin raised an eyebrow, considering them. "Oh? And just what do you think being a ninja means? Getting spoon-fed for the rest of your lives?"

Any retort they had died on their lips.

The jounin sat back, the same air of severity that she'd worn before in the classroom coming over her. "Being ninja means fighting, not just for your life, but for stupid things like other people's money and pride. If you're gonna get all prissy over a few bugs, give up. I mean it. Well, what's yer answer? Still pissed?"

Her words were like a splash of cold water to their faces. "…No ma'am." Sakura mumbled, well and truly chastened. Naruto was less cowed, and Sakura worried for a moment he'd set their instructor off, but he just shook his head.

Fortunately, their instructor didn't seem to take notice of Naruto's rebellious attitude. She moved to a nearby fallen tree, gesturing for them to follow. "Alright you three, come on over here. Might as well get started." Watching her sit down, and noticing they were near the edge of the forest now, the three cautiously obeyed. "Okay, first things first. As far as the test goes, you passed."

Immediately, Naruto leaped back up. "Yes! I knew it! We are awesome!" He started dancing around, but Sakura barely noticed his immature antics through the huge grin growing on her face. Even Sasuke's smirk looked extra pleased.

Unfortunately, their instructor quickly dashed their celebrations. "Whoa, hold on there. I said you passed. I didn't say you passed with flying colors or anything." At their offended looks she frowned. "Don't get me wrong, you did fine, and, honestly, I blame your teachers more than anything, but when I was your age a few creepy crawlies wouldn't have given me nearly the trouble you three had." As they gaped at her, their instructor proceeded to tear their performance to pieces. "Let's see. Taijutsu, sub-par, especially you Tang."

It took them a moment to realize she meant Naruto. "T-Tang!?" Naruto protested. Their teacher didn't even pretend to care.

"Reflexes, meh. Senses, crap. Grunty, you shoulda' sensed me twice as fast as you did, especially since you didn't have anything else to do."

Sasuke scowled.

"You have an okay assortment of techniques, but you obviously don't have any experience using them in the field. Pinky," Sakura jerked, too shocked at the name to even protest, "you've got a decent grasp of the basics, but you gotta be able to put it to use. And Tang, always test your techniques to their fullest before you go running off to use them in battle. You had no idea how much damage those clones of yours could take, did ya?"

Naruto looked abashed and Sakura herself didn't seem to know whether to protest or beg forgiveness. "Battlefield awareness was pretty bad too, although, Tang, you did better than I expected. Tell me, when one a' those clones goes poof, what happens?"

Naruto paused, obviously surprised by the question. "Ah, well…" The jounin waited patiently, not pressuring Naruto in any way. It seemed to help Naruto's nervousness. "When it dispels, it's like, I get everything it did. And I know what it knew! Like a—"

"Mini-you right?"

Naruto looked amazed. "Yeah! How did you know?"

The jounin's grin was dazzling. "Well, you were responding to your teammates a lot faster than should have been possible unless you're psychic, and you ain't nearly at that stage of your training yet, so I just made a guess."

For a moment, they were too impressed by the jounin's words to completely process what they meant. Unsurprisingly, Sakura was the first. "Wait, psychic? And what do you mean at that stage? You can't just train up a whole bloodline limit!"

The jounin just shrugged, as if well established laws of biology were just a suggestion. "Depends on who's trainin' ya. As far as what I mean by psychic, it's sensing the intent anyone around you has. When that intent turns hostile, you sense it and your reflexes just kick in. I can do it even in my sleep, but with a bit of practice you should be able to get basic feelings outta those around you.

"Of course, if the person doesn't mean to hurt you, or there's no intent behind it, like somebody accidentally knocking a pot from a window above your head, then you just gotta rely on your other senses. Can be a bitch. I've seen more'n one get taken out cause they were relying too much on one sense."

That almost literally knocked the wind out of them. Sakura could barely believe it. Slowly, she raised her hand. "Um, but ma'am, this sounds like a bloodline limit. How can you possibly…" Trailing off, she gave an expectant look.

The jounin didn't seem to think it a weird question. She just chuckled. "Heh, well, in a way, I guess it is a bloodline, but a martial artist is the master of the human body. I know some tricks that'll get things going in you. It's really more to do with energy and mind than your body anyway. I know tricks that can leave ya weak as a baby, turn the feeling of mild heat inta scorching, even make ya forget yer own face. It's all under my power."

Sakura was speechless. For a moment, no one spoke, just processing. Finally, Sakura again took to the fore. "This sounds amazing, but … how come I've never heard of this? A bloodline as powerful as yours would be famous."

The jounin rolled her eyes. "Why the hell would I advertise it? Ninja are crazy. I've heard a' more'n one clan that got wiped out because they didn't know how to keep quiet." Beside Sakura, Sasuke's eyes darkened.

For her part, Sakura was more confused than anything. "But…" She had so many questions, not least of which was…

"Why am I telling you then?"

Sakura nodded.

"Simple. If you piss me off, I just make everything ya know about me disappear." The jounin waggled her fingers. "You know. Wipe the concept of me even existing from yer brains."

And now they were good and terrified again.

The jounin just smiled. "Relax, I'm sure three upstanding young ninja like yourselves would never do anythin' to piss me off like that, right?" The vehement nods she received were quite enthusiastic. "So, with that decided, welcome to Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu."

Sakura tried to parse that. "Um, indiscriminate..?"

"Just call it Anything Goes alright?" They hesitantly nodded. "Alright, one last thing, and this is a big one. I've been putting it off, but I really can't do that anymore." She gave them each a hard look, and they gulped. "What … are your names?" They collectively fell off their seats.

Sakura lunged forward, jabbing a finger at the jounin. "How can you go all this time without knowing that!? That's important!"

Sakura's only answer was a dismissive wave, "Didn't actually expect to keep you three. Like I said, I was kinda impressed."

Naruto was red-faced, looking like he wanted to scream. "Naruto Uzumaki! That's my name, and you damn well better not forget it!"

Sakura followed, with just as much rancor. "Sakura! Sa-ku-ra Haruno! Not _Pinky_!"

Sasuke just heaved a sigh. "Uchiha. Sasuke Uchiha."

The jounin gave each of them a nod, falling into an easy smirk. "Well then, name's Ranma, Saotome Ranma. Saotome is the family name and the branch of Anything Goes you'll be learnin'." At their looks she said, "Don't ask, it's a cultural thing where I'm from."

Unable to contain herself any longer, Naruto jumped up and started shouting. "Whoo! Yes! We did it! We're finally ninja!"

The eyebrow Ranma raised at that was not comforting. "Eh, not quite. First, for now you're just students. Second. I can't actually train you to be ninja."

There was a long, pregnant pause, which Naruto quickly helped midwife by screaming, "What!?"

If it had been any other time, Sakura would have beaten Naruto senseless for damaging her hearing. As it was, "Miss Saotome! Are you just screwing with us!?"

Flashing a grin, she replied, "Well, maybe a little, but I'm tellin' ya the truth when I say I can't train ya to be ninja."

"But … but why no-ot?" While Sakura kept up her glare, Naruto was trying the 'whiny puppy dog eyes' treatment.

It didn't help.

"I can't train ya to be ninja," Ranma leaned in, as if to convey some earth shattering secret, "because I'm not a ninja…"

For a moment, there was total silence.

…

"What the hell are you talking about!"

"Told ya. Not a ninja."

"But—but you have a Konoha headband!"

"Stole it."

"Those techniques!"

"Not ninja techniques."

"You lied to us!"

"Ye-ep." That stopped them cold.

"Sasuke, say something!" Sakura demanded. Sasuke regarded Ranma for a moment, then turned to the others.

"It's fine."

Sakura felt her jaw go slack. "F-fine? But Sasuke! If she isn't our teacher then… Oh no. We just ran out on our jounin instructor! That means, that means… Missing nin! We're missing nin!"

"Yep, got it in one." Ranma unhelpfully agreed.

"Nooo! I can't be a missing nin! I have to become Hokage!" Naruto cried.

Like Naruto's stupid fantasies were the most important thing right now. Sakura tried to make him understand. "No, Naruto, you don't get it! Right now, there's a pissed off jounin looking for us!"

"Kakashi Hatake." Sasuke chose that moment to intrude on their little breakdown. Ranma watched curiously at the only one not to be dismayed by her revelation.

"W-what? What was that Sasuke?" Sakura couldn't believe her ears. She had to have misheard.

"Kakashi Hatake. The name of our jounin instructor. The _male_ name of our jounin instructor. The teacher mentioned it before he left." Sasuke regarded them with a look that could only be called scathing. Sakura looked completely blindsided, but Naruto took it completely differently. He grabbed Sasuke by the lapels and jerked him forward.

"You knew!? How could you!? Why didn't you say anything you bastard!?"

"It wasn't important."

That set Naruto off. She clenched her fist and made to make a swing.

"Enough horsing around you three. Honestly, like a bag of starvin' squirrels." They hadn't even seen her move, but instantly she had a firm grip on Naruto's arm. Naruto struggled in her grip.

"Damn it, I'll never forgive you for this! I'll make you pay somehow!"

"Oh? So that means you're giving up?" At Ranma's chastening, Naruto stilled somewhat.

"B-but, we're missing nin now? How can I be Hokage if they won't even let me back in the village?" _Agh! Not important at all, you idiot!_

Ranma seemed to agree. "Geez, aren't ya being a little over-dramatic? You've only been gone a few hours. A good excuse and you'll be right back in the running."

"Wait," Sakura interjected at that, sure she heard wrong. "Hours? But we had chakra exhaustion. That can take days to recover from."

Before Sakura could even register, much less stop it, Ranma had her fingers on Sakura's head, mussing her hair in an 'aw, aren't you adorable' kind of way. "Well, I hadn't been too sure about it at first, but when I saw you sharing chakra with Sas' over there, I figured you could take a bit of my ki no trouble. Tell me, you're feeling better than you ever have ain't ya?" At their affirming nods she continued. "Like I said, Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu. That's what I'm offering to train ya in."

They considered this for a moment, before Naruto spoke up. "But, the village."

Ranma pulled her fingers back, and Sakura blinked at the sudden appearance of a braid in her vision. How did she—that was one hand! "Ah, that's no trouble. One good excuse and you'll be fine, and it just so happens that I have one ready to go. Of course, if you ain't interested I guess I can just g—"

"No!" The demand in triplicate was a bit surprising, but Sakura wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Finally, at their vehemence, Ranma sobered up. "Alright then, but before we go any further, I need to know that you'll be good students. My training is tough, and sometimes things won't always make sense, but I don't want to have to stop every three seconds to make sure you're doin' what I told you just 'cause you think it's useless or somethin'. You have to do everything I say, no questions, alright?"

Naruto and Sasuke seemed to have no problems agreeing, but Sakura was much more cautious. "How do we know you aren't a spy, just using us to steal village secrets?"

Ranma, surprisingly, took her seriously. "Hah, good question, but a little short-sighted. You found me in the heart of the most powerful military power you know of, unless that's just propaganda, reading what? Basic geography, history, military doctrine, stuff you've known for years right?" Again, they nodded. "If I were from some other village, I wouldn't need that stuff, I'd already know it. Except I'm not. I ain't from around here. I ain't from anyplace you ever heard of. What do ya know about summonin' jutsu?"

As expected, Sakura was the first to speak up. "Well, it's a space-time jutsu. Usually used to transport creatures or weapons across large distances when necessary."

Ranma nodded. "And your tech? Radios and TV's and stuff? You ain't got that great of an industry here. Where does most of it come from?"

Sakura paused, then looked away uncomfortably as she realized she didn't know.

Luckily, Ranma had the answer. "Summoning. You get a bunch a' guys together in a room with seals covering the inside, and they use chakra to … hmm, I ain't quite figured out exactly what they're doin' yet, but they reach out with chakra to find stuff. Couple weeks ago, they found me."

Sakura's mind boggled at that claim. That—that couldn't be true … could it? But Ranma wasn't finished. "Yep. Wakin' up naked surrounded by a buncha old men ain't my idea of a good time. Been trying to get back since. That involves not dying first, so I had to get the lay a' the land. S'what I was up to when you stumbled over me. I was just gonna give ya a scare, but like I said, you impressed me, and I ain't sure how long I'll be here. It mighta been a one way trip." She shrugged.

"That's the truth, and here's another. Once you're in the Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu, you got more'n a clan. The school is everything, your whole life. Perfecting it is my goal. An' to do that, I need help. So when I teach ya, I ain't gonna hold back. Everything I know, you'll know. That goes every which way, no hoarding techniques. You'll have a hard time as it is, no sense in going it alone. And I mean it about going it alone."

She turned to Naruto. "You want to be Hokage? I'll carve your damn face inta the mountain myself."

Sakura came next. "You want fiancees? I'll teach ya techniques that'll have 'em beggin' to marry you. You can have a whole damn harem for all I care."

Sasuke came last, as the most obviously difficult one to convince. "You want revenge?" Sasuke's eyes narrowed dangerously. "If I have to, I'll track him down, tie him up, an' toss him at your feet. If you'd rather do it yourself, I'll make you ten times his better. That's a promise."

They looked at her with awe. Even Sasuke's mouth was slightly askew.

Sasuke blinked, then shook himself. "You know. How—No, it doesn't matter. Why would you do this?"

Ranma locked eyes, letting Sasuke study her for a bit. "That's a hard question to answer without being able to show you who I am and where I come from. We're a lot different from people around here.

Ranma turned her gaze upwards, looking kind of sad all of a sudden. "Short answer? You three are about to get screwed over an' I don't like it. Be honest with yourselves, the fox kid, a survivor from a massacre, and some clanless no-name. As far as the higher ups are concerned, you're just a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. Putting you together keeps you contained at least, in case you manage to implode or something."

Sasuke and Naruto's hands clenched, and even Sakura felt the tension.

Ranma shook her head thoughtfully. "This village has been pissin' me off since I got here, an' I don't let that go easily. Trainin' you up is plenty good revenge. Besides, if the Hokage an' the top two ninja are on my side, I figure I'll have a better chance at getting home. Like I said, don't go it alone if you can help it. Especially when so many are ready an' waitin' to screw you over."

Strangely, Naruto seemed to be near tears. "Gramps wouldn't do that to me."

"Gramps?" Ranma questioned.

"He's the Hokage, he's always been there for me."

Oh. That explained the obsession, at least.

Ranma set a hand on Naruto's shoulders. "Maybe he wouldn't, but he ain't the only one runnin' this village, an' none of you are real popular with them."

Sakura was in shock, and Sasuke's eyes were as hard and brittle as coal. Naruto at least looked somewhat better. In fact, he looked downright stubborn. "Who cares! Even if they hate us, I'll make them change their minds! I won't stop until they do!" He turned around. "Right Sakura? Sasuke?" They both nodded, Naruto's words charging them.

There was something that bothered Sakura, though. "Miss Saotome? What did you mean when you were talking about revenge and foxes?" Naruto froze and Sasuke glared. Ranma just gave an evil little grin.

"Tell ya what, Pinky. That'll be your first mission. It shouldn't be that hard. After all, I figured it out after just a couple a' weeks. Now that you know there's somethin' there, I'm sure a smart girl like you can solve it in no time."

Sakura couldn't decide whether to take that as a compliment or an insult.

The air seemed slightly lighter, now, despite their situation not having changed much. Ranma stretched out, almost as if she'd had some tension of her own. "Now we've got that sorted out, I need to know a few things before we solve your missing nin problem."

The three looked at her suspiciously.

"Nothing complicated, I just need to get to know my students a little better. Likes and dislikes and stuff you like to do in your free time. So as to give me some training ideas." That only slightly relaxed them. "All right, 'Ruto, you first."

"Er, okay. What I like is ramen, especially the kind at the Ichiraku Ramen shop. What I dislike is the three minute wait after you pour in the boiling water. My hobbies are eating ramen." Sakura could almost see the noodles dancing behind Naruto's eyes.

Ranma seemed to agree. "Alright, that's, yeah. Pinky?"

Sakura couldn't quite hold back a growl. "It's Sakura. I told you." _Listen dammit!_ "What I like is… Well…" She glanced pointedly at Sasuke. "My hobby is…" Again, she looked over. "I dislike Na—um…" Well, after what happened in the forest, she supposed she didn't feel quite as antagonistic towards him anymore. As far as blondes went though, "I dislike blonde pigs who paw at things they shouldn't!"

Ranma quirked an eyebrow, then glanced over at Naruto. "Blonde pigs?"

Naruto shrugged. "She's got this rivalry with Ino, from our old class."

Sakura didn't dignify Ranma's snort with a reply.

"Sas'?"

Sasuke didn't respond right away, choosing instead to give Ranma a long, considering look. "I dislike many things… There's not much I like. I spend my free time training." He seemed reasonably pleased by his non-answer.

Ranma didn't seem phased at all. "Hmm. Well, I can think of a few things already."

"Really?" Naruto began jumping in her seat. "What, what? Tell us, tell us!" Sakura could almost hear his thoughts. _Ramen! Themed! Training!_

Ranma's grin was wicked. "Your first training exercise is simple. You need bigger reserves to do the things I'm going to have you doing, so I want you to use a henge to disguise yourselves all day long. All night too, eventually. If you get tired, you'll just have to figure out how to get away. Good training." Sakura raised her hand. "Yeah?"

"What should we henge as, ma'am?" Sakura asked.

Ranma paused, as if for effect. Her smile was unsettling. "Ain't it obvious? Each other." Instantly, shock set in. Ranma continued before they regained their senses. "You'll do Sasuke, 'Ruto'll do you, and Sas' will be 'Ruto. Oh, and it's gotta be all the time, meaning you gotta live in each others' houses. Any questions?"

Damn right they had questions. "Whaaaaaat!?" This time, Sakura gave Naruto a run for his money, but she couldn't quite match his shriek. Sasuke seemed to be trying to turn into stone.

What Sakura lacked in volume she made up in ferocity. "There's no way! You can't make us do that! I won't do it!"

"Okay." That was not what they were expecting. All protests ceased.

"O-okay? Just like that?" Sakura couldn't believe it. It was too good to be true.

"Sure, I won't make you, but I got good reasons why ya should do it anyway."

Sakura huffed, digging her heels into the brush. "What could possibly convince me to let Naruto into my room? Never mind as myself."

Ranma seemed to think it was wise to give one more evil grin for the road. "We-ell," She pointed at Naruto, "I told you about that pressure point I can use that can make warm heat seem scalding right?" Naruto suddenly looked sick. "What things do you like that are hot?" Horror began to dawn on his face. "You can still eat it cold, but no more a' Ichiraku's hot ramen for you."

It took only a moment for Naruto to decide a path. "Noooooooo! I'll do it! I'll do anything! Please! Anything but that! I'm begging you!"

"Wait just a second!" Sakura was not giving in just because of Naruto's stupid ramen obsession. "Just because you can't eat your stupid noodles doesn't mean I'm going to let you in my house! As me! You'll ruin me!"

Ranma, ignoring Sakura's outburst, turned to Sasuke. "You're gonna do it, because you get no more training till you do." Sasuke just glowered, but made no move to disagree. Ranma then moved on to Sakura. "As for you," Sakura tried to look defiant, but her spine trembled against her will. "I got nothin'."

Sakura blinked. "What?" She couldn't believe her ears. This had to be a trick.

Ranma didn't act like it, though. "Yep, I suppose I'll just have ta rely on peer pressure." A sly look came over her. "Of course, I'd hate to be you in a day or two."

"W-what do you mean?" Anxiety was becoming Sakura's newest companion.

Ranma picked disinterestedly at her fingernails, humming in thought. "Well, you know how you woke up feeling great and all, even though you shouldn't have?"

Sakura nodded. "You fixed our chakra exhaustion. I feel like I have more chakra than ever."

Ranma shook her head. "Not chakra, ki." At their confused looks she continued. "It's more complicated than we have time for, but I couldn't give you my ki like you took Sasuke's chakra. Different pathways. So, I had to open up one of your pressure points. Just a tiny one. Took longer to get what you needed, but I didn't want to overwhelm ya. Only thing is, now it's open, it's stayin' open. Once you use up your reserves, it's gonna try to let more in, equalize the pressure an' all."

Ranma flicked away a piece of dirt. "Just one little problem with that. Where I come from, ki in the environment is pure, free. Here, it's polluted. Land of Fire, right? I can purify it 'cause I've been using it all my life. You though, you ain't got that experience. It's small, like I said, so as long as you eat some and rest, most of your energy will still be chakra."

Where was she going with this, Sakura wondered, more than a little frightened.

Ranma happily obliged her morbid curiosity. "Some, though, some is gonna be that polluted ki. And I gotta tell ya, when I first got here, I thought I was gonna burn from the inside out. Real unpleasant. But hey, I'm sure you don't need that silly technique I got to help you learn to purify it on your own. You'll probably be fine. Right?"

Now it was Sakura's turn to look sick.

Ranma shrugged. "For now, don't worry about it. If you change your mind, you know what to do. Now, let's get to how you're gonna convince one-eye you ain't slackers." Ranma chuckled at their confusion. "Your jounin instructor, one-eye. You'll get it when you see him. Anyway, you noticed how late he was right?" She raised her hands at their glares. "Well, why do you think that was?"

Try as she might, Sakura couldn't see a reason. She looked askance at Ranma, who shrugged. "Simple. He's a teacher. He's teaching you. You're sitting there, waiting for a VIP to show, when somethin' goes wrong. What do you do? Obviously, you gotta investigate. So, just find this Kakashi, and tell him you've been looking for him all day. 'Cause you figured out his trick. Remember, everything is training."

Could that really be it? Sakura turned the little morsel of information over in her mind. It seemed like it could be. It—it definitely might be. And it was their only chance. Sakura internalized it and moved to act on it. Beside her, Sasuke quietly concealed a look of suspicion, though perhaps not quickly enough to fool either her or Ranma.

Ranma scratched at her ear, yawning a bit, unconcerned with their predicament. "It's pretty late, an' you have to make it back before he goes to bed. Shouldn't you three get moving?"

At that, they looked at each other, then took off in the direction of town.

Behind them, her words fading into the melodic buzz of the forest, Ranma whispered, "Heh, this is gonna be fun."

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~ **o0{O}0o** ~

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"Are you sure this time?" A white haired ninja, holding a book in front of him while walking slowly along the streets of Konoha, was addressing a small pug. Some would consider this unusual. For his part, the pug was more irritated than disbelieving.

"Of course I'm sure, Kakashi. Would a face this cute lie to you?" The pug's tenor voice had a hint of affront to it.

Turning back to his book, the nin considered the answer. Kakashi Hatake was annoyed. Finding that his prospective students had disappeared on him wasn't all that surprising. He had failed more than a few just for that. However, unlike in the past, where he showed up at their homes and chewed them out a bit, this time they were nowhere to be found.

Or rather, they were everywhere. Pakkun, the best tracker of his dog summons, had had him backtracking constantly. He wasn't quite sure what his missing students thought they were doing, but they had done it all over the village. At least they had stuck together, though he wasn't quite sure what that meant, given that their profiles listed them as being somewhat antagonist towards one another.

…

"You've said that the last twenty times Pakkun."

"And I was right the last twenty times. Tracking is an art. Ever since you got that eye, you've been a bit full of yourself. Have I told you that before?"

"Only every time I've summoned you since then, Pakkun." It was an old argument, well tread and comfortable. "Hmm, I seem to recognize this neighborhood."

"That would be because the trail is leading home." Well, that was unexpected, though he'd been everywhere else today, so why not.

"Hmm, do you hear that Pakkun?"

"I do. It sounds like … kids." And indeed it did. Listening closely, Kakashi began to make out words.

"Ugh, I can't believe it took us this long to look him up in the phone book. I'm blaming you, Naruto."

Well, it seemed he'd found his students, or was it they'd found him?

"Again, it's my fault? What about Sasuke? He didn't even bother to mention the guy's name until it was almost too late!"

"It's not my responsibility to keep up with everything you don't notice."

And there was the last one. Seemed they had taken initiative. Interesting. Even if they'd gone about it in the most bizarre way possible.

"Whatever. We have his home, now we just have to wait."

"But what if he goes on a mission? I don't wanna starve to death."

"Idiot! You're not going to starve to death just by skipping one or two meals. We're ninja. Well, nearly. And his mission is us. He's not going to go haring off into the countryside and make us chase him. Unless he's crazy. If he's crazy, I vote we pretend to be too dumb to read. Today's given me ulcers and I don't need another maniac making it worse."

Well, that was possibly one of the most creative ways Kakashi had heard of to get out of his training.

"What did you do to fix your voice, anyway?"

"Eh, just used the sexy jutsu, but in reverse."

"Sexy—no, you know what? I don't care. Why did you leave your hair like that, though?"

"Are you kidding? This is cool!"

"Whatever. Don't worry Sasuke, you sound great no matter what!"

"Hnn."

Now that he thought about it, there was something off about the boy's voice.

"I still think we need a better story to tell him. We can't say we got lost. He'll think we're retarded!"

"Why don't we just tell him about the forest? That could work."

"Are you deficient!? Tell him we've been running around the forest for hours being chased by disgusting spiders till we were ready to drop? When we could have just looked him up in the phone book? Instead of retarded he'll think we're insane!"

Sounded like they'd had an interesting day. Well, time to make an appearance. As he turned the corner and the three came into view, he noticed they weren't quite what he'd been told to expect. For one thing, they held themselves more like a tried team than a bunch of unruly genin. Despite the contention in their voices, they had placed themselves facing in each others' blind spots.

Standing on the corner with their backs to his house, they had a good view of the surrounding area without leaving themselves too exposed. Their clothes were a good deal more worn then one would expect a trip through the village and forest would take. And Naruto had red hair… This was going to be annoying, wasn't it?

From the way he had angled his entrance, Naruto was the first to see him. The kid did a quick double take, then pointed and cried out.

"One-eye!"

Before Kakashi could even blink, Sakura had twisted around and slammed her fist into Naruto's head.

"Idiot! What did I tell you about pissing off random jounin! I. Do. Not. Need. More. Pain!" She punctuated each word with a kick.

Quickly twisting around, again faster than Kakashi had expected, she greeted him.

"Kakashi-sensei! Hi. We're your students. Please ignore Naruto, he doesn't do well when he hasn't eaten. We're sorry it took so long to find you. We didn't even realize you were testing us at first. We figured it out eventually though, so I hope you won't hold it against us."

Kakashi couldn't help himself. "Testing?"

Sakura nodded. "Yes, to find you when you didn't show up. If a ninja is to meet with someone clandestinely, and they don't make it, first, cover your trail, then investigate. Again, I apologize for how long it took. At first we thought you were just late. Can you imagine? Obviously that wasn't it, so we figured…" She trailed off and shrugged.

"Everything is training!" Naruto chose then to show he was still conscious, despite the beating.

Hmm, everything is training. Kakashi would have to remember that one. It was pretty good. And it was the best excuse he'd ever heard for his tardiness. He didn't even have to come up with it himself. The walk through the village hadn't been bad either. These might just be his best prospects yet. Maybe.

"Well, now that you've found me, why don't we introduce ourselves." At their looks he elaborated, "You know, likes, dislikes, hobbies, dreams for the … future."

…

That was unexpected. At his explanation, they'd frozen. Sakura and Naruto looked close to panic, and Sasuke was glaring at them.

"W-why don't you go first, sir." Sakura suggested. "Since it was your idea and all."

That sounded reasonable. And completely suspicious.

"Oh, me? My name is Kakashi Hatake. What I like… I don't feel like telling you that. My dreams for the future… hmm… never really thought about that… As for my hobbies… well, I have a lot of hobbies."

That calmed them down at least, though Kakashi wasn't quite sure why.

Naruto piped up first. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki. I like … liver. Yeah, liver. I dislike people who take advantage of innocent young boys by threatening their favorite foods. My new hobby is protecting my favorite food from people who would take advantage of it. My dream for the future is to be Hokage. And making it illegal to threaten … certain foods."

Huh. That was… Kakashi wasn't quite sure what that was.

Sakura started next. "Ugh, liver? Really, Naruto?" Turning back, she looked Kakashi square in the eye. "My name is Sakura Haruno, not _Pinky_." She said the last with surprising venom. "As far as my likes go…" She narrowed her eyes. "I'm not sure I trust you with that just yet. My dislikes are people who can't remember names so they come up with horrible nicknames and think it's funny. My new hobby is teaching Naruto how to lie, or at least keep his mouth shut, before he gets me killed. My dream for the future is … to eat a really big supper tonight. I deserve it."

…

She was practical, at least.

At that, it was Sasuke's turn. "Hnn."

For a moment, Kakashi wasn't sure the boy would say anything further.

Finally, Sasuke rolled his eyes and spoke. "Uchiha. Sasuke Uchiha. I like … training." His eyes flicked over to Sakura.

Did he have a crush or something?

"I dislike people who interfere with my training." Again, his eyes flicked over. Sakura was beginning to look distinctly uncomfortable.

That answered that question then.

"As for dreams," He seemed to consider something. "I have no need to tell you that."

…

Right, that was that then. If they passed, his life as he knew it was over.

"Tell you what, go home and get some rest. Tomorrow, we'll meet up at training ground three for your … evaluation. Say, eight o'clock?" He expected protestation. Instead they only nodded and went on their way.

"…At least we don't have to go far to get home."

"…Shut up Pakkun."

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~o0{O}0o~

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Sitting alone in her room, Sakura Haruno was in deep meditation. Slowly, she took her hands through a familiar string of seals. Taking a breath, she exhaled lightly. A thin stream of fire erupted from her mouth. After a few moments, she let it die.

"Hell. Yes."

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~o0{O}0o~

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Across town in the Uchiha compound, a loud bang, followed by startled cursing, disturbed the peace for a few moments. Sasuke Uchiha was making a startling discovery. "This … what is this?"

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~o0{O}0o~

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Not too far away, in a rundown apartment, Naruto Uzumaki had— "Aaaah! What the hell!? Where did it go!? Did I lose it!? Can that happen!? Aaaaaaargh!"

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~o0{O}0o~

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Ranma Saotome slumbered peacefully in an abandoned side office of the Academy. "Snkrrrrr."


	3. Chapter 3

_Sleeping is no mean art: for its sake one must stay awake all day._

—Friedrich Nietzsche

Chapter 3

No Mean Art

Konoha's spring mornings were a good deal warmer than Japan's, but still chilly and wet enough to justify an extra layer of covering. Back in her ninja outfit, Ranma slowly navigated the small, twisting streets of Konoha's lower ward. The shadows and hemmed in feeling given off by the old, rusty looking buildings made ample covering to hide in. As it didn't seem she'd need to increase her pace anytime soon, Ranma let her mind wander.

The shiatsu technique known as Xai Fang Heng Gao was actually rather simple on the surface. Using a special herbal mix, the scent of which the technique was named after, the user worked her ki into the pressure points located on the scalp, then manipulated her opponent's mind as desired. Terrifying, but it was in the details that the true horror of it came out.

A master could likely use it to convince anyone of pretty much anything, provided the victim's will was significantly less than her own. Cause someone to hate their mother, betray their best friend, murder an innocent, it was all possible. And all Shampoo had used it for was to cause Akane to be completely unable to hold Ranma's name in her mind. Ranma's face had stayed with her only as long as Ranma was within view. At least until Akane's greater will had broken the effect.

Of course, figuring out the right way to use the ki would likely take a lifetime without instruction, but Ranma had an advantage. While causing one of these ninja to forget even a stranger was still out of her reach, she didn't need to go to the trouble of imitating someone else's aura for the purposes of implantation. She had plenty of what she needed already, right in her own body. Combined with their ki crippled bodies, she had nothing stopping her from starting the technique. That _merely_ left figuring out how to properly cloud their perception.

True to form, it didn't take long. While running around in her ninja getup, she had a rather genius realization. Using ki to obfuscate her appearance was her favorite trick when pulling pranks. Even Akane had trouble seeing through her disguises. Actually testing this was incredibly risky, but a few unlucky incidences with nosy chuunin early on had supplied her the opportunity to prove her hypothesis.

It exceeded her expectations. Not only did they become completely incapable of recognizing her, their minds rationalized any contradictions away. Whether or not the original worked in the same way, she had no idea, but it met her needs.

Beyond those initial tests, Ranma had been extremely frugal with its use. She was fairly certain that, were she back home, she would seal it right along with her father's secret techniques. Even here she was loathe to use it except when absolutely necessary. The later development of the Umisenken had made it mostly moot, anyway.

It was the freedom she gained with the Umisenken that first helped her notice it actually. As cautious nightly hunts for food turned to bold, daily excursions for information, she found no massive search parties turning the town inside out, no flurries of communiques with orders to capture or kill at all costs, no wanted signs with her face plastered on it posted all around town.

Other than regular patrols about the village, there had been nothing. Almost nothing. There had been a small squad skulking about at night, one that consisted entirely of those who had been in the room when she 'arrived'. Instead of working in tandem with the patrolling ninja though, they actually seemed to be more concerned about avoiding them than Ranma herself.

It didn't take a genius to figure out the rest. Whatever had been going on in that room must have been a secret. It was so secret that her pursuers would rather let a complete unknown wander free than reveal it. For all Ranma knew, what they had been doing wasn't even legal here. The Hokage himself could be in the dark. Which meant that the number of people with her description was likely decidedly small, numbering five, in fact. A number whose faces she was quite familiar with.

With her enemies numbered and identified, their plans laid bare, there was really only one thing for her to do. Ignore it. After all, as her family art had taught her, if it ain't bothering you…

So far it had actually worked out for her, a fact she would never share within hearing distance of her father, but, with every passing day, she became more and more restless. If she really was stuck here till 'Ruto made Hokage, there was no way she was going to spend it in hiding. Plus, now that she had students, she needed a little more freedom to move.

Stopping, Ranma dismissed her musings and looked around. It seemed her quarry had entered a small, nondescript building, a familiar building. This was the place the summoning that had brought her here occurred. Stretching out her senses, she felt no one. It seemed whatever he was up to was important enough to come completely alone. Grinning and cracking her knuckles in anticipation, she snuck inside.

It was only a matter of moments and the deed was done. Soon, another familiar face came by and entered, then another. Before even ten minutes had passed, all five of her targets found themselves to her. Chuckling evilly, she crept out a window, leaving it ajar slightly to the brisk air. Revenge was best served cold after all.

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~o0{O}0o~

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The training grounds of Konoha were scattered about the village. Most were fairly uniform: a small, well kept meadow with trees, a pond, and a few rocky outcrops meant to test one's ability on differing terrain. The third training ground was just so, with three posts placed squarely in the center and a small monument a little beyond. Sitting on the center post, Naruto Uzumaki was keeping a watchful eye out.

"He's late." This was said matter-of-factly, with none of the usual rancor such situations brought out in him.

"Yesss." The lazy, sibilant tone Sakura had held even less concern. She was lounging on a tree branch not far from Naruto.

"Should we do something?"

Cracking open an eye and giving Naruto an annoyed look she said, "Naruto. I had the best sleep of my life last night. If our teacher wants to extend it, that's fine with me. Do _not_ mess it up. Okay?" Her tone was even, but final.

"Ah, right. What about Sasuke?" In answer, they heard a slight rustle from Naruto's other side.

"It's fine. Just keep an eye out with those clones. If he doesn't show, we'll deal with it later." Sasuke, too, had taken to higher ground. Something their adventure the previous day had taught them. If you stayed on the ground, Miss Saotome wouldn't be satisfied with just a _few_ exploding tags.

"Mmm, much later. Hoursss later." It seemed Sakura had settled back down.

It wasn't as if Naruto was looking forward to another training, cough hell cough, session. It was simply that he didn't want to think anymore. Normally not a problem, especially since most of his thoughts involved pranks or daydreams, today he had a quandary that he couldn't quite wrap his mind around.

He knew about boys and girls. He had gone to school more often than not after all, and they had explained everything. What he didn't know was why his body had just decided to … change its mind.

 _He_ was still a boy. At least, he still thought like a boy.

Or maybe he didn't?

He didn't think any differently from before, but what if that was the problem? He could have been thinking like a girl and not realized. Maybe his body knew it when he didn't? And just reacted accordingly? If that was the case, then all he had to do was think like a boy again."Hmm, hey Sakura?"

"Yesss, Naruto?" Okay, that sounded a little annoyed. Better make this fast.

"Um, what do boys think like?" That seemed to get her attention, although, again, that might not have been a good thing.

"Why, _exactly_ , do you think _I_ would know _that_ , _Na-ru-to_." Yikes. Tread carefully, young pilgrim, femaledom was dangerous new ground.

"Ah, well, you and Ino were always watching Sasuke so … I figured you'd know the difference?" The last came out a squeak. Somehow, it seemed to satisfy her, anyway. Whatever his body might have thought, he still didn't understand girls.

"Well…" A slightly vacant look came over her face. "A boy has to be strong and handsome. With dark hair and warm, caring arms. He should always know what to do and be right on time when he does it. When he comes back from his missions, he'll sweep me up into those arms, and I'll look deep into his eyes, just staring for hours. We won't need to say anything, he'll just know. And then, when he's injured, I'll care for him, nursing him back to health every night. And he'll look up at me, so grateful for everything, and then he'll tell me he _has_ to marry me. That he couldn't live another day without me brightening his life. On the wedding day, I'll be waiting nervously for the time to arrive, and when I walk out and see him…"

Whoa, she sounded like she might be a while. Was this how girls thought? He definitely couldn't remember thinking like that. Maybe it was just Sakura. Wait, her rambling seemed to have a theme. If he could only decipher girl talk. Maybe…

"So, what you're saying is boys need girlfriends? Hey Sakura, wanna be my gir-"

 _Thunk thunk thunk._

As two kunai whizzed past his ear, Naruto catapulted backwards, landing in the dirt behind the post. Well, that answered that. Still, it was something to think on. Lying on the ground, looking up at the blue sky, Naruto contemplated.

…

On the other side, lounging on a branch more fully covered by foliage than Sakura's, lay Sasuke. Sasuke had done quite of bit of thinking as well, on a situation strangely similar to Naruto's. Unlike Naruto, she had come to a very different conclusion. She remembered quite well the exact moment that her transformation had taken place. And why as well.

Their teacher had not lied. She was indeed a master of the human body. Even asleep, completely oblivious to the world around her, she had been able to hold complete domination over her surroundings.

What was so terrifying was that it seemed to have been a momentary _lapse_ in control, completely accidental. She didn't even seem to realize it had happened at all. Other than her threats, she had not let on in the slightest to her true abilities.

And she had promised Sasuke everything. That power, she would have it, she must. If her masculinity was the only price she had to pay, then it was insignificant compared to the gains. The idea of doing to her brother's body what he had done to her mind… not simply winning, but dominating in ways he could not imagine… Slowly, she lifted her hand to her eyes. Yes, no price to pay at all.

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~o0{O}0o~

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"Hmm, what?" As a few foreign thoughts floated through Naruto's mind, raising him from the slight daze his nap had left him in, he looked up to make sure he was still where he thought he was. Clone memories were so weird. They always left him a little muddled if he wasn't paying attention. "Hey Sasuke, Sakura. Teach is coming."

The rustling from his sides let him know they'd heard him, so he settled back into his warm spot on the ground. "Which teacher, Naruto? That's kind of important." Sakura was not going to let him do that it seemed.

"Eh, it's Kakashi."

"Oh." Apparently they shared the same opinion on which teacher they had to look out for. After all, Kakashi had sent them home to get some rest without screwing with them at all. Clearly the push-over of the two. Settling back down, the three relaxed into their semi-aware state.

…

Kakashi finally turned the bend to where his students were waiting for him. Fortunately, they didn't seem to have wandered off this time.

"Yo. Sorry about that. Got a little lost."

"Hmmm." At Sakura's answer, Kakashi's eye twitched a little. He couldn't even tell if she was answering him or just mumbling in her sleep. Usually he got more of a reaction than that. What was the fun in being late if no-one cared?

"Well, why don't we get started then." Finally, his students dragged themselves out of their stupor and moved over to him. "Well, as I told you last night, today I'll be giving you a bit of an … evaluation." He looked over them, but they made no move to interrupt. "Heh … heh heh. You guys are gonna get a kick out of this."

That drew their attention. Now to strike the killing blow. "You know how you were given your hitai-ite and told you were ninja now, full shinobi?" They all nodded. "That wasn't exactly true. Out of the twenty-seven graduates, only nine of you will pass. It's a super difficult exam with a sixty-six percent failure rate." He looked at them smugly, and for a moment their incredulous looks had his hopes up.

"We already know this!" Only to have them dashed completely.

"Yeah! It's not like we figured we could just walk up to the best ninja in the village and get training!"

"Even Naruto gets it. Feh, we aren't stupid."

That had to be the biggest disappointment he'd had since he'd heard the sequel to Make-out Paradise was delayed.

Still, they did call him the best, so they might not be all bad.

Sighing, Kakashi reached into a pouch and pulled out two bells, holding them out where they could be seen. "Your task is to get these bells before noon. I've already set the clock over there to tell us when time is up. Anyone who doesn't get a bell won't get any lunch, and I'll tie you to those stumps and eat right in front of you. There are only two, so one of you will definitely fail."

Really, they weren't supposed to have eaten breakfast prior to this, but given their efforts the day before, he had let it slide. It wasn't like he forgot to tell them or anything. "Also, anyone who doesn't get a bell … fails. At least one will be sent back to the academy." They were properly motivated now, at least. "You can use anything you have at your disposal, even shuriken. You won't succeed unless you come at me with everything you've got."

"Wait, we're supposed to fight _you_! But you're a jounin! You'll—" Sasuke place a hand on Sakura's shoulder, halting her protests.

"It doesn't matter, we'll do what we must."

Now that got Kakashi's attention. They might have a chance after all.

"Yeah, don't worry about it Sakura. If nothing else, I'll make sure you get a bell. Aah! What did you hit me for this time!?"

"You just want me to do all the work so you can get all the stuff he teaches me! Jerk!" Definitely interesting. Kakashi had no idea what could have caused these three to come together so strongly, but he was absolutely going to find out. Perhaps a test of these bonds was in order.

"Alright you three, it seems you understand. If you're ready … start!" With a burst of chakra, they each dashed from their spots.

Ho, time to start teaching then. "Hiding is the most basic skill all ninja must know." Sakura, fifteen meters out, three up. An oak tree, hmm? Not a bad choice. Sasuke, thirteen meters out, five up. Another tree. It seemed his students liked having the high ground. They had hidden well. It was a good start. Naruto … three meters out. "Was there something you forgot, Naruto?"

"Come and fight me!" Naruto stood proudly, chest out, arms crossed.

"Um, you're a little bit off." Perhaps he had overestimated them after all.

Under cover, Naruto's teammates watched, aghast.

"…He's going to get me killed isn't he? I can already imagine what I'll be writing in my diary tonight. Twenty-first day, third moon. Dear Diary, today I have seen my death. His name is Naruto." Sakura's muttering was quiet, barely audible to Kakashi's ears.

"…Moron." Sasuke's thoughts were similar to Sakura's, if more brief.

Well, there was that antagonism Kakashi had been told to expect.

Naruto continued on, heedless of his team's less than positive opinions. "Hah! If Sasuke and Sakura want to hide, that's fine. I'll just get a bell for the both of them!"

Interesting. "Oh? And what about yourself? You'll have to do this all over again you know?"

Naruto snorted. "Like that matters? I'll do it a hundred times if I have to!"

Standing in a relaxed stance, Kakashi considered Naruto's exclamation. "I guess it's time for shinobi lesson one then, taijutsu. Come on, maybe I'll give you some pointers."

Well, at least he could relax a bit, now.

…

The first thing Naruto thought upon seeing Kakashi's hand move to his pouch was 'oh dear god no explosive tags!' Second worse would be weapons. Taijutsu was almost always hand to hand. If they were going to go at it with weapons, he'd have to approach this completely differently. No way was Naruto getting near a potentially crazy jounin who had sharp, pointy, exploding objects at his disposal.

Tension skyrocketing, Naruto watched as Kakashi withdrew from the pouch … a book? Make-out … Paradise? What the hell? "What the hell!?" Naruto was beginning to think all high level fighters were off in the head.

"What's wrong? Hurry it up." Kakashi, unmindful of the consternation his actions had brought, cracked open the book and began to read.

"But… Hey. Hey! What's with the book!? What do you think you're doing!?"

"Doing?" Kakashi asked, his one, uncovered eye somehow emoting confused curiosity despite the rest of his face being covered by fabric or his hitai-ite. "I'm reading, of course. I want to know what happens next. Don't worry about it. It won't make a difference against you guys."

That brought Naruto up short. Who did this jerk think he was? Lowering his head, Naruto slowly began to shake. "I… I…. _I'm gonna beat you to a goddamned pulp!_ " The jutsu he'd been using to disguise his voice snapped, and it came out a shrill screech.

Grabbing his arm and raising his sleeve in the universal sign of 'I want to beat the hell outta you', Naruto charged forward and leaped. "Aaaaaargh—" _Whump!_ Only to be driven to the ground by Sasuke and Sakura.

"Ah, excuse us Mister Kakashi. We'll just be regrouping now, if you don't mind. Pretty please?" Sakura gave him what she clearly hoped was her cutest puppy dog face.

"…That's fine. Don't forget, noon." Kakashi just kept his head buried in his book. "Ha ha ha, oh, that's a good one."

Taking advantage of the reprieve, Naruto's teammates hauled him to his feet and beat a hasty retreat into the undergrowth, Sakura berating him as quietly as she could through her clenched teeth. " _Idiot_. Stupid, stupid, stupid."

Finally reaching a safe distance, they dumped Naruto on his face, each glaring. Looking at each other, they seemed to come to a silent agreement, Sasuke turning to watch their surroundings, Sakura focusing entirely on Naruto. With her hands on her hips, Sakura addressed him. "Well? What do you have to say for yourself?"

Sitting up, Naruto crossed his arms and tried to look rebellious. "I was getting a bell. Like he said, jeez."

Sakura threw her hands in the air. "And you thought that would work? Honestly, did you not listen to anything Ranma sensei said?"

"What does that have to do anything?"

Off to the side, Sasuke interjected, while still keeping an eye out. "When she spoke of him, it was with respect. We shouldn't underestimate our opponent." He glanced over. "You were awake right? When Saotome finished those spiders? She knows what she's doing."

Sakura looked surprised at Naruto's hesitant nod. Maybe she hadn't realized either had been aware at that point. But that seemed to remind her of something else from that day. "Plus, what did we agree on about about Miss Saotome's tastes?"

"Um…" Naruto couldn't quite tell what Sakura was driving at.

"Anytime she thinks something is good, we treat it like the horrible end to our lives it is. Understand?"

"Yeah, yeah."

Relaxing somewhat, Sakura's face turned contemplative. "This test, there has to be a trick to it or something. I mean, there's no way he expects us to win. You saw him with that book." Naruto scowled, but before he had a chance to say anything, Sakura bopped him on the head. " _Don't_. We just went over this. If Mister Kakashi thinks he can take us like that, we assume he's telling the truth until we manage to prove otherwise, okay?"

Naruto huffed. "Okay."

"The pond."

Sakura blinked, then turned to Sasuke. "What was that Sasuke?"

Softly, he answered. "Drive him to the water's edge, let Naruto take care of the rest. That's our best bet."

Naruto started grinning. "Hey, yeah! That cou—ah!" This time, both his teammates assaulted him.

"Be _quiet_. Don't blow this before we get a chance to even start." The look on Sakura's face was pure aggravation.

As always, Sasuke was much more curt. "Buffoon."

…

In the clearing, Kakashi was surreptitiously examining the genin once more. Other than a few outbursts, they were again hidden well. They were on the move, though. One was cautiously circling around, another was quickly approaching the clearing's edge, and the last was… running in circles. Heh. Well, perhaps they had they decided on a course?

To the left, a glint caught his eye.

It seemed as if they had.

The glint turned into a streak of light as shuriken and kunai flew at him in a deadly hail. Leaping back a few feet, he let them fly harmlessly past.

Opening salvo, they were testing him.

To his back he heard approaching feet. A diversion, eh?

Sasuke clearly had no intention of letting Kakashi have a moment's respite. Which was smart. If they were to succeed against a jounin, they needed more than simple initiative. The instant they lost momentum, they lost, period. Closing rapidly to within a few meters, Sasuke reached back, fingers enclosing on weapons, and loosed another round. Chakra combined with momentum to spur the projectiles on even faster. They had the expected effect.

"Such obvious attacks are pointless." Kakashi chided. He kept dodging Sasuke's attempts, moving up to the tree line. He almost missed it, but a small, vicious grin on Sasuke's face warned him that something was amiss.

As Kakashi puzzled through this, a shadow fell on him. He barely had time to defend as Naruto crashed feet first into his blocking arm. Before he could figure out how they had duped him, Sasuke was on him. Sasuke, and ten more Narutos?

"Hah! Shadow clones are my specialty!"

Grabbing the first Naruto's leg, Kakashi twisted and released. The clone flew into another and they both went tumbling. Leaping over the hapless clones as they burst into smoke, Sasuke kicked out, forcing Kakashi into a duck. Sailing over him, he let out a snap kick at Kakashi's back. Rolling underneath it, the jounin powered through another clone, seeking to retreat.

"Naruto!"

At Sasuke's call, the clones moved to pin Kakashi in. "You won't escape that easily!"

His students were rather determined to get him into the forest. Traps, perhaps? While under normal circumstances Kakashi would spring the traps just to show the difference between genin and jounin, this time he thought a different lesson was in order: no plan survives contact with the enemy.

"Who said anything about escaping? It's rather comfortable right here." Ducking and dodging Naruto's somewhat straightforward attacks, Kakashi broke out into a run along the field, the clones and Sasuke in full pursuit.

With shuriken and kunai whizzing past his ears and all the yelling Naruto was doing, Kakashi almost missed it. Hissing. A familiar hiss as well. The kind made exclusively by— _Right_! His instincts screaming at him, chakra surged to his legs as he immediately swerved to the side.

 _Kra-boom!_

Kakashi's reflexes carried him just out of the radius of the exploding tag … right into the warning hiss of another.

 _Kroom! Boom! Ba-boom!_

Staying ahead of the destruction took more than he anticipated as every step he made seemed to land him right next to a freshly lit tag. Giving up on the charade of closing in on him, Sasuke and the Narutos focused entirely on ranged weaponry, each kunai and shuriken clearly tied with an explosive tag.

Suddenly, "Sasuke! Stop! Left!" At the cry, the explosive assault ceased.

That had been Sakura. Chancing a quick glance around Sasuke, Kakashi quickly realized his situation. Sakura and another Naruto, presumably the original, were standing near the edge of the copse, partly covered by foliage.

That was how they had done it.

Sasuke and Naruto had leaped into battle carrying dozens of tags laced with Sakura's chakra instead of their own. Utilizing her superior chakra control, Sakura was able to hit him with pinpoint accuracy, leaving her team unscathed. With Naruto constantly reinforcing Sasuke from behind with more clones, Kakashi hadn't had time to even consider that the real Naruto might not have been among them.

That still left him puzzled over why she had given up her position. As his mind quickly dissected this, he turned his immediate attention back to the boys.

Sasuke had halted, but the clones hadn't reacted quite as gracefully. One's charge turned into an uncontrolled stumble and the shadow clone rolled comically head over feet to his right. To his right, and to _Sasuke's_ … It was too late, however. A splash from the pond behind him was all the warning he got as three more clones grappled his body and legs. He barely managed to restrain the one below on his right from taking the bells.

"Hah! Clones don't breath! We can wait all day if we have to!"

At that, the remaining clones in front moved on him, but they were out of position. It would take a precious few seconds to reach him. More than they could afford. The closest to him was … the clone who had tripped? The clone who was no longer a clone, but Sasuke?

…

Sasuke's mind was every bit as nimble as Kakashi's. As soon as the jounin was restrained, she used Kawarimi, the body replacement jutsu, and switched with the fallen Naruto. The clone had been face down, no threat to Kakashi, as it would have taken too long to reverse his position. Flickering in, Sasuke had no such impediment.

Legs propelling her, she reached out, the bells just in her grasp. She grinned triumphantly as her hand closed around their cool metal … and then nothing. A quick blur was all she saw before Kakashi was gone and in its place was a clone. "No!" Another clone slammed into the trapped one, dispelling it.

"What the hell!? Where'd he go!? What do you mean he used body replacement!? Don't pop me before you finish explaining! _Aah_! Stop hitting me, dammit!"

Sasuke had no time to concern herself over Naruto's growing multiple personality disorder. Recovering her balance, she scanned the area. It didn't take long. There, waving cheerfully not three meters from them, was Kakashi.

"Yo."

Ignoring the howls and imprecations the clones started leveling at their teacher, she stepped forward on to drier ground. They had just lost their momentum. They either got it back _now_ or… As rapidly as she could make them, her hands flew through the seals for molding fire chakra. Kakashi only had time to widen his eyes before she finished the jutsu and the flame leapt to her command, consuming the ground in front of her.

She didn't bother with the control ringing the expelled chakra with her fingers would give her. Even had she needed it, Sasuke wanted as wide an area of effect as possible.

Releasing the jutsu early, she twisted to her side. "Naruto! No time, retreat to cover. We need to get ba-ack!" Before she could finish explaining, hands gripped her legs and, without further warning, dragged her straight into the ground, leaving only her head visible.

"Sasuke! Dammit, stay there, I'm coming!" Sasuke didn't bother to correct Naruto on the ridiculousness of his command. Suddenly, two legs stepped out on either side of her head.

"Hmm, as far as lesson three, ninjutsu, goes, you guys aren't _too_ bad. I guess you want me to go back to lesson one, then?" Kakashi yawned, raising the animosity aimed his way even higher. "A little out of order, but life's too short for details like that, eh?" His words had the desired effect. The clones rushed him, heedless of planning. It showed.

"Too low."

"Was that a kick?"

"Hmm, there seems to be a breeze."

"Say, do you mind if I read this next bit? It's at a really great part right now and—"

"Aargh! Die!"

Underneath the sparring duo, Sasuke relaxed her tense muscles. Whatever happened next wasn't up to her.

…

At a distance, Sakura and Naruto were panicking. "I—I'm gonna go help him! That bastard better appreciate this!"

"No you idiot! You'll just make things worse!" Sakura did not need to add babysitting on top of her panic.

"But-"

" _No._ You remember what Sasuke said. You're our security blanket. If the real you gets taken out, no more reinforcements. Besides, those are all you and they're _still_ getting their asses handed to them. One more, real or not, isn't going to make any difference. Just—just give me a minute, okay?" Naruto grumbled, but complied.

The day had been going so well, too. Great sleep, woke up feeling perfect, she even had a chance to show off her new jutsu at the breakfast table. Wait, that was it!

"I can't take this! I don't care what you say, I'm going out there and—"

"I've got it! Naruto! I need you!"

"Wh— _Yes_! Ow! Now you're slapping me!?"

Sakura had no time for Naruto's shenanigans. "I need two clones. Now, Naruto!"

Ceasing to hold his still stinging cheek, he formed several more. "There, now what are y—"

Lunging past him, she grabbed two by the collar. "You two! Come here. Alright, _you_! Get behind me and hold on. And no funny business or I break real you's neck, understand?"

"Woo-hoo! Yes!"

"Just do it." He happily obeyed, sticking his tongue out at the envious looks he was getting.

"And you, you're going to give me your chakra, get it?" Understanding began to dawn on Naruto's collective face. Turning her head, she addressed the one in back. "When he dispels, kawarimi us behind Mister Kakashi. And Naruto?" She turned to the real Naruto. "When I get over there, duck."

Gulping, he nodded.

"Alright, let's do this before I realize how stupid it is." She took her hands through the seals more slowly this time. Naruto couldn't form fire chakra yet so it was up to her to manage it all.

Finally, she absorbed the last of it. Just as the clone burst, she felt the familiar tugging as the replacement technique took hold.

As the jounin's back came into focus, she released the chakra, not in a widespread conflagration, but in a thin stream. Far more economical, it was something she had come up with to accommodate her much smaller reserves. It would also fit her current needs.

True to plan, the instant the memories hit, the clones hit the dirt. Kakashi didn't even turn around. As soon as he had forewarning, he jumped. That was fine with Sakura. She needed him away from there anyway. Hurdling Sasuke's head, she kept a bead on their sensei, angling the stream away from her face to avoid blow-back. At her back, she heard Naruto's frantic efforts to free Sasuke.

"Shovels, we need shovels! Transform!"

"Ah! That's my face! Watch it, you moron!"

"Moron!? Who's a moron, moron!?"

"Don't call people rescuing you names, you ungrateful bastard!"

Kakashi was as hard to keep track of as she had expected. It was all she could do to keep him on the defensive. Snapping the fire out at him, whip-like, she herded him back.

She had him nearly to the posts when it finally sputtered to a finish. That was when she realized her mistake. Who was going to rescue her?

The clones were busy digging out Sasuke. That left her with the one on her back, and the two of them together wouldn't be nearly enough. "U-um… I don't suppose you'd mind letting us regroup right quick, w-would you?"

Kakashi merely grinned, the expression reaching his uncovered eye over the mask. "Why don't we start on lesson two then." His hands flew through a short series of hand signs and then…

Suddenly, Sakura felt … strange. "Whu—what was I…" The meadow seemed to swirl about her, coming in and out of focus. It was then she heard someone calling her.

"S-Sakura…"

That was … Naruto? What was wrong with his voice? It was so raspy.

A pressure on her shoulder had her turning her head. What she saw chilled her to her very core.

Skin, sallow and leathery, hung from gaunt cheekbones. Orb-less sockets somehow conveyed a ghastly need. Its mouthed gaped open, loose, rotting teeth hanging from yellowed gums Wha—How? Clones couldn't receive wounds like that. Like…

"Aaaaaaah!" Flinging it off her, she fell to the ground and scrambled backward as quickly as possible. "N-no. G-get away!" Looking past the gruesome specter, she spied the hole Sasuke had been trapped in. No clones were in sight, but there was movement. Slowly, a hand, skin blackened and peeled, reached out and pulled a familiar form into sight.

It was Sasuke, but instead of the roguish good looks she was accustomed to, in its place was a nightmare. Bones twisted and jutting, clothes rotted and decayed, it called out to her.

"Sa-k'ra" The name came with a whistling noise as air escaped through a hole in its cheek.

In unison, the ghoulish imitations of her teammates called out, "Sa-k'ra… Sa-k'ra…" shambling toward her like… like…

"Zuh, zah, za- _aaaaaaaaaaaah_!"

…

Back at the hole, the clones had stopped digging at waist deep, watching in shock as Sakura started screaming.

"Genjutsu! She's trapped! We have to release her from it!"

At Sasuke's urging, the clones rushed out, only to be accosted by an explosion of dirt from their back. Sasuke had been freed enough, and she was far faster than Naruto. Flickering in and marshaling her chakra, she laid a hand on Sakura and released, "Kai!" the flow of foreign chakra into Sakura's system overwhelming the illusion. Slowly, her eyes came into focus.

"Sa-Sasuke? You're alright!" Much to Sasuke's irritation, Sakura grabbed her in a fierce bear hug. "Wait, Naruto! Where's Naruto!?"

"I'm right he-aow!"

"Don't scare me like that! I nearly had a heart attack!"

"Shinobi lesson number two, genjutsu. I may have gone too far though." Turning around, they saw their teacher, still reading that damned book.

"You!" Jerking upright, Sakura pointed vindictively. "What the hell did you think you were doing!? You won't get away with playing with a maiden's pure heart!"

For a few moments, an awkward silence fell. Naruto was the first to come out of it. "Y-yeah! What the hell!? If you think you can get away with that, you're dead wrong!"

Sighing, Sasuke moved next to her teammates. "Let's just get this over with."

Placing a bookmark, Kakashi returned his book to its pouch and stood. "If you've had enough rest, then why don't we review? Which lesson would you like to start with?" His smile, the one that came through even with his face covered, was really starting to piss them all off.

"Die!"

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~o0{O}0o~

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Ranma was practically skipping down Konoha's main street. At first it had been a test to see if her assumptions proved wrong. However, as time passed without anything more than the typical perverted 'hot girl' glances she was used to, it quickly turned into a full outing. There had been more than enough money on the old geezers to keep her fed and clothed for quite a while and she felt she deserved a treat for all the hard work she'd put in.

Wandering about the shopping district, she had even come across a small clothing store that carried clothes in the style she preferred. With loose, comfortable slacks, a silk red shirt, overly large to enhance that cutesy look she liked to use, and shoes that actually fit, she was beginning to feel like herself again. Skulking was fine for pranks, but a martial artist needed to be out and about. She still couldn't walk the fences without drawing attention, but it was a huge relief nonetheless.

Not having to hide her face freed up huge amounts of time from double and triple checking her back just to get from the school to a grocery. Who knew, she might even get a job to supplement her other 'earnings'. Besides, until her students came to their senses, she had little to do besides read and train.

She did need to do some further research for her plans for Sasuke—there was a Yamanaka clan in town that supposedly had jutsu to make her drool—but all work and no play led to one bored—

Stopping suddenly, she spun around. Was that… She thought she had seen… But no, there was no way she was that lucky, was there? She obsessively scanned the stalls and vendors around her.

There, in front of her, was a cart. A cart with very familiar signs on it. Reverently approaching, she could only gaze in wonder at what was contained within. Thirty-two flavors she was uncommonly well acquainted with.

"Can I help you miss?" Turning to the vendor, she gave him a look that was very near worshipful. "Oh, I get it, never seen ice cream before, have you? This is a special delicacy you won't find out in the countryside."

"H-how?"

Quirking his eyebrow, the man considered her question. "You mean, how do we keep it cold? Well, that's a trade secret of course, but I don't mind giving a cute little thing like you a hint." He leaned forward, lowering his voice conspiratorially, "You see, this is a ninja village. It might not look it, but everyone here knows some arcane art or the other. Using secret fuinjutsu, sealing techniques, I am able to create a sphere of influence that keeps the area within my cart here as cold as the Land of Snow."

"Wow, mister, really? Ninja towns are amazing." Pretending to be suitably impressed, Ranma parsed what she could from the obvious bullshit. Fuinjutsu, eh? That explained how he was able to get it to work without a cooling unit or batteries. Or trekking all the way up to snowier climbs.

Heh, now to see if she'd gotten out of practice. "Oh no! There's no way I could ever afford something like this. It has to be worth so-o much." Putting on her cutest face, as if she had any other, she pouted adorably.

"W-well, ahem, ah, for a cutie like you, I could probably sneak you one on the side. I am a ninja after all." Yeah, right.

"Really? Just for me?" She placed her pinkie delicately in her lips and widened her eyes. The poor man looked ready to break. Time to bring this to a close.

"O-of course! Just pick out whichever looks best."

"Well, in that case."

…

Walking down the street with her delicious confection in hand, Ranma decided that, all in all, she was fairly content. Never having been one to worry overly much, even before dying, life seemed determined to make Ranma's laid back outlook into an art unto itself. Or drive her crazy, whichever came first. Ah well, even the commotion she'd caused landing here wasn't so bad. After all, what fun would it be if life wasn't a little, hm, what was the word?

"Ruff!"

"Yeah! Rough. That's the word I'm looking for. If—" Pausing, Ranma reviewed the last few seconds. While she was aware that her brain sometimes had a mind—or two, or three—of its own, she was pretty confident that she hadn't grown an extra mouth in the last … ever.

"R-ruff! Ruff-ruff!" Turning around, she found at her feet … a puppy. A little, white, shaggy puppy with gray and black tufts running down its head, back and tail. "Ruff!" A little puppy that seemed intent on gaining her attention. Crap. She had never been good with animals.

…Ugh, that wasn't strictly true. She just never _got_ any good out of animals. Animals themselves loved her. It was just what they loved most about her was the way she tasted. If it wasn't pits filled with starving cats, it was wolves chasing her ass all over creation. "Ruff!" Crap.

"Shoo. Shoo, dammit!" It apparently didn't speak pissed off martial artist. More people got in trouble that way. Now what was it doing? Taking advantage of her halt, the puppy was determinedly tugging on her pants leg. Lovely.

"Oh! Look at that. That little girl is playing with her puppy. How _cute_!" And now they were gathering a crowd. She couldn't escape like this. Crappity-crap.

Smiling awkwardly at the woman who spoke, she turned and hunched down next to the pup. "Alright, already. You win, mutt. I'll go with you. But if this is a trap, I'll have a new belt by the end of the day."

It paused, staring up at her with ice blue eyes, then somehow seemed to acknowledge her warning and moved off in the direction of a side street. Standing up and giving the onlookers a wave, Ranma started off after it.

It didn't take long as, soon after they'd walked up the street, the pup turned into an alley. Walking towards a pile of refuse and nudging it, the dog turned around and barked again. "Ruff!"

"Jeez, don't you have a lower setting or something? Alright, let's see what you got for me here."

Carefully setting aside her ice cream on a ledge, and giving the dog a look that promised pain if he messed with it, she began digging through the pile. It didn't take much. Lifting aside a piece of cardboard, she came face to face with a pair of golden, green flecked eyes, pupils slitted at the sudden influx of light. Cautiously, whiskers pulled forward from black and red swirled fur as a little white nose sniffed at the intrusion.

"Meo-"

"Aaaaaaaah!" Scrambling desperately back, Ranma was halfway up the alley wall before she slowed. "W-what the hell do you think you're doing!?"

Still clinging to the side of the building, she started berating the increasingly confused and worried puppy. Before she could see if there were any loose bricks in her vicinity, a slight rustle from the pile had her freezing.

Slowly, a small kitten pulled itself into view. It paused, then tried to take another step, only to collapse.

It was hurt, hurt fairly badly it seemed. The puppy rushed to its side, then gave Ranma a pleading look.

"No. No, no no nononono no. Bad idea. Very, very bad idea. Can't you … get someone else?"

"Hinnn." The pleading edge to his whine was heartbreaking.

Ranma couldn't help but shudder, her panic leading her close to hyperventilation, as she cursed her sense of duty once more. Finally, her shoulders slumped, and she slid to the ground, enfeebled. "J-just make sure it keeps quiet okay? Else I can't do this."

The puppy studied her, then nodded.

"R-right. Guess I should get started. N-now."

There was no way she could get herself to move closer to the beast as it was, so Ranma did the only thing she could. She closed her eyes. Creeping forward to where she knew it to be, she got down on her knees and felt out, hands shaking, and quickly found soft fur under her fingers. The shaking got worse.

No, she couldn't do this. It was impossible. There was no way she could patch up anything as out of control as she was. She would barely be better than Doc Tofu under one of his Kasumi fits. She could not work on a c- c-c-c- ca-… on one of those things. It just wouldn't work… u-unless.

"Y-yeah, heh, ha ha. W-why didn't you tell me this was a, a, e- b- squirrel! Y-yeah! Heh heh, th-this is no problem. J-jeez you mangy mutt. D-don't scare me like that." Delusion achieved, she ignored the puppy's inquisitive whine and set about feeling around for injuries. It wasn't quite as fast as it would have been with her eyes open, but she wasn't quite that delusional.

"Okay, this feels simple enough. It's a clean break. Closed, so no bleeding to take care of. With a bit a' ki to ease the pain and…" Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a bit of gauze and a metal chopstick. "Just need ta set the bone an' tie it off." Ranma set her hand over the squirrel's head and worked in some ki. Setting bones hurt like a bitch, two things she had plenty of experience with, and she didn't need any 'strange' noises distracting her.

Quickly as she could, she moved the bones back into place, using her ki to avoid tissue damage as she did. There was a bit of mewling, followed by what she assumed was the puppy nuzzling his friend, but otherwise no problems.

"Okay, once I get it set, you can't move it any. That means stay still, 'cause I ain't about to do this again." Taking the chopstick and bending it into the same shape as the leg, Ranma set about wrapping it snugly to the break. Tying it off, she gave the squirrel a hesitant pat on the head and sat back.

"Eh, that's pretty much it. I gave you a bit of a boost so you should be fine in a couple a' days, climbin' trees and eatin' nuts and whatever else squirrels like to do."

Before she could go anything further, the pup leaped into her lap and started assaulting her with its tongue. "Ah! Hey, watch it you crazy—" Ranma's dismay didn't seem to distract him from his mission to give her a bath. "Jeez, okay okay, you're welcome. Ack, now I'm all slobbery." His thanks acknowledged, the pup went back to his friend.

Finally free, Ranma stood up and made to retrieve her cone … only to stop in mid stride.

Dammit.

"Ah, say, I don't suppose either a' you have owners or anything like that?"

"Ruff!" Well, that sounded like a yes, anyway.

"Well, if you want…" God damn it. Ranma sighed. "I'll take you two home if you need it." Why couldn't she be a bastard? Life was too short for all this nice stuff.

The puppy at least liked the turn of events. He began running in circles around her, barking wildly and brushing against her legs, as if trying to make up for her eyesight with as much sensory input as possible.

"Yeah, yeah. Look, shut up for a minute. I gotta get your pal a place to sit." She thought on it for a minute, then snapped her fingers and pulled out a large cloth. "Usually just use this for the Umisenken, but…" Folding it in half a few times, she wrapped it around her head in a rather large turban. "There, that oughta give ya plenty of room."

Picking up her patient, she gently placed it on her head. It squirmed a bit, then settled down. Now for the finishing touch. Pulling out the straw hat from her outfit, she placed it on her head. She got enough attention with just the dog. Add a squirrel in and who knew when they'd leave her alone. Just 'cause the poor thing had a deformity was no reason to stare. Plus, now she didn't have to worry about mirrors. "Alright, let's go."

"Hinnn." Again with the whining?

"What now?" He stood up on her legs and wagged his stubby tail, giving a pleading look. "Oh for—you want up too?"

"Ruff!"

"Ugh, fine. But just 'cause it'll go faster." Holding out her arms, Ranma caught him as he jumped. He twisted a bit in excitement and licked her face again. "Ah! No! No way. This ain't gonna work if you don't keep your slobber to yourself."

Finally, he settled down.

"Alright, mutt, which way?" He looked around, then barked. Picking up her ice cream and pointing herself in the direction of his nose, she set off.

"Say, you gotta name?"

"Ruff!" Sounded like a no this time.

"Well, mutt ain't the best name, an' royal pain in th' ass is too long. I know! How about Hiroshi?"

"Ruff!"

"No, huh? Jiro?

"Ruff!"

"Mamoru."

"Ruff!"

"Genma?"

"Grrr."

"Good boy."

.

.

.

~o0{O}0o~

.

.

.

"O-oh."

Fire. That's what Sakura's whole body felt like. Like someone had ripped out her chakra pathways, lit them on fire, then shoved them back in. Apparently, using someone else's chakra to perform jutsu had … limits. Two times in one day was hers, even with her control.

Sasuke had managed his fireball _three times_ on his own, and another _two_ with clones. She didn't even want to think what that felt like. Glancing up from her position, face down in the dirt, she took stock of their situation.

Yep, still shitty.

Sasuke lay not far from her, face up, chest heaving in gulps of air, and damn it all but she was getting tired of being _too_ tired to enjoy sights like this.

Naruto, though he was still standing, was in even worse shape. Several clones hung from tree traps, and Kakashi was using a pile of them as a sofa. The original—at least, judging by the beating he had taken, she assumed he was the original—was staggering around, holding on to two clones to stay upright.

"Dammit, Naruto … what," She huffed in another breath. "part of retreat … don't you get."

She couldn't even yell, her voice was too hoarse from the screaming she'd been doing. Naruto couldn't even look her way anymore. He just kept dragging himself toward Kakashi. The same Kakashi who looked fresh as a daisy. Moron.

Before Naruto could humiliate himself, and more importantly her, any further, a ringing went off in the clearing. What now?

"Noon already?"

Oh. Right. The clock.

"Looks like you guys didn't quite manage to make it."

 _Didn't quite? We had our asses handed to us on a plate! Where the hell does he get off_ _!?_ Sadly for Sakura's peace of mind, her body couldn't keep up with her temper.

Standing, Kakashi walked around to the posts and stopped the alarm. "You guys didn't do too bad, I guess. I'll have to think about it. I know!"

Sakura did _not_ like his tone of voice.

"I'll give you one more chance, after lunch. Since you put in so much effort, I'll let the no lunch punishment slide. Except for Naruto."

"What!?" Naruto somehow had enough energy left to yell, though not enough to disguise his voice.

Kakashi smiled at him. "Punishment. For causing your teammates so much trouble."

Before Naruto could blink, his sensei had him hogtied and was carrying him to the posts.

"There we go. Why don't you use this time to think over what you did wrong, eh?" Looking back, he called out. "Shouldn't you two make the best of this?"

Hauling themselves up, Sakura and Sasuke stumbled over to the posts, picking up a meal before slumping back down again.

"Remember, Naruto doesn't get any. Anyone who breaks the rule fails immediately. Understand?" At their glum nods, he set off. "I'll be back in a bit. Use this time wisely."

…

As Kakashi made his way to the treeline, carefully hiding his presence as he did, he considered his new protégés. They were not what he had been told to expect. While he had never put too much stock in the opinion of chuunin teachers, he had always been able to use it as a baseline.

This though… There was no getting around it, their teachers had miscalculated, badly. Perhaps the traitor instructor Naruto had discovered, Mizuki, had something to do with it.

Whatever it had been, what remained was that he would have to rely completely on his own intuition here.

The main difference was the level of cooperation they showed. They had clearly spent the previous day on more than a wild goose chase. They hadn't even considered going after the bells alone, and failing individually didn't seem to bother them either, so long as they succeeded. Teamwork had been among these three's lowest scores, yet they did everything in tandem. A highly fractious, argumentative tandem, but still…

Ninjutsu was another surprise. Using clones as chakra batteries for exhausted nin was genius, though it was possible only with the most massive reserves. It was likely Sakura who came up with it, given that, with her much smaller chakra pool, she benefited the most.

Sasuke's ability to mold fire chakra and use it in such a high level jutsu was unexpected, but believable. That he had clearly taught Sakura how to use it, to the point where she could modify it for herself to such an extent, was outright shocking. Keeping the original Naruto back while he sent out waves of clones as support and instant surveillance was extremely reasonable, and extremely out of character.

Genjutsu and taijutsu at least were as he expected. Though, again, their tactics and reactions had only underlined their willingness to work together.

Really, there was no need for him to continue. They had met the parameters of the bell test and exceeded his expectations by far. Even if they didn't break the rule, he would still pass them. Ah well, call it curiosity. No one had ever disobeyed him before, these were his best bet.

Whim justified, he turned his attention back to his oblivious students.

…

Back in the clearing, Naruto was trying to bluster his way through his hunger. "Hah! Like it matters. I don't need any food! I'm f-fine."

Sakura sighed and slumped further down. "Give it a rest, Naruto. I can hear your stomach from here. What are we going to do? Without Naruto backing us up, we won't last two seconds."

Naruto blushed. "Heh, aw man, you know I'll protect you Sakura." He looked like he wanted to crow in Sasuke's face.

"Shut up." Why did this idiot have to take everything the wrong way? "I'm just stating facts. And don't think for a second I've forgiven you for that genjutsu."

"What!?" Naruto instantly lost the cocky look he was throwing Sasuke.

Sakura instantly set about lecturing him. "Don't you what me. If you paid half as much attention to your schoolwork as you do your stomach, Sasuke wouldn't have had to come all the way over there to save me. Your clone was right there. Plus, you left your position. We were totally at his mercy without any backup. Did coming all the way over to 'save' me work? Well?"

Grumbling, Naruto shook his head.

Feeling a little bad for taking out her frustration on him, Sakura tried to mitigate her words. "Look, it's not really your fault. No matter what we did, we never had a chance, anyway. I mean, I knew jounin were a cut above, but … being told that and seeing it is totally different. It has to be like I said before. There's a trick to this stupid test and we're just missing it."

They were silent for a few minutes, mulling over Sakura's words. Then, Sasuke spoke up. "The bells."

Sakura started. "What was that, Sasuke?"

Staring off into the trees, Sasuke elucidated. "There are only two bells for three of us. This test … it's meant to gauge our teamwork. I'm sure of it."

Eyes widening, Sakura countered. "B-but, we've _been_ doing that. Since the beginning. If it's just about that, why hasn't he stopped yet?"

Sasuke didn't take his eyes off the forest. Eyes carefully scanning back and forth, he answered. "Before yesterday, would we have worked together? Even if it meant one of us would fail?"

Sakura and Naruto both looked uncertain how to answer him.

"We wouldn't, and that has to be in our files. Do you think he would go to the trouble of testing us without checking us out first?" He paused for a moment, giving each of her teammates a searching glance, before turning back. "Of course not. We surprised him. Ninja don't like surprises. He's just testing the limits of his information."

Sakura thought that over. "W-well then, should we tell him we can't do it?" At Sasuke's glare and Naruto's stubborn look, she hastened to explain. "I mean, doing the job is one thing, but you have to know your limits too, right? If we confront him, maybe he'll just come out with what it is he wants?"

Sasuke reached up to massage his temple. "No, I don't think that will work. Besides, whatever decision he makes, the advice he's given us so far has been … useful. Even if we fail, we should get everything we can out of this. They'll just keep sticking us together, anyway."

Sakura kept her dismay to herself. _No! I want to quit! At this rate I'll die!_

Relaxing his muscles, Sasuke leaned back. "I don't sense him anymore."

"What?" They weren't quite sure what that meant.

"Kakashi, I don't sense him anywhere. I've been searching since he left."

"A-are you sure, Sasuke?" That meant… that meant… Sakura's mind whirled at the possibilities.

With one last look out, Sasuke cautiously nodded. "Yes."

Immediately spinning around, Sakura elbowed Naruto forcefully in the gut and began stuffing food into his now open mouth. "You just keep an eye out for Kakashi, Sasuke. I'll take care of the dumb-ass. You! No time for chewing! Swallow, you wimp!"

Naruto had only one thought in his mind. Sakura cares! "Grghghgl."

Before Sakura could manage more than half of her meal into Naruto's mouth, a faint tension at the edge of her senses halted her mid motion. "Was that..?

Sasuke's reaction was more immediate. "No!"

Kroom! An explosion rocked them back, dust kicking up around them, obscuring their vision.

" _ **You guys**_!" Out of the smoke came Kakashi, voice amplified, face radiating threat. They'd been found out! What the hell were they going to do now!?

He reached an arm back, surely to end their lives.

"Pass."

He placed his hand on his hip, a supremely satisfied expression gracing them.

"…W-what?" What the hell was this nutjob thinking now! Slowly, Sakura parsed through his words. "P-passed? What the hell are you talking about!?"

Kakashi seemed more than pleased to answer her. "You guys are the first. Everyone else would just do whatever I told them. They were all simple-minded morons… Sakura? I think Naruto needs a little help."

Behind her, Naruto was gagging on the rather sizable amount of food he had reflexively tried to swallow in his shock. Without bothering to turn around, Sakura swung her fist into his solar plexus. "Ghu-oof! Ku-hwo-oh… Th-thanks … Sakura."

Smile faltering a bit, Kakashi addressed his new kunoichi-in-training. "Ah, Sakura? That's not really how you… ah, never mind. Just … never become a medic nin."

"Mr. Kakashi. Your explanation?" Sakura wasn't about to be waylaid now.

Sighing, Kakashi leaned back and, stepping around them, ambled past the stumps. "A ninja must see underneath the underneath. Those who break the rules and codes of the ninja are called trash, but … you know what? Those who don't take care of their comrades … are lower than trash." He stopped at a waist high stone monument, standing underneath a large shade tree.

"When you were waiting, did you look at this?" Kakashi didn't wait for a response. "Every name you see carved here was a ninja recognized as a hero of the village."

"Whaaaa, really?" Naruto's awed look seemed to broadcast envy.

"But … they aren't simply normal heroes." Kakashi's look became distant.

"Well, what kind are they? Tell us, tell us!" Naruto could barely contain his enthusiasm.

"They are all heroes who died on duty."

At that, Naruto's enthusiasm died. He slowly looked down. "Oh." Sakura and Sasuke each emulated his reaction.

"This is a memorial. My best friend's name is on here." Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Kakashi turned back to his students. "Anyone who doesn't understand what it means to have comrades is just a punk who doesn't deserve the title of shinobi."

At that, Kakashi's expression returned to it's normal placid nonchalance. "Like I said, you guys are the first. And that ends the training. All of you pass." He gave them a thumbs up. "Starting tomorrow, Team Seven will begin its duties."

To that, Naruto could have only one response. "Hah! Yes! We did it! I told you guys we're awesome! Now you _have_ to believe me!"

Sasuke was content with a satisfied smirk, as if he knew it couldn't have gone any other way.

Sakura let her exhausted body fall to the ground, fully intent on capitalizing on the wave of relief with a good … ten day nap.

"Well, remember, bright and early tomorrow. Later."

"Hah! You bet! I—w-wait. What about… Dammit! I knew this would happen! Untie me, you bastard! …Um, hello? S-Sakura? Sasuke? Are you guys awa—"

Thunk thunk thud!

"Ack! …Thanks."

Their ordeal finished, the three slid into an exhausted slumber.


	4. Chapter 4

_No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap._

—Carrie P. Snow

Chapter 4

No Day So Bad

"Look, just admit you're lost."

"Ruff!"

"Don't you ruff me. We've passed that building three times now."

"Hinn."

"Yeah, yeah, an if sorries were ice cream, I'd be twenty concussions and a body cast less to … eh, where was I going with this?" Ranma stopped at the sudden loss of her line of thought, then quickly shrugged it off as unimportant. "Guess we'll just have to ask around or somethin'."

"Hrr?" The puppy turned a reproachful eye towards her, as if affronted by her lack of confidence in his abilities.

That brought Ranma up short. "Oh, hell no. You listen here. First you're not stopping to get directions, then you're ignoring somebody's warning. Next thing you know, you've got a curse hangin' off your chest an' a crazy maniac hunting you down like a wild animal. Always get the lay a' the land before you do anything. Understand?" Her words brought confusion into the pup's eyes, but he nodded his agreement.

"Good. Now, let's see if I can figure out where we are." Looking around the quiet street they'd wandered into, she took stock of her surroundings. "Well, there's the big ass monument, so that's north. Straight back that way is main street, so we must be on the east side. Hmm." Looking more closely at the buildings around her, she noticed a small flower shop. "Yamanaka? I know where that is. That must mean we're…"

Trailing off, she organized her memories of Konoha's layout. A moment of thought had her snapping her fingers. "I know. We ain't far from a police department. We can ask them for help."

Perking his ears up at Ranma's change in tone, the puppy let out a questioning, "Hrr?"

Ruffling his ears, Ranma answered its question. "Yeah, usually they're pretty good about this stuff. 'Course, if pops were here he'd have us runnin' in the other direction, but he had more counts of petty theft than the police had thieves to chase."

A sudden commotion from the flower shop drew her attention away.

"Oh! This is terrible. Are you absolutely sure you don't have any? This was my last hope." A rather well dressed—and quite fat—woman was talking to a young blonde girl at the front of the flower shop.

"I'm really sorry, Madam Shijimi. We just don't carry any fruit here. Because it's a flower shop. For flowers. Not fruit." The kid seemed annoyed.

Making a comically exaggerated display of distress and waving her hands about—and dear god the woman had enough jewelry on to feed Genma for a year—the older lady continued without heed. "Oh, my husband will be so disappointed. We were _so_ looking forward to having fresh fruit to celebrate Tora's new collar. But everywhere we've been, they've told us that the shipments are all late. Can you believe that?"

The look on the girl's face seemed to say she believed several things, but was managing to keep from sharing them. "Yes, I've heard about that. Something about bandits in the Land of Wave."

That only set the lady off further. "Well, if that's the case, shouldn't you do something?"

"Do … something?"

Oh, this was great. The girl clearly didn't know how to handle stuck up aristocrats.

"Yes. Because you're ninja. Isn't it your job?"

Ninja? Examining the kid more closely, Ranma saw that she had her headband thingy tied about her waist.

Sigh. Why didn't they just hand the damn things out to pregnant mothers and save themselves some time?

"Our job? To hunt Wave bandits? The bandits who are from Wave. Which is not the Land of Fire."

Kid was in desperate need of some pointers.

"Yes."

'Cause blunt just never seemed to cut it with these types.

Turning the conversation over in her head, Ranma began to construct a quick racket to fill her pockets and maybe curry a bit of favor as well. Turning to the pup, who had been watching the confrontation with surprising concentration, she got his attention. "Hey, wanna help me scam some money right quick?" At his inquisitive growl, she grinned and ducked into an alleyway behind some boxes.

"Alright, watch this." Reaching into her pocket, Ranma pulled out a few seeds. Gripping them in a fist, she focused until a light blue glow haloed her hand.

Slowly, a small vine curled out and grew down from between her fingers, followed by several more. Before the startled and amazed eyes of her companion, the vines turned into thick bushes that flowered and grew huge, ripe berries.

"Heh. Cool, huh?" She got a fascinated nod in return. "Waste a' ki of course, but it's got its uses."

Pulling a basket out from seemingly nowhere, she quickly shook her bounty free. "I got an idea, but it'll take both of us workin' together, maybe Risu-chan too. So, ready to learn Anything Goes Cry of the Laden Crane?" The pup eagerly nodded. "Right, here's what you need to do." Laying out her plan, she found an apt student in the young dog. It was only moments before they were ready to go.

"Hey, are ya sure about that name you picked out? Once we start, there'll be no going back. You'll be stuck with it."

He just gave her a stubborn look.

"Right. Let's do this."

…

" _Yes_. Maybe somebody should talk to the Hokage about the fruit shortage. I'm sure he could do something about it for you. Unlike me. The genin."

Ino Yamanaka was slowly losing her mind. She was sure of it. Madam Shijimi was incapable of understanding the most simple of concepts. Like the difference between a grocer and a florist.

Her first day as a ninja was supposed to be special. Instead, she'd been suckered into some stupid test, a test her team only passed because she was able to _convince_ her teammates it was in their best interests, and now this! Between Shikamaru's laziness and Madam Shijimi's ineptitude she was on the verge of, of … argh!

Sudden movement fortunately distracted her from her growing desire to use Yamanaka secret arts on the woman.

"Ruff!"

A puppy? It looked like one of the Inuzuka's dogs, running playfully along the street. What was a ninken doing running around loose?

"Mao! Oh Mao! Please don't run away like that! You know I can't keep up with this _bi-ig_ basket of fresh, ripe fruit!"

That brought Ino up short. There, running along right behind the puppy, was a young, teenage girl. A very beautiful, _very_ well-endowed girl running… W-was she not wearing a—Ino's face immediately turned as red as any of the most vibrant of her flowers.

The puppy ran up to Madam Shijimi and began running circles around her. Right on his heels came the girl, sweeping him up and scolding him. "What have I told you about bothering strangers like that? Oh Mao, what am I going to do with you?"

Tilting her wide-brimmed straw hat back, she widened what must have been the bluest eyes Ino had ever seen and spoke.

"I am _so_ sorry about that, ma'am. I hope little Mao here wasn't bothering you too much? He's just _so_ young that he doesn't understand good manners yet. Please, forgive us?"

Her contrite, teary-eyed look had _Ino_ wanting to wrap her arms around the girl and never let go, and that look wasn't even directed at her. It was Madam Shijimi's opinion that mattered though, and the shell-shocked look on her face didn't bode well.

"You… You are…"

She leaned forward and Ino winced, bracing herself for the worst.

"So _cuuuuuuute_!"

The woman swept the girl up in a bear-hug so fierce Ino was sure she heard bones crack. The girl's trailing pigtail was actually standing on end. A few moments into it without reprieve had Ino wondering if she should interfere before the girl died, but Madame Shijimi loosed the girl and held her back, obviously wanting another look.

"You must be the sweetest thing! Oh, how I wish Tora were here. The three of you would take the most _adorable_ pictures! Tell me, what is your name?"

Standing back and grabbing onto her hat, as if for balance, the girl stretched her limbs a bit. Okay, Ino definitely heard bones crack that time.

"Ah, aheh, um … Oh my! How rude of me! I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Ranma Saotome, ma'am. It's an honor to meet you."

Then the girl curtsied. She actually curtsied! Ino had never actually seen it done before. She had thought no-one outside of the Daimyo's court did that. Just the same, it seemed to work on its target.

"Oh! Adorable, just adorable! I am Madam Shijimi and … what's that you have here?"

Looking down, Ranma raised the arm not occupied with the puppy. It was a basket filled with the most luscious berries Ino had ever seen.

"Oh, this? Well, you see, I found poor Mao here in an alleyway, abandoned. He had been staying there, protecting Risu from getting any more injured."

Before they could ask who Risu was, Ranma lifted her hat. There, sitting in makeshift bedding on her head, was a small, tortoiseshell and white colored kitten. Her leg was bandaged rather professionally. At the change in her environment, Risu looked up and mewled piteously. At the sight, Ino knew she was about to have a heart attack. It was just too heartbreaking.

"I couldn't just leave them there, but I am but a poor, country girl, new to town. In order to feed us, and get Risu some attention, I brought these to market. I was hoping some kind soul would buy them from me."

The desolate look Ranma had on her face was excruciating. Ino furiously hoped that Madam Shijimi would be that kind soul, because otherwise she knew she would give this girl every last ryo of her allowance.

"Oh! Oh my! Y-you poor, poor dears." Madam Shijimi was furiously wiping away tears. "I will not stand for such sweet dearies to go without. Oh Ro-ku. Roku! Where is that ma—"

"Right here, madame." A man wearing formal servant's garments stepped up behind his master. Ino started. She hadn't even been aware that he had been there. A ninja servant?

"My purse, quickly now." He handed her a large, gaudy bag, and she began rummaging through it. "Here we go, this should be enough for a short while."

She handed Ranma the largest wad of money Ino had ever seen. Judging by Ranma's eyes, it was the largest she'd ever seen too.

"And I insist you have dinner with us tonight. I absolutely insist. I can't take no for an answer!"

"Ah, yeah. Sure! Thank you ever so much, ma'am! This means a lot to us."

"Oh pish posh, think nothing of it. Come by around six. Oh, I simply can't wait. I must try one of these berries right now."

Reaching into the basket, now carried by Roku, she selected one and placed it in her mouth. She chewed only once before she stopped, color rushing to her face.

"Ah, you alright?"

"Madame?"

Had the berries gone bad? Ino knew they weren't poisonous.

Before she could investigate, Madam Shijimi came out of her shock.

"These … are the most … I don't even have words. Where on earth did you find these?" The look of bliss on her face said everything.

Ranma looked uncomfortable. "Ah, well … I grew them myself?"

Before she could continue, Madam Shijimi spun around on Ino. "Miss Yamanaka, your family are herbalists, correct?"

"Um, yes?"

"Here, tell me what you think of these."

Hesitantly, Ino stretched out her hand and took one. Bracing herself, she bit into it … and her mouth melted in sumptuous heaven, the world around her fading away.

The sounds of the busy city faded away. Above her, the clouds glowed, ringed by sunny glory. Birds seemed to be singing, or was that just the rush of blood to her head? Regardless, she heard a musical chorus of joy ringing in her ears. Her feet seemed to lift off of the pavement.

Somehow, it felt like today was the best day of her life, as if nothing could stop her. Her emotions had taken wing and she was flying far above her insignificant little problems.

Had she been able to see herself, she would have noticed that her eyes had rolled back and her legs were shaking.

Finally, the amazing feeling subsided. Opening her eyes, she found herself in the arms of Ranma, clearly concerned.

"Hey? You okay? I didn't think that would happen. I mean, they're just berries."

"J-just berries? How—what did you put in these things? That was the most amazing…"

Ranma wouldn't meet her eyes. "T-tender loving care?"

Had Ino been in a clearer state of mind, she would have called Ranma on the obvious circumlocution, but as it was, she still couldn't stand upright.

"From now on, if you ever have any more fruit to sell, you come straight to me." Madam Shijimi looked slightly desperate. "I'll pay anything you want, just make sure you come to me first, understand?"

Ranma nodded uncertainly. "S-sure. No problem." That seemed to relax the woman.

Ino was currently cursing herself for not offering her entire allowance, plus whatever was in the cash register as well.

Seeing that Ino was feeling better, Ranma stood her up once again. For a moment, an awkward silence fell.

"Madame, your husband is waiting."

"Oh! Of course! Don't forget what I said, now. I'll see you at six, ta-ta!" With that, she hurried down the street, her manservant following a respectful distance behind.

They watched her until she turned a corner, disappearing, and then Ranma changed into a more relaxed stance, releasing a very red Ino. "Whew, that was more work than I was expecting. You okay, Mao?"

They pup just gave her a hard look.

"Hey! I didn't know she was gonna grab us like that! An' besides, for a free meal, you can take a little hug. Don't be a wimp."

Mao glared harder, but apparently accepted what she said.

Turning to Ino, Ranma smirked. "An' that is how it's done."

Ino was having a hard time comprehending what was going on. Ranma's demeanor had changed completely, and her accent was bizarre. Ino had never encountered anything like it. "What?"

Ranma's grin widened. "Handling aristocrats is an art. They all grew up funny, and it makes 'em a little hard in the head. I saw you having trouble and figured I could help. Never could resist a damsel in distress."

Ino's face felt like fire, but she managed to answer. "D-do you mean you were lying, then?" Somehow, she just couldn't believe it.

"Wh—No! Everythin' I said was the truth. I found Mao an' Risu in an alleyway. I mean, I patched Risu here up, so she really don't need anything but rest. But I am new in town an' I can't take care of 'em. I was just on my way to the police station to see if they could help me find Mao's owners. All I need ta do is find his owners and make sure that they'll take care of 'im an' Risu-chan here. I did kinda' ham it up a bit, I guess, but it was all true."

Actually, even put frankly, it was still pretty sad. And Ranma's strange accent became thicker the more flustered she became, it seemed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to accuse you."

"Ah, forget it. Least ya didn't try to kill me."

Kill her? What kind of life had Ranma lived where she expected that sort of thing? Studying the girl in front of her to gain some clue, she noticed that Ranma was no taller than Ino herself. It was only Ranma's prodigious bust that gave lie to her apparent age. And now Ino was thinking back to the hold Ranma had her in when she nearly fell. Definitely not wearing a…

"Hey, your face is all red again. Are ya sure those berries were okay?"

Setting those thoughts to the furthest reaches of the back of her mind, Ino asked the other question she had. "What did you mean by handling aristocrats?"

Ranma's smile returned. She was obviously the forgive and forget kind, emphasis on the latter.

"Aristocrats don't speak the same language as normal people. They never learned what sayin' no means. You say 'no', they hear 'yes, but you have to talk me to death first'. Real annoying. 'Specially when you can't give 'em what they want. The trick is to make 'em think what they want is somethin' or somewhere else."

"Wait, how would I do that?" Ino was fascinated, no one had ever explained things in this sort of detail to her before, but she was having trouble following.

Ranma chuckled. "You actually nearly had it. How do you think she got to your shop in the first place?"

Ino pursed her lips. "Because she has the brains of a slug?"

Bemused, Ranma shook her head. "Heh, 'sides that. Think about it. Lady wants some fresh fruit. She goes to market, talks to a vendor. 'Oh no! You have no fruit? Whatever shall I do? Are you _sure_ you don't have any?'"

Ino covered her mouth to keep from giggling at Ranma's spot on impersonation.

"He don't want to lose her business, but he ain't got what she needs. What's he gonna do? Simple. Pass the buck. He tells her that he knows this other guy an' maybe he's got what she needs. So off she goes, an' whaddaya know? He ain't got any either, but he knows of this _other_ other guy. Before ya know it, she's at the last grocer in town. He goes to tell her about this other guy, but 'He doesn't have any.' 'Well, what about—' 'Already been there.' Now he's sweatin'. He's figured out he's the last guy an' he can't tell her no. Can't risk his business gettin' a bad reputation. So what does he do? 'Well, there's this store down by the Yamanakas. They got plants. Why don't you talk to them?" Ranma's smile was predatory.

Ino's mirth died and quickly resurrected as righteous fury. "What!? Those bastards!" She wasn't sure what a buck was, but if she ever found it, she'd be sure to cram it down the throat of every grocer in town.

Ranma raised her hands placatingly. "Whoa now. Like I said, you nearly had it with that Hokage thing."

She clasped her hands and gazed wide-eyed at Ino. "Oh, no! No fruit? That _is_ terrible. I heard _all_ about that. Those terrible bandits in Wave are causing so-o much trouble for everyone. If only I was important enough to talk to the Hokage. He'd have this fixed in a jiffy, I'm sure." She shifted back to her rough persona. "An' that's that. The trick is to make 'em think it's their idea. They probably won't remember you anyway, so they can't blame ya if it goes wrong."

Ranma's mercurial mannerisms were throwing Ino off. As the best kunoichi in school, she had always been proud of her ability to read other girls, but Ranma seemed to elude her finely honed senses. More importantly, "That's…"

"Genius?"

"Genius!"

"Heh, had more'n enough experience, an' you looked like you could use the help."

Stretching, Ranma made to leave. "Well, I guess I better see if I can get Mao home. He's gettin' kinda antsy."

Before Ranma could get too far, Ino called out. "Wait!" Ranma paused and raised an eyebrow, causing Ino to blush at her forwardness. "I mean, about the puppy."

Blinking in surprise, Ranma looked at Ino expectantly. "Yeah? What about 'im?"

"Uh, I think he might be one of the Inuzuka's dogs. They're the ones who keep almost all of the animals around here, anyway." Before Ino could blink, Ranma was right in her face.

"Really?"

Ino nodded, not sure whether to lean back or— "E-even if he isn't, they run the vet and pound so they'd be more helpful than the police."

"Hey, great! That'll save us tons of time. Hey Mao, are you one a' these Inuzukas?"

"Ruff!"

"Yes! Hear that Risu? We'll get you guys home in no time."

Ino was used to seeing ninken interact with their owners, so that the pup could answer intelligently was no surprise, but they were normally a lot more reserved around others, even other ninja. Ranma was becoming more and more interesting.

"Um, to get there, you just follow this road east. Once you cross the river, the vet will be on your right just after. If you have trouble, just look for anyone with large fangs tattooed on their cheeks. That's their clan markings."

"Thanks a bunch! Hey, I never asked. What's your name?"

Ranma was giving her that open look again. Blushing, Ino replied, "I-Ino Yamanaka."

Ranma blinked, as if surprised. She seemed to think it over, glancing up at the Yamanaka clan symbol—the boar—hanging's over their heads, as well as a few glances to Ino's blonde hair. Then she started chuckling.

"Is—is there something funny?" Ino wasn't used to being laughed at after introducing herself, but Ranma apparently didn't do things normally.

Ranma merely waved off her concerns. "Heh, naw, it's nothin'. Just thinkin' today's been a pretty good day, you know?"

Blushing again, Ino nodded. Ranma waved and walked off, Ino watching till the last minute. As Ranma's form finally disappeared, Ino shook herself. Perhaps it would be a good idea to find Sasuke as soon as possible. Today had been far too confusing for her mind to handle.

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~o0{O}0o~

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As the most populous of the hidden villages, Konoha was very urban, metal and stone having long replaced most of the wood the original settlement had been built with. However, even as they expanded, the city's designers kept in mind the roots from which they sprung. Forested training grounds broke the gray metropolitan scenery and trees and shrubs dotted the streets, becoming more prominent the further one was from the center.

To the powerful nose of an Inuzuka, the rich smells of the wild mixing with the diversity of human life was fascinating. Today, however, Hana Inuzuka hadn't the time to drink in the pungent aromas of her home. Normally content to work till late at the Konoha hospital, today she had been forced to cut her shift short. A clan summons wasn't something one just ignored, her mother even less so.

Focused as she was on returning home quickly, she was unusually oblivious to her surroundings. If it hadn't been for a particularly insistent vendor startling her out of her rush, she would have missed it entirely.

"Are you certain miss? Today's steamed buns are particularly—"

"No. Thank you. I'm in a bit … of a … hurry." It was then that she smelled it. A faint wisp hanging on the breeze. She wasn't even certain what _it_ was, other than perhaps the most unique scent she'd ever encountered. Somehow, it smelled of … vitality … and confidence.

Whatever else it might have been, it was weak. Ignoring the hustle and bustle around her, she tuned everything she had on it. Even using chakra to augment her sense of smell couldn't help her identify it, but…

Turning about, she scanned the street. The typical rush from lunch had thinned out, leaving only a small stream of stragglers. Nothing seemed to stand out as alien enough to—

There! A burst of bright red flashed in her view.

A … person? A girl. Now that she had a target to fix her attention on, she found that the odd scent did indeed have an undercurrent of human to it. How had she missed it?

The girl herself certainly didn't look like a ninja, at least from the back. Short, at least fifteen centimeters shorter than Hana herself, she had on simple garb in the style of westerners. Her hair was done in a short pigtail hanging from beneath a large straw hat, and her skin was almost ivory pale. She was also holding something out of sight.

Straining all her senses, Hana still couldn't pick up anything out of the ordinary from her, besides her smell, but something…

As she studied the enigma before her, the girl suddenly stopped. Tilting her head, as if in thought, she spun slowly around and, almost immediately, locked eyes with Hana. For a moment, they studied each other, ignoring the flow of traffic around them.

Quickly, Hana became uncomfortable. This sort of scrutiny, especially from a civilian, had always made her nervous.

Inuzuka weren't known for their human appearance. Hana had made an attempt, straightening her naturally wild hair into a simple ponytail and hiding her unusual eyes and canines, but there would always be something of the feral in her. Something that even normal humans with their deadened senses could pick up on.

Suddenly, the girl grinned and started moving towards her.

Oh no. Hana knew this type. Even with the simple clothes she was a beauty, and was clearly aware of it. She'd noticed Hana's admittedly rude staring and decided to confront her in some petty power play. Now the girl was nearly on her.

Well, she'd just apologize and excuse herself. She didn't have time anyway, and there was no need for—

"Hey, you're pretty cute."

W-what? Hana's thought process ground to a halt, trying to shift gears to match the girl. However, after that complete non sequitur, she simply studied Hana's face, her eyes roaming. What was this girl thinking?

"You're a' Inuzuka right?"

"I-I'm sorry?" What did her clan have to do with anything?

"Eh? What're you sorry for?" The girl blinked in apparent confusion. "Naw, I was just wondering if you were from the Inuzuka. Ino-chan said I just had to look for the tattoos. Was she wrong? That's weird. She seemed sure…"

The girl's accent was barely understandable, definitely not from the Land of Fire. Even the few natives from Stone Hana had heard didn't sound quite like her. Just where was she from, anyway? And who was Ino Chan? "Ah, no, that's right. I am, but what would you need from us?"

"Great!" The girl's smile was beaming. "I found one a' your puppies wanderin' around and I figured you'd want him back."

Puppy? Sure enough, looking down at what the girl was carrying, Hana found herself looking at one of her clan's ninken. One of Aneko's recent litter by the looks of him. "How—you just found him?"

"Well, more like he found me. Wanted help fixing up his friend and dragged me inta it. I was too much of a sucker to say no."

"Wait, friend?"

Glancing around, as if expecting enemy nin to ambush her, the girl grabbed her hat and tilted it up. Underneath was … a kitten? A kitten with a splint on its leg? What in the world was going on? "So … a cat—" before she could go any further, the girl froze, then reached out and attached herself to Hana's arm. The outright panic in her eyes as she jerked her head back and forth startled Hana into inaction.

"C-c-c-cat!? W-where? I-I don't see no c-c-cats."

She was actually trembling, her small frame attempting to melt into Hana's. And was she not wearing—

Breaking off any thoughts that could distract her from piecing together just what the hell was going on, Hana tried to gain the distraught girl's attention. "What's wrong? I was just talking about … on your head. The k-"

"Ruff!"

The puppy interrupted, glaring as if trying to burn holes into her. He was too young to communicate well, but he could get simple things out. His desire for her to shut up came through loud and clear. He was almost growling at her.

Somehow, the girl relaxed a small amount, though she kept her grip on Hana's arm. Her very distracting gr—argh!

"A-are ya talkin' about Risu? H-hah. J-jeez, don't do that ta me. If one a' those monsters was around I'd—N-not that I'm scared or nothin'."

Of course not. It was perfectly normal to attempt to become someone else's second skin from wherever she come from.

"A-anyway. Risu-chan ain't a c-c- that. She's a squirrel."

Hana blinked. Then she blinked again. Looking down at the pup didn't solve anything. He just nodded sagely, as if this were perfectly normal. As young as he was, he probably did think this was normal. "So…"

"Yeah. Just 'cause she's got a little deformity is no reason to be insulting. She's pretty nice once you get to know her."

The doctor in her couldn't help but analyze the girl. It didn't take a Yamanaka to recognize what was obviously a phobia of felines. An extremely intense phobia, if the mere mention of one caused this strong a reaction.

Channeling chakra to her eyes, Hana examined the hand on her arm and the face just beyond. What she saw was shocking.

Scar tissue. It covered nearly every inch of skin she could see. Somehow, it had healed in such a way as to blend together completely, yet still left the skin hypopigmented. Without a close examination by a decently skilled medic nin, it would be impossible to see.

That at least explained why her skin was so fair when she obviously wasn't of noble blood, but it left a mountain of unanswered questions behind.

"Hee heheh. S-stop that!"

Jerking in surprise, Hana dropped the jutsu.

The girl fidgeted a bit under her stare. "Ah, it tickled… Whatever you were doin'."

A chakra sensor? A sensitive, untrained chakra sensor. What else was this girl hiding? Before Hana could decide what to do, the girl tensed again and suddenly leaped back, free hand upraised as if expecting an attack.

"Ah! Sorry! Sorry sorry sorry! It was an accident! I didn't mean to grab ya like that!"

"Whoa, calm down. It's fine." What in the world…

Ranma couldn't allow herself to relax right away. "R-really? You ain't gonna hit me or anything?"

Hit her? Maybe Hana was a little rough looking, but… "No. Of course not. Why would I hit you?" She kept her voice in control—the girl was skittish enough as it was—but she couldn't help being a little curt.

"That's weird. Normally I'd get my block knocked off. Is it 'cause I'm a girl? No, I usually get hit even then. Maybe things are different here." The girl's voice was low, muttering to herself, but sharp ears picked up every word.

Now Hana was just confused again. This was too much. She needed to figure out what was going on and she couldn't do that here. "Ah, never mind that. Why don't you just come with me? I don't want to disturb the—Risu's bindings, so it would be better that way. I'm Hana Inuzuka, by the way." Delivering an unknown into the midst of her clan without even learning her name would just be stupid.

"Right! I'm Saotome Ranma. Er, I mean, Ranma Saotome, sorry 'bout this."

Definitely western then, likely from beyond the Land of Earth. No one reversed their name like that around here, anymore. Not unless they were doing historical plays. How she managed to get so far from home was just one more mystery to be solved. "Well, follow me then. We aren't far."

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~o0{O}0o~

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"O-kay! I'll see you guys tomorrow!" Naruto was in an excellent mood.

"Just go, Naruto. You're getting on my nerves. How in the hell you can still have so much energy after that…" Sakura kept muttering complaints and mild curses as she slowly, painfully, made her way home.

Sasuke didn't even bother with that much, simply heading towards the Uchiha compound with as much speed as his aching body would allow.

Not letting his teammates' moody affects ruin his own high spirits, Naruto quickly set off for the Ichiraku Ramen Bar. The lunch Kakashi had brought was alright, but now that he was officially a ninja, he felt that he needed to celebrate with something a little more special. He set off running across the rooftops, meaning to save as much time as possible.

It didn't take Naruto long to get within sight of his destination, which prompted Naruto to slow down. Teuchi, the proprietor of Ichiraku, had let him know in no uncertain terms that he didn't appreciate Naruto falling from the sky and startling and occasionally bowling over other patrons. So, when Naruto made it to a roof that was only a little distance away, he made to jump to the ground in a small alley below.

And landed directly on top of someone. "Oof!"

Unable to compensate for the unexpected obstacle, he fell in a tangle of limbs and curses, taking the other person down to the ground with him. Maybe he wasn't quite as recovered from earlier as he had thought.

By the rather feminine squeaks, he'd just knocked over a girl. A girl his age if her size was anything to go on. If his experiences with Sakura had taught him anything, it was that the next few moments were crucial in order to avoid getting his ass beat.

Extricating himself, Naruto reached out to help her up. "You okay? Man, that sure was a uh," _Think_ dammit! Right! Operation … "A close call! Right! Man, that jerk Sasuke never looks where he's throwing those stupid kunai of his." Blame Sasuke … "Lucky I got to you in time. Heh, heheheh." Gogogogo _go_!

"N-Naruto?"

Oh crap, he'd been made already? She knew who he was? That meant she had to be a classmate. Operation: Blame Sasuke, or Operation: BS, wasn't meant to be used on classmates. Especially _girls_! This was an unmitigated disaster! His only hope was that she was one of the less dedicated fan girls, then he might escape with only a few bruises and cracked bones.

Lifting her head, the girl met Naruto's eyes. Short, blue-black hair framed a cute, if still rather shocked, face. It was the eyes that were most telling, though. Milky white eyes, bereft of pupils or anything normally marking such organs, still gave the impression of keen perception. Such eyes belonged to the Hyuuga clan bloodline, Byakugan. Hadn't there been a Hyuuga that had passed the exams this year? What was her name?

Before he could dredge up any memories to help him identify her, the girl suddenly reddened and backed away quickly, bowing several times.

"I—I'm sorry. I didn't—I mean, I thought you were—you sounded like—N-not that you sound like a—I—I'm _sorry_!"She finally cut off her stuttering with a humiliated squeak.

Hmm, Hyuuga, red face, easily embarrassed, stutters a whole lot… "Hey, I know you. You're Hinata right?"

She actually seemed to become more flustered now that she'd been recognized. "U-um, d-do I know you?"

The way she was looking at him, it was almost as if she wanted the answer to be no. Weird. "What are you talking about? I'm Naruto! You just said my name."

"N-Naruto? But, um, you don't—" She studied his face carefully. "Or m-maybe you do. But, that is, you look … um, y-your hair?" She finished weakly.

Grabbing a lock of his still red hair, he grinned at her. "Oh, you mean this? Cool, right? It was teach's fault, but I figured I'd leave it. Now I'm even _more_ awesome, eh?"

"Y-your teacher did—but…" Hinata chewed her lip. This person obviously looked like Naruto, at least in the face, but the hair and what she'd felt of the body…

She violently shook that thought from her head. That way lay madness. Hyuuga were taught to rely on their sight more than any other sense, given the advantage their eyes gave them, but the conflicting messages she was receiving were too much. "Um, w-would you mind if I, c-could I use…"

"Um, sure, I guess. Whatever you want." Truthfully, Naruto had no idea what she wanted, but she wasn't hitting him and that was fine by him.

He watched as she clasped her hands together in the seal of the snake, modified with her right forefinger upraised to her eye. Wasn't that the seal for the Byakugan? Varicose veins bulged out around and in Hinata's eyes, and a small half-circle that almost looked like a pupil appeared.

Ew. He'd forgotten what it looked like when they activated their super vision.

Suddenly, Hinata gasped. "Wha… How? N-Naruto?"

"Ha! Told ya."

"But, but … you're a gir—"

Leaping forward, Naruto clasped a hand over her mouth. Frantically scanning the alley to make absolutely sure they were alone, he dragged her further in. "Don't do that! What if somebody was listening? I can't let anybody know." His shoulders sagged as he realized that it was a bit late to conceal it. He couldn't even try to deny it anymore. "Aw man, what am I gonna do now?"

Hinata was beginning to look rather red, he noticed. Not that he was sure why. He _had_ remembered to leave her nose uncovered, but he released her anyway. "Ah, sorry. How'd you figure it out anyway?"

Hinata took a moment to let her emotions calm down. She wasn't used to such close contact. Especially from someone she…

Face reddening again, she focused on the question. "Um, your ch—chakra pathways. They're the same, but, um, y-your body… It—it's, well, it's … you know." She looked down and started fiddling with her fingers to keep herself calm.

Naruto thought that over. "So you're saying you know who people are just by doing your eye thing? Wow, that's amazing!"

Hinata blushed cutely at the praise.

"Wait a minute. Does that mean you can see through my clothes? Isn't that kinda pervy?"

" _Eep_."

For a moment, Hinata could only work her jaw, her face reaching a temperature that couldn't be healthy. She felt herself going faint from the humiliation, but her training as the daughter of the head of the Hyuuga clan forced her back to unwelcome consciousness.

"N-no! I didn't! I wouldn't! Th-the Byakugan, you have t-to activate … on purpose! Eep! Not that I w-would! I asked! I did! P-please forgive me! I'll do anything! _Please_!" Hinata began bowing as low as she possibly could. If Naruto thought she was a pervert, she couldn't go on living.

Naruto stood there, slack jawed. This was not how things were supposed to go. He was the one who got called a pervert and had to beg for his life, not girls. Then again, his body was a girl's now. Maybe that was the difference? Yes! Bonus!

Of course, it only seemed to work when people knew he was a girl, so it wasn't all that useful. Still, since Hinata already knew, maybe he could get her to help him out? She did say anything, after all.

"Um, it's okay. It's not really that big a deal, right? You're not gonna tell anybody, are you?" Hinata fervently shook her head no. "Well, in that case, maybe you can help me figure out how to go back to being a guy again?"

Numb with relief, it took Hinata a moment to realize what Naruto was asking. "Back? Um, o-okay. Maybe if you … told me how, um, you know."

It was something of a relief to finally have someone to talk to about his predicament. "Well, it's pretty simple. Everything was fine, then I went to take a bath and I was a girl. I think what happened was I got to accidentally thinking like a girl and didn't notice, cuz of exams and stuff, and my body got confused when I did my sexy jutsu. Now I'm stuck."

That … didn't sound even remotely plausible. But then again, neither did random sex changes. "A-and, um, your hair?" Hinata asked.

"Huh? Oh, that was teach's fault. Me and Sakura and Sasuke were playing a prank on her for being late, and it kinda backfired. I still don't get how. Even down there changed."

That had Hinata blushing again.

"Now that I think about it, she made my voice change too. And Sasuke's."

Changed his voice? Maybe … maybe it hadn't been random. Maybe Naruto's teacher had … and Sasuke too? That was terrible. No prank was worth that kind of punishment. She had to tell him. "Um, I think—"

"Aw man, but teach is scary. You wouldn't believe the crap she put us through. We had to run through this freaky forest with monsters and everything. Those spiders were huge!" Naruto spread his arms as wide as he could. "Way bigger than us. _And_ she kept throwing tons of exploding tags at us. She even paralyzed Sasuke! I didn't even get to laugh about it cuz the jerk couldn't help us fight off those freakin' spiders. We nearly died!"

Hinata began to feel faint. Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to get in the way after all. His teacher probably had everything under control, and it wouldn't be polite to meddle.

"Anyway, that stuff doesn't matter. I already figured out what I need to do next."

"Y-you did?" She really needed to lie down after this.

Naruto nodded. "Yep, Sakura helped me figure it out. All I gotta do is start thinking like a guy again, and use my reverse sexy jutsu. Sakura says the thing guys need most is girlfriends, so all I gotta do is—Hey! I know! Hinata, wanna be my girlfriend?"

What was this strange, lightheaded feeling? Odd, but there was no time for that. She needed to answer Naruto. It was only polite. What had he asked again? Would she like to get married? "Of course, Naruto. That would be … wonderful." _Whump_!

"H-Hinata? Oy, Hinata! Are you okay!? Hinata!"

.

.

.

~o0{O}0o~

.

.

.

Opening the backdoor to the Inuzuka clan's veterinarian hospital, Hana waved Ranma inside. "Be careful not to disturb the patients."

"No problem." Ranma definitely looked uncomfortable at the idea of more animals following her around. At least the hall they had entered showed no signs of life. "Look, 'bout before—"

"The treatment area is right through here. We can get some dry clothes after we take care of your friend." Hana really didn't want to talk about it.

"I said I was sorry." Ranma was giving off those strange, abused vibes again.

"And I still don't understand what you're sorry for," Hana deflected. "It was that woman's fault for not looking before she dumped her laundry water. And that delivery boy really should have been more careful with those barrels. The horse was … you can't blame him for kicking over his water trough. He's just an ordinary animal."

Ranma was obviously unconvinced Hana wasn't angry at her. "An' the other five times?"

"It was just … coincidence." Coincidence that occurred every time Hana was asking a question that made Ranma uneasy, but… "A bad day. Why do you think it's your fault anyway?"

Ranma nervously fingered her pigtail. "Heh, well, I just … feel bad? 'Cause I dodged most of it, an' you got hit?"

Hana considered that as she ushered them through the door to the treatment area. Ranma seemed incapable of lying competently. Even without her heightened senses, Hana could have seen through that pathetic display.

At the same time, it was impossible to figure out what she was hiding. There was no way Ranma could have caused any of … whatever that had been. It was impossible, no matter how convenient it seemed.

Maybe it was just an ingrained reaction? Hana had needed to reassure fearful and jumpy patients before, but Ranma was acting like an abuse victim. Perhaps Ranma was an escaped slave, or something of the sort? That would explain a lot, yet, again, leave even more questions.

Regardless, Ranma's body language clearly said that she expected to be punished, and Hana needed her relaxed if she was to get her answers. "You didn't do anything wrong. You kept the k—"

"Grr."

"Risu dry. That's all that counts. You did the right thing. It's my own fault for not watching my surroundings more closely."

Flushing, Ranma continued her attentions to her braid. Apparently, complimenting her left her almost as flustered as being angry with her did.

Mao, for his part, didn't seem overly concerned over a bit of water. "Ruff!"

Ranma perked up at the puppy's interjection. "Mao's right. We should get to Risu." Closing her eyes, she removed her hat and gently lifted and placed Risu, who had been napping comfortably, on a nearby examining table. Twisting around where she could no longer see the kitten, she gave Hana a bright grin. "Guess it's your turn then."

It seemed Risu's declared status as a squirrel wasn't quite as ingrained a delusion as Hana had assumed. Interesting.

"Ruff!"

"What? You wanna see, too? Ugh, fine. Keep quiet an' don't bother Hana. She's doin' this for you ya know."

Mao seemed agreeable to the terms as he scrambled into her arms. "Hrr?"

"Gimme a second. Ain't like I'm gonna run off." Closing her eyes again, Ranma turned around and stood slightly off to the side of the table. "This' okay right?"

"Um, yes." Hana was increasingly amazed at Ranma's ability to correctly interpret what Mao was saying to her. Inuzuka grew up with their ninken, so communicating in the clan language was as natural as breathing. For an outsider to do it so naturally was … bizarre. Even if Mao was only capable of simple words, it was still impressive. That was another mystery she absolutely had to get to the bottom of. A strange scent was one thing; clan secrets were wholly different.

That was for later, however. Stepping up and placing a hand on the broken limb, another on the head, Hana started the examination with a simple healer's scan, feeling out into the kitten's body with her chakra. She didn't want to disturb the dressing until she knew what she was dealing with. "No cuts or breaks in the skin. A closed fracture, that's good… Hmm, Only minor post-fracture edema." That was odd. She would have expected more swelling if it were as serious as to need a splint right away. Perhaps Ranma had overreacted.

Searching deeper, Hana nearly dropped her jutsu in shock. The leg was most certainly broken. The radius and ulna had suffered a complete fracture, dislocating the joint above. An injury like this could leave any animal crippled, even with the best care.

But, somehow, the bones had been realigned, the fragments pieced into place like a puzzle, and they were knitting themselves back together at an astonishing rate.

More then that, she saw only minor tissue damage. Even the best team of surgeons would leave noticeable damage afterward, unless you were Lady Tsunade.

"Um, s'everything alright?"

"What?" Hana turned her attention back to the waiting duo.

"You sounded kinda upset. We were gettin' worried. She's gonna be okay, right?"

Ranma and Mao both looked tense. Hana must have made some noise when she was looking Risu over. "Oh, yes, of course. She's actually in wonderful condition, considering." Their fears relieved, they both relaxed.

"That's good. I told her she'd be back to runnin' around in a couple a' days. Would hate ta've lied to her."

A couple of days? This sort of injury typically took months to recover from, if it happened at all. If she knew enough field medicine to be able to properly recognize and treat Risu's wound, she had to know that as well. Unless … did that mean Ranma had done more than bind Risu up? "How di—"

" _ **Haana**_!"

That booming voice made Hana's blood run cold. After all the commotion, she'd forgotten her mother's summons. Tsume wasn't someone you ignored. This … wasn't going to be pleasant.

" _Hana_! I'm coming back there! Unless you're missing a limb, I'm going to string you up naked, slather you with honey, and leave you for the _goddamned crows_!"

Before Hana had the chance to weigh the risks of a quick amputation against her mother's threats, the door ripped from its hinges and flew past. Fuck.

…

Ranma watched curiously as one of the fiercest women she had ever seen stalked through the demolished doorway. That … was an impressive statement, all told.

The woman had the same clan markings and dark brunette hair as Hana, as well as a face that bore familial resemblance, but the similarities ended there. Her hair wasn't in any way neat or tidy, instead shooting out in spikes alongside her face and down her back. Her dark pupils were contracted into slits, focused unerringly on Hana. Her lips, covered in a fierce shade of violet, were tautened and twisted into a snarl, long canines bared threateningly. The growl emanating from her lips reminded Ranma of one of Herb's subordinates. The wolf guy, whatever his name had been.

Speaking of wolves, a rather massive specimen was trailing behind her. He was black, with white covering his undersides and reaching up to his muzzle and left eye, his right covered by an eye patch.

The wolf entered the room a few steps, then halted. Carefully sniffing the air, he turned to Ranma and stared. Figuring a staring contest with a wolf was more interesting than some boring family disagreement, Ranma decided to humor him. Besides, it had been a while since she'd had the opportunity to stare down a wolf as big as this one.

…

Hana, for her part, was wisely averting her eyes and lowering her head submissively, backing away from her mother's circling pace as she did. Despite being noticeably taller, Hana attempted to shrink as far as her frame would let her. Tsume reached out with digits that looked more like claws than fingers and grabbed Hana's uniform, pulling her even further down. Before she could get out more than threatening growls, Hana managed to stutter out a greeting.

"M-mother."

The endearment didn't seem to assuage any fury. For a few moments, Hana's mother simply continued growling at her, before finally returning to human language. "What the fuck did you think I called you out here for!? A picnic!? If I didn't need your nose right now I'd have you stripped and tied already!"

"Ah, w-what did you need, exactly?" Hana's voice was noticeably squeaky, but she knew better than to bother with excuses.

"One of those idiot genin lost a pup yesterday and didn't tell anyone! I didn't find out till just an hour ago, the goddamned moron! I've already got your brother and a half-dozen others searching the village, but it rained last night and they lost the scent. Somewhere near main street. I need you to go out and help organize them before they get completely hopeless. Can you do that, or do you need time to freshen up first?"

The answer to that question was rather obvious, but Hana was distracted by a simple realization. "Wait, lost puppy? Would that be one of Aneko's litter?"

"Yes! Do you need a description too!? How many damned lost nin pups can there be in town!?"

Deciding that tempting fate any further would not lead to anything she would want to remember, she simply pointed past her mother towards Ranma.

Following the gesture, Tsume turned to see Ranma holding her lost pup and … staring down Kuromaru? Ranma looked bored.

"Who the hell are you!?" Tsume demanded.

At being addressed, Ranma looked up. "Eh, Ranma Saotome. Sorry 'bout this. Him too. Apologize Mao."

"Ruff!"

That very obviously did not explain anything. Thanks, Ranma.

Turning back to her daughter, Tsume demanded, "What is this?"

Hana winced. There was a lot she needed to discuss with her mother, but she couldn't exactly say it all in Ranma's presence. "Well, I ran across Ranma on the way back, and she approached me about a lost ninken and an injured, ah, friend the ninken had. I took her back here to sort everything out. Um, Ranma? This is my mother, Special Jounin Tsume. That's Kuromaru over there."

Tsume eyed Ranma. "You found our lost pup?"

Ranma simply shrugged. "More like he found me. He wanted some help for his friend, but didn't know how to get home, so I dragged 'em around till I got some directions."

"Friend?"

Ranma nodded. "Yeah, Risu. She's the squirrel over there." She waved in the direction of the table, but didn't look.

Tsume, however, did. It seemed to take her a moment to register the discrepancy. "That's a c—"

"Ruff!"

At the interruption, Ranma began admonishing the puppy. "Jeez, Mao. I already told her Risu's a squirrel. Ya don't have to repeat it."

Tsume turned back to her daughter. "I think you're going to have to start over."

Opportunity. Giving Ranma what she hoped was an apologetic look, Hana said, "Ranma? Would you and Mao mind waiting in the other room for a few minutes? We have some … clan business we need to discuss." Tsume narrowed her eyes, but Hana ignored it.

"Yeah, no problem." Carefully stepping around the mess, Ranma made her way out the ruined door.

Before her mother could make any more demands, Hana hastened to point out the one thing that would give her pause. "Take a deep breath, mother."

Whoops, poorly worded. Tsume was scowling now.

"The scent. Breathe in the scent."

Suspiciously, Tsume took a hesitant sniff. Her eyes widened. She took in a full breath this time. "What? What is…" It didn't take her long. She spun around on the exit Ranma had taken. "Her? How? I didn't even—"

"Recognize it as human at first?"

Turning back, Tsume narrowed her eyes again and nodded. "What's going on, Hana?"

Sighing in relief now that she was in the clear, Hana put her thoughts in order. "I'm not sure exactly, I didn't have time to ask her much before you came in, but I think that girl has some sort of rare bloodline. She might not even be aware of it herself. Take a look at the patient. Tell me what you think."

Giving the kitten a quick look over, Tsume rapidly came to a diagnosis. "Looks like a cracked bone, nothing serious. A few weeks and she'll be fine."

Hana shook her head. "It's a complete fracture, several fragments, and the joint was dislocated. She'll be fine in a few days."

Tsume reeled back. "How the hell is that possible? A break like that would put a ninken out for months!"

"I don't know. What I do know is that the fragments were pieced back together perfectly, tissue damage was greatly _reduced_ , and that girl is the one who did it. Either that, or we've got a super cat on our hands. Combined with the smell, and a few other things, I'm guessing the former is more likely."

Tsume considered that for a few moments. "What 'other things'?"

Hana gladly supplied an answer. "She's a sensor for one. Extremely sensitive too, if untrained. I performed a light scan on her and she detected it. Said it 'tickled'. Furthermore, her skin is hypopigmented due to severe scarring. I'm guessing she has a latent healing ability that isn't quite perfect, leaving her skin unblemished, but without pigment. And …" This was the big one. "I'm fairly positive the reason the trackers lost the scent near main street is because that's where she picked him up."

The significance of that was not lost on Tsume.

"She also has an uncanny ability to understand ninken. A puppy isn't the best measure, however. I thought I'd expose her to the Haimaru brothers."

Pausing for a moment, Hana nibbled her lip. "Then there's … her psyche. She seems to have an extreme aversion to cats."

"Wait, cats? Who the hell is afraid of a fucking kitten?"

"Ranma is. Even the mere mention of one sets her off. She can get over the fear when necessary, obviously, but the method she uses is … odd."

Tsume raised an eyebrow. "Is that what that squirrel nonsense was about?"

Hana nodded. "She wasn't able to be around a cat, so she convinced herself it was something different. So long as she doesn't look directly at it, she's able to keep up the delusion."

Tsume started pacing, mind racing. "Something like that doesn't just happen. She had no problem with Kuromaru, and he's _three times_ her size. How…"

"I don't know, I'm not a Yamanaka. But, considering her scarring, I'm guessing she's an escaped slave. She was extremely skittish, kept expecting me to punish her for the most inane things. And she doesn't seem to understand how to interact normally within society, either. Perhaps whoever owned her used her fear to control her, for whatever abilities she has. Given her accent, style of dress, and a few other quirks, I think she's from the Land of Earth or beyond. These are all just guesses, of course. I'd need more time to understand her."

Stopping mid stride, Tsume looked thoughtful. Then she began to grin. It was the grin Hana hated and feared more than any other. Whatever came out of her mouth next was going to lead to pain and humiliation. Likely Hana's.

"Well, if time is all you need, I think that can be arranged."

The predatory look Tsume had wasn't quite aimed Hana's way, but still. "Mother, what are you planning?" Better safe than sorry.

"If the girl is as good as you say, I see no problem offering her a job here. She'd fit in fine, I bet."

"Shouldn't we report this to the Hokage first?" Hana prodded.

Tsume waved her hand. "Report what? That some strange girl is going around rescuing kittens and puppies? Don't be ridiculous. If there _is_ anything strange about her, we can always deal with it later. And if, while she's here, she should happen across some Inuzuka stud that catches her eye, well, problem solved."

" _Mother_!" The sly look in Tsume's eye told Hana all she needed to know. Pain and humiliation. And Hana would be the one to deal with it while her mother looked on, laughing about what great training it was and how lucky Hana was to have such a wonderful teacher.

"Alright! I've decided. Let's go grab her and tell her the news. Kuromaru, let's … Kuromaru?" Looking around the room, they found that he had disappeared. "Where the hell? Maybe he followed the girl. He probably noticed the scent first."

Leaving the room, they found his scent led directly to the kennels. Normally fairly noisy during the day, as the recuperating animals had little to do other than gossip, now it was suspiciously quiet. Giving each other an apprehensive look, they opened the door. What they found within was not what they expected.

Kuromaru was indeed inside, looking rather amused, along with what they were assuming was Ranma. Both were situated near the back of the room at a table, with the puppy sitting on Ranma's head.

"Ruff! Ruff ruff!" He didn't seem happy.

Ninja companions were among the most intelligent animals one could find, and the Inuzuka were proud to have some of the best trained in all the elemental countries. What that meant though, was that a simple cage held them only because they didn't want out.

The Inuzuka training was clearly evident, as every cage in the kennels was wide open, and they were all curled up contentedly on and around the figure in the seat. Birds, dogs, snakes, cats…

Oh crap. "Ranma? Are you alright?" Hana really hoped she hadn't passed out.

"I didn't do it! It ain't my fault, I swear! I just sat down and next thing I know I'm bein' swarmed!"

"Ah, it's okay Ranma, no-one's blaming you. Just, can you see?"

"Not really."

Well that was something at least. "Just keep your eyes closed while we … deal with the squirrels."

"Squirrels? Why—oh. Right. Heh heheh. N-no p-problem."

It seemed her delusion wasn't really as deep as it first appeared. Good for Ranma's overall mental health. Not so good for their current situation.

Tsume was torn between laughing her guts out and spewing fire at the insubordination. "All right you lot, you've had your fun. Get back in your kennels. Now."

Reluctantly, they started stirring, but several looked like they were considering ignoring her orders.

"I swear, I will round up _every_ two year old in the fucking village and throw you to them, no questions asked. If you don't want to spend the next _six months_ as part of Konoha's newest petting zoo you'll get your fucking asses in gear, _now_!" That convinced them. One mad scramble later and Ranma was left unmolested.

"Ugh, this is why I can't stand animals."

"Really? You seem to have a way with them to me."

Ranma glared at Tsume. "The only reason they weren't tryin' to eat me was 'cause they're trained. An' I'm pretty sure most a' those licks weren't 'cause they wanted to be friends."

Kuromaru started sniggering and Tsume followed. They looked like they thought this was going to be guaranteed amusement.

"Look, I didn't mean to spend all this time here. I just wanted to get Mao home and make sure Risu-chan would have someone ta take care of her."

Tsume took the lead. "About that. There might be a problem."

Ranma's shoulders slumped. "A' course. Waddaya want?"

It was almost as if Ranma had expected this. Hana could see the wheels turning in her mother's head, caution somehow winning this time. "Not so much want. The pup there is supposed to be named Atomaru, not Mao. Why did you change it?"

"Hey! I didn't change nothin'! He told me he didn't have a name, an' I didn't want to keep callin' 'im mutt. 'Sides, _I_ wanted to name 'im Longma, he's the one that wanted Mao."

Tsume made a pretense of pursing her lips, as if in thought. "The problem is that naming a ninken is a very important part of their training. As ninja, we need to know where loyalties lie. Interfering puts us in a difficult position, and it endangers Atomaru's future as well. If he's imprinted on you, he'll follow you to the ends of the world."

Hana started. What? That was bullshit! What in the world was her mother doing?

"There is one chance. If we can get his mother to accept him back, we might be able to recondition him."

Aneko was one of the most protective of the dams they kept. There was no way she'd let the puppy out of her sight again unless it was Tsume herself that took him. This was what Tsume was betting on?

Ranma seemed to think the proposition was easily accomplished as well. "That all? Alright Mao, let's go see your mother."

"She's right through that door."

As Ranma let Mao lead her, Hana spoke quietly to her mother. "What are you thinking? Aneko won't—"

"Aneko will do what's best for her pup. If that's Ranma, she'll be the best judge. And even if she doesn't accept the girl, I can always guilt her into working a few shifts around here for all the 'trouble' she's caused. Heh."

Hana just shook her head. "That's evil."

"That's your mother. Heheh."

Hana turned to Kuromaru. "What do you think of all this?"

The ninken voiced a rumble in thought, then spoke. "Tsume's right. Let's see what Aneko has to say. Besides, the girl is interesting."

When both her mother and Kuromaru found something 'interesting', it usually meant giant explosions.

"Alright, this your mother?"

"Ruff!"

Aneko, a curly haired sheepdog breed, was one of the largest dogs they had. She was curled up on a pile of blankets inside a massive cage, the rest of her litter tucked up beside her. Upon seeing her lost pup, she immediately jerked her massive head up, but paused before greeting him. Instead, she carefully studied the two in front of her.

Picking Mao up, Ranma held him out to the older dog. "I found this in an alley, so I'm returnin' him, 'kay?"

For a moment, Aneko simply met Ranma's gaze. Then, abruptly, she huffed and turned her head, dismissing them.

"What the hell d'ya mean you don't want 'im!?" Ranma stood on tiptoes, raising her head to eye level, and grabbed the cage.

"Growf!"

"There ain't nothin' wrong with 'im you—"

"Growf gruff!"

Ranma reeled back. " _Me_!? Listen here you mangy fur ball, all I did was find 'im an' drag 'im back! That's it! If he ran away, it's cuz you suck at looking aft—"

"Growf gruff gr-rowf. Grrow."

"You take that back! He'll be the best damn tracker you ever seen! I'll make sure of it!"

"Gruff."

"W-what? Okay? Waddaya mean okay!?"

"Gruff." At that, Aneko leaned forward to where Mao was pressing against the cage and gave his nose a lick. "Growf."

"Ruff!"

For a moment, Ranma sat there, stunned. "You tricked me? You tricked me! God dammit!" Falling back, she gazed helplessly at Tsume, then heaved a sigh. "Dammit… Feh, I guess that means I'm stuck with him. Now what?"

Tsume pretended to look thoughtful. "Well, there are a few things we can do. We can't just let clan secrets get away from us. The easiest thing would be—"

"I ain't marryin' anybody. Forget it."

"What?"

Even Hana knew Tsume hadn't any intention of bringing that up yet. How had she…

"Just sayin'. You got the same look in your eye pops used to have. Right before he'd sell me to somebody."

That was an unpleasant revelation. It also confirmed what Hana had picked up on before. Hana gave her mother a hard look.

Tsume may have been tough, but she wasn't heartless. "Actually, I was thinking of hiring you here. You did a pretty good job on the—on the squirrel, and we always need more help than we can get. That way we can keep an eye on each other, make sure everybody is doing what they need to. Ninken need a lot of specialized care and instruction, which we know how to give. I'll even pay you if you do a good job."

Ranma was still suspicious, but she gave the offer consideration. "So, wait, in exchange for takin' care a' Mao, you're gonna give me a job? That … ain't bad I guess, but you saw before. Things don't go easy when you put me in the same room as animals. I don't wanna get blamed for it."

"Don't worry," Tsume said, trying to mollify the girl, "you'll always be working with someone. Hana here takes shifts when she isn't at the hospital or on missions."

Hana hardened her glare. Technically, she was on loan to the hospital from the Inuzuka, and they had the right to call her back short of an emergency. Apparently, Tsume expected Hana to help in her crazy human breeding program. This had better be worth it.

"Waddaya want me to do, anyway? Clean? I ain't never worked at a vets before."

Tsume grinned, obviously thinking she had victory within hand. "Why don't you come by tomorrow. Hana's working a shift that morning, so she can show you the ropes."

No, she did not have a shift tomorrow. Sighing, Hana gave in to the inevitable. If she was going to be trapped here for the foreseeable future, she might as well try to unravel the mystery she'd unwittingly stumbled over. "You seem to know your way around a broken leg. Maybe you could tell me about any medical experience you have?"

"Eh? Experience?" Ranma fiddled with her pigtail, something that increasingly seemed like a nervous tic. "Well … I ain't no doctor or nothin', but I'm pretty used to dealing with stuff on the road. Lessee, been burned plenty a' times. Mauled by wolves n' bears more'n I like to remember. Poison of course, but I ain't real familiar with the ones 'round here yet. And, uh, whatsit called. When you ain't eaten anything for a while?

"Malnutrition?"

"Right, that. Oh, and I've had pretty much every bone in my body broken before. Does any a' that count?"

Every… "Wait, every bone? Your spine?"

Ranma nodded, as if she hadn't just blown Hana's mind. "Yeah, that one can be a pain in the ass to deal with. It usually heals a lot faster, though."

Spinal injuries were more than a 'pain in the ass'; they were deadly wounds that even most ninja never recovered from. Only the most skilled of medical nin such as Lady Tsunade herself could claim more successes than failures. "How—" Hana nibbled her lip, thinking furiously. "Could you apply any of this knowledge to treating others? Like with Risu's wound?"

Ranma thought that over. "Maybe? I told ya, I ain't a doctor. Risu just had a little broken leg. No poison or nothin'. All I had to do was poke 'em back inta place."

"Poke—" Had Hana encountered an injury like this in surgery, she likely would have at least considered amputation, especially if the bones didn't show signs of healing properly afterward. And Ranma had just… poked them back together? As if it was nothing?

The more Hana learned, the more sure she was of her initial assessment. This girl had to have a bloodline of some sort. If they could train her… "How about this, we have several books on medicine we can lend you. Why don't I give you one to start with tonight, and you can skim through it. Since I'm here so much," She leveled a disgruntled look at her mother. "I can answer any questions you have."

Ranma suddenly looked suspicious again. "Are you sure ya ain't tryin' to marry me off?"

Tsume barked a laugh and slapped Ranma's back, sending her sprawling. "Hah! What an imagination! Relax kid, we don't bite."

"Ugh." Giving Ranma a hand up, Hana made to distance herself from her mother's crazy scheme. "I can honestly say that _I_ have no intention of forcing you to do anything you don't want. Including that."

Tsume was frowning at her now. Well, too bad. Training up Ranma's obvious potential was one thing, but Hana would be damned before she gave up such an innocent to the wolves. In fact, "Tell you what, if anyone tries anything, just get me and I'll make them leave you alone, okay?" That seemed to put Ranma more at ease.

"I guess it couldn't hurt to have some more money. Okay, deal. I'll show up first thing tomorrow."

"Right then. Let's just get you that book and you can be on your way."

Ranma shrugged. "Works for me."

As Hana led them out of the room, Ranma's stomach rumbled. That seemed to remind her of something. "Say, me an' Mao was supposed to meet with this lady for supper, but she forgot to tell me where she lived. Neither a' you would know somebody goin' by the name of Madame Shijimi, would ya?"

The sound of the two ninja hitting the floor face first startled her out of her musings.

"Jeez, ya coulda' just said no."

.

.

.

~o0{O}0o~

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.

.

Fire. She was going to burn up from the inside.

Once again, Sakura Haruno was alone in her room, lying on her bed. This time, though, there was nothing to celebrate. Whatever Miss Saotome had done, it had definitely taken effect. Sakura couldn't survive like this. But the only alternative was…

" _Argh!_ There _has_ to be something I can do. Alright, _think_ Sakura. This huge forehead has to be useful for something. There's no way I can last long like this. But the only way Miss Saotome will help is if I… Okay, put it in order. I need Miss Saotome to fix this. Miss Saotome wants me to let Naruto take my place. Naruto couldn't act like me to save his life. There's no way I can con someone like Miss Saotome, and I won't make it past a week before I'm totally crippled. That leaves Naruto as the weak link. How do I get him to do what I tell him to?"

Sakura thought on it for a several minutes, dismissing ideas almost as soon as she considered them. Maybe some positive reinforcement? Give him something he wanted, then use it as leverage to force some kunoichi training on him, perhaps. Naruto clearly had a crush on her, but, "There's no way I'm dating him."

No, she was going about this wrong. What would Miss Saotome do if she needed Naruto's attention?

Suddenly, it came to her. It was so obvious, why hadn't she thought of it before? "Heh heheheh ha hahahha!" Sakura couldn't help it. Her giggles took on a maniacal glee as she began planning out Naruto's surprise training regimen for the next few days.


	5. Chapter 5

_A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do._

—Bob Dylan

Chapter Five

What You Want

day 1 – deer diary i stil dont see wy i hav to rite in this stupid thing. sak- sasuke sez i hav to do that thing sensei told us to do if i dont pretend to be a gurl she sez shes gonna do sum thin looked it up it sez acting with force o e. sak- sasuke shur can be violent sum times. now i hav to study this book on gurly stuff i dont think i can do it. staying at sak- um my house is weerd. mom is nice tho. well anyway i hav a gurlfrend now! i asked hinata and she sed yes! now maybe i can work on turning into a boy agane. oh butt (heh heh) gramps and kakashi figerd out that i wuz a gurl sorta.

…

"Naruto."

"Yeah gramps?"

Sarutobi sighed. "What happened to your hair?"

"Oh, that? That was teach's fault. Isn't it cool?"

"…"

"…"

…

wel maybe not butt it was clos if i dont turn back into a guy agane soon ile go crazy! we got our first mishun today it was lame. we had to dig up weeds from this old womans garden boring! Whatever ile get sum cool mishuns soon and then every body wil see im the gretest ever! i gess ile go to bed now um goodnite I gess

day 2 – uh oh i forgot to study the stuff sasuke sed i had to he sez if i dont no it by tomorow hell do sum thing to make m it. i gess i gotta do it. we got a lame mishun agane today. sasuke and um naruto (weerd) didint mind tho they lookt awful today. maybe theyr coming down with sumthing. i went out with hinata today shes weerd sumtimes she keeps turning red and pasing out for sum reeson maybe shes getting sick to i hope i dont cach it. sins we started doing that henge thing last night nobody looks at me anymore! gramps and kakashi thought it was weerd tho

…

"Naruto?"

"Yeah gramps?" This time the response came from an unexpected source.

Sarutobi found himself sighing again that day. "When I told you to change your hair, this is not what I meant."

"You mean this? This is teach's ide-oof! What was that for Sak—Sasuke?"

"…"

"…"

…

we told them it was for traning butt kakashi kept calling us weerdos. anyway ime tired now so I gess ile say goodnite.

day 3 –

"Hey old man."

"Ah, hey there little lady. Aren't you one of Naruto's friends?"

"What? Oh, right. Yeah, that's me. Sakura. My name. Heh.

"…"

"Anyway, I want a pork ramen please."

"Coming right up… Here you go."

"Alright!" Snap. Reach. Bite. "Aaaaargh!" Spit, Spit, Spit.

"What is it!"

"It tastes awful!"

"What? Let me see that." Sip. "Ugh. I'm sorry miss. I don't know what happened. Here. Have another, on the house."

"Really? Thanks. You're great!" Snap. Reach. Bite. Hissss.

"Uh. Is it supposed to make that sou—" _**Kraboooooooom**_!

…

aaaaaaah! its horubl! i went to get a ramen cuz I was hungry and i bought one but sasuke took a bunch of peper and suger and salt and i coodnt eet it so i got more but then he took a bunch of tags and put them in my ramen and i coodnt get them out and they exploded AND IT WAS _**RUINED**_! i dint no the stuff i was suposed to no and sasuke was mad and sez i wont get any more until i no the stuff i hav to no i askt mom if i cood hav sum but she sed i sed i was on a diut but i didnt say that but she sed i sed i wood say that but that i sed i wasnt alowd to hav any no matter how much i asked and wat am i gonna do i dont no! wy does everybody got to pick on my favrit food like that its not fare! i think your my only friend maybe cuz you lisen. you no I shood giv you a name to. . . . . . i think ile call you kits cuz of the fox i drew on your cover. I gotta go study now kits so ile talk to you tomorow.

day 4 – aw man kits i still cant get any ramen sasuke is a reel jerk. ime starting to feel weerd to maybe ime coming down with sumthing like sasuke and naruto. is this wat hapens wen you dont eet ramen? ive never not eeten ramen before for so long. sasuke sed ime a freek cuz it took so long. she sed its like ime going thro s. I just looked it up it sez th (a bunch of stuff that makes sumthing) of often painfu an (thinking stuff) (just syndrome spelled different cuz i gess there jerks) that follow (stopping sumthing geez this is a pain) of an addictin e. no! i dont want withdrawals! i just want to eet ramen agane! i dont no wat to do kits. maybe ile feel beter tomorow. nitenite kits.

day 5 – to sick gonna sleep

day 6 – oh man kits i feel teribl. sorry i missed you. gramps made us stop taking mishuns yesterday cuz we wernt feeling well.

…

"Kakashi?"

"Yes, Hokage?"

" _What_ is wrong with your students?"

"My students? Hmm… They're sick with something."

"…All three."

"Yes, Hokage."

"At once."

"Yes, Hokage."

"…Perhaps we should discuss your teaching methods later, Kakashi."

Sigh. "Yes, Hokage."

…

i feel like sumone set my stomak on fire. mom has been reely nice tho she keeps giving me soop its not ramen butt its still good. sasuke made me practis all day tho. were suposed to meet later so we can find teech. i gess they reely want to trane. i was just stoping to say hi in case i died before i got back. i think maybe i can sneek around sasuke and get sum ramen wen he isnt looking. i just gotta find him first. Gotta go later kits.

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~o0{O}0o~

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The smells wafting from the Ichiraku Ramen Bar were pleasant enough to bring a smile and warm feelings to anyone passing by. A true aficionado of the dish couldn't help but stop for a helping. To a young genin suffering from self diagnosed ramen withdrawals, however, it was a hellish torment.

Slouching against a wall, a pink haired girl with a weary face stood in shadows underneath the awnings across from Ichiraku. Slowly raking her eyes across the busy streets, she would occasionally fixate on the bar for a few somehow desperate minutes, before returning to her watchful slouch. She stayed like that for quite some time, each pass over the streets becoming shorter, each yearning look toward the bar lasting longer, until finally her gaze lay unblinking on it.

"Um, S-Sakura? Are—are you okay? Do you, would you like me to do something?"

Starting from his absorption, Naruto turned to find Hinata standing with a rather worried look on her face. "Oh. Hey, Hinata. Na—No. I'm fine." Watching and correcting his speech all day was annoying, but so far the alternative was worse. Sakura had begun threatening to go beyond ruining his ramen to actually buying and eating it while he was forced to watch.

"Oh." Hinata shuffled her feet a bit, looking slightly forlorn.

Had he done something wrong again? She asked if he was okay and he said—wait, no. She asked if she could do something. How did Sakura's rants go again? Girls like to do stuff for guys 'cause it makes them feel good and stuff? That still seemed weird, but maybe things were just supposed to work differently when you dated. Besides, he needed all the help he could get.

"Um, maybe I could use some help?" Hinata seemed to perk up. Huh. "Well, you remember about," Naruto looked about, then leaned forward. "you know, the henge training we're doing."

Hinata nodded, and again thanked her stars that the Sakura henge Naruto was using allowed her some small measure of coherency around him. He was every bit as much fun as she had imagined. Naruto's sensei may have been uncommonly cruel, but there were certain side benefits, not the least of which was…

Naruto barely noticed Hinata's face turn red. While it had concerned him at first, he'd quickly learned it was just the way she was. "Sasuke still won't let me eat any ramen. I'm trying to figure out where he's hiding so I can sneak past him. Maybe you could help me find him?"

"D-do you mean, that Sasuke..?" Hinata pointed down the street, behind Naruto.

Sure enough, as Naruto turned, he saw Sakura, Sasuke illusion in place, painfully making her way down the street towards the bar. From the way her head was angled, she clearly had noticed them.

"Or that Sasuke?" Again she pointed, this time at the stools at Ichiraku, where a blond figure was perched atop one.

"H-how the hell did I miss that!?" Naruto's earlier gusto, already flagging, completely deflated, leaving him slumped in a defeated pose.

Hinata giggled at his overblown antics. "Um, m-maybe you were distracted by something else? Yuhi sensei says you have to—to always keep your mind focused on your mission. What were you thinking about?"

Naruto's stomach chose then to interject itself into the conversation, causing him to sheepishly rub his head and Hinata to clasp her mouth with both hands to keep from giggling too loudly. "Aw man, but that means I can't sneak any ramen now."

"Ah, maybe…" Hinata paused, her natural reticence coming forth once more.

"Yeah?"

"Well, m-maybe I could… Sakura wants you to pretend to be h-her?"

Naruto winced. "I wouldn't say she wants me to. But we gotta anyway."

Absently, Hinata corrected, "But we have to."

"Eh? What?"

"Eep! Ah, n-never mind. I—I could have an idea, um, if you want me to that i—"

" _Yes!_ I'll do anything!" Naruto wasn't one for halves.

"O-okay. Um, just wait here. I'll go see."

"Go see what?"

But Hinata was already on her way, a determined look on her face. Naruto watched as she intercepted Sakura a little ways from Ichiraku's and proceeded to say … something. Whatever it was, it seemed to annoy Sakura who tried to brush the other girl off. Before she could, Hinata said something else which caused her to pause. A few more exchanges and she finally shrugged and nodded, then continued towards a seat. Hinata returned, a triumphant smile on her face.

"What was that all about?"

Immediately, Hinata's smile turned shy. "Mm, w-well, I asked Sasuke if—if he would let you eat ramen." Naruto's eyes turned round. "He said he wouldn't. But! B-but," Hinata hastened to correct her mistake; Naruto looked so forlorn. "if you had, um, help, in pretending I mean, it would be okay."

Naruto gave her a hopeless look. "Help? Where am I gonna find that?"

Hinata fidgeted, playing with her fingers as she looked down. "Um, well, I … I wouldn't mind." Before she knew it, she'd been grabbed by the shoulders and was looking deep into eyes that briefly flashed blue before returning to a green hue.

"Really?" Naruto's question came out in a squeak.

Hinata could only nod, lest her answer come out the same way.

"You're gonna help me turn back into a guy _and_ get ramen? You're the best girlfriend ever! Way better than Sakura!"

A week of near constant exposure to Naruto's outbursts was the only thing keeping her from fainting when he enveloped her in a hug. "Y-you're welcome?"

"Yeah! This calls for a celebration. C'mon 'Nata, I'll treat you. Plus, I gotta make that bastard fix my hair."

"Need t-to. You—you mean you need to talk to Sasuke." At her correction, Sakura's face broke out into a wide, sunny smile, a look that was quickly becoming Hinata's favorite, no matter who was wearing it.

"Exactly. Hey, since we're gonna—" Hinata winced. "'going to be' busy, why don't we go home so you can show me stuff?"

"I—I can k-keep you company. I don't, um, mind. B-but, what about your friends?"

"No no, that's what the shadow clones are for! You've figured it out right?"

"Y-yes, b-but I can't use it. It—it takes too much chakra and, and—"

"Don't worry about that. You'll use mine. Here." Naruto placed both hands on what she knew to be major concentrations of tenketsu on her back.

"Your-yours? But what about-" Before she could finish, an intense wave of heat began to flood her system, nearly causing her to fall over. It felt terrible and wonderful at the same time. For a short moment, she was connected to Naruto's chakra.

An ocean! It was so much! How could one person have so much? Quickly, it flooded her system to capacity, then kept on going. She was going to burst. "A-ah! N-Naruto, stop!"

Immediately he took his hands off and watched, agape, as she began hopping and dancing around as if she had been possessed.

Hinata knew it was just a small amount of what Naruto had available, but what she'd received was enough to more than double her own reserves. If she didn't use it soon, it would rupture her pathways. Was this how Naruto always felt? No _wonder_ he was so … so _hyper_.

Quickly running through the seals Naruto had taught her, she shoved as much chakra as she possibly could into the jutsu and released. With a dramatic puff of smoke, there before her was an exact duplicate. Hinata stared in shock before staggering a bit, her chakra levels a good deal lower than they should have been.

Leaping forward, Naruto grabbed her, concern welling up. "Aw man, I didn't know it would do that. You okay Hinata?"

"I-I'm fine." The response in duplicate caused all three to blink.

"Uh, right. Two of you. Okay! Now it's my turn!" Wasting no time, Naruto immediately created a Sakura clone.

Right away the clone began glaring. "Hey! How come you two get to eat ramen and we have to study?"

"Because we're the real ones you idiot!"

The clone took that with about as much grace as could be expected, but then her sullen look became sly. "Hah! Come on Hinata, we've got better things to do, and I know just the thing."

"Oy, you better not slack off!"

The clone's only reply was a protruding tongue and a slap on her butt before it grabbed the Hinata clone's hand and took off.

"Jeez, stupid clones sure have been acting weird. Ah well, I'll figure it out later. And hey, now we get to spend twice as much time together! That's great!"

" _T-twice_?" Hinata wasn't sure she could handle that much exposure, henge or no.

"Yeah, bet we'll learn all sorts of new things. Our clones knows everything we do so we can teach each other even when we're busy. Come on, we're wasting time. I'm starving."

"Ah, o-okay." Hinata still wasn't quite up on exactly how the shadow clone technique worked, but she trusted Naruto.

As Naruto rushed them toward his waiting meal, he had one last thought. "But man, Hinata. I didn't know you could dance like that."

"Eep!"

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~o0(O)0o~

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For the fifth time in the past few days, Sasuke found herself sitting on a stool at Ichiraku's, cogitating on her situation.

The past week had been miserable, betrayed by her body as she had been. Muscles screaming. Chakra overflowing, demanding to be used at all hours. Bloodshot, sleep deprived eyes belying her otherwise perfect Naruto henge. Now that she had finally managed to master her Sharingan with its two tomoe she actually found it more troublesome to turn off. She had to wear sunglasses just to keep from breaking the illusion.

It hadn't helped that nearly every adult she'd run into while under the illusion had been hostile to some degree. It was bizarre to know that Naruto was just that annoying. And now she couldn't even rely on missions, no matter how inane, to take her mind off her troubles.

Sasuke briefly allowed herself to be distracted as Sakura sat next to her, giving the girl a nod before returning to her thoughts.

While she had been masquerading as Naruto all week, it hadn't been until their forced sick leave that she started taking her pretense more seriously. It turned out Naruto's persona was simple enough to distill: pranks; idiocy; volume; ramen.

The first two weren't happening, even if she had known where to start. Naruto would just have to suffer an improved reputation. Increasing her volume had meant a simple jutsu. No problem. That left one thing. Ramen.

It was in pursuit of this final … virtue that Sasuke stumbled upon the highlight of her week and, if she was honest, the last several years.

"Here you go Naruto. Now, you eat all of this okay? Papa and I can't have our favorite customer ill. We'd never forgive ourselves." Ayame, the daughter of and waitress for the proprietor of Ichiraku's, fussed over the young nin as Sasuke accepted the meal with thanks. She managed to pull her illusion's face into a wide grin, but couldn't dredge up the will to fake Naruto's vociferations as well. Still, underneath she couldn't but help a small smile.

Sasuke was about as certain as she could be that Ayame and her father knew her team had switched places with each other. How could they not with Naruto and Sakura carrying on like they did? Somehow though, she couldn't bring herself to drop her own act and dissuade the older girl from continuing her ministrations. It was … nice to have someone care for her again. Besides, the ramen was excellent.

"Oh my!"

Sasuke halted her musings to see Ayame looking over her shoulder. Turning around, she found Naruto, his new girlfriend in tow, looking like death warmed over through his henge. _Finally_. Sasuke grumbled to herself at the unfairness of life. Naruto's ridiculous stamina had to be a bloodline of some sort. No-one was that resilient otherwise. Still, that half crazed look didn't bode well.

Ayame gave Naruto a concerned look. "Oh you poor dear. You look terrible. Is your teacher still making you do that awful training? I can't believe how hard they make you work."

"Now now, Ayame," Teuchi chose then to break in. "That's just how ninja life is. No need to discourage her."

"But father, ruining good food, our food, just for training? That's barbaric!" Sakura was looking uncomfortable.

"Hah, you've got me there. Still, ninja life is perilous. What do you say little lady? Feel like trying your luck again today?"

Naruto's response was immediate. "Yes! I mean, yes please. A pork ramen." The twin glares from his teammates plus the stuttering fit from behind him assured Naruto in no uncertain terms that he had little room for error.

Teuchi at least seemed pleased with her answer. "Good enthusiasm! You're quickly becoming our second best customer."

"After Naruto of course." Ayame gave Sasuke a small smile, which she returned.

Relaxing her tense and achy muscles, Sasuke went back to ignoring the goings on around her for her meal. Setting about demolishing it in as similar a manner to Naruto as she could tolerate, she thought further on her team's situation.

Naruto and Sakura had at least been making the effort to follow Ranma's directions, no matter how pathetic the former's was… Perhaps that was unfair. The dumbass had proven to be clever when he put his mind to it. And pretending to be Sakura was clearly a nightmare. Sasuke's only directive to Sakura had been to stop talking, whereas Naruto had to deal with aping a lovesick harpy. Still better than having to mimic a clueless moron but—

Sasuke shuddered, then gave a wan smile in response to Ayame's worried inquiries. Okay, perhaps her job wasn't nearly as bad. Or as funny. Watching Naruto deal with his predicament had been amusing. Oddly relaxing as well.

Another plus was Sakura's attention had been driven completely off herself, and the henge made it unlikely to return anytime soon. A boon she wouldn't be taking for granted.

It was then Sasuke heard the only other voice that could make her cringe in annoyance.

"Sa-suke~!"

Ino. While not normally as bad as her counterpart, the reprieve from fan-girls had been too nice to have to give it up so soon. Knowing that Ino was far more grabby than Sakura, Sasuke braced herself—

 _Whumph!_

And watched, flabbergasted, as a blonde streak collided with Sakura.

Ah. Right. Henge. It was all she could do not to burst out laughing as the dumbfounded look on Sakura's face twisted into one of pure horror.

As Sakura opened her mouth to protest, Sasuke knew the girl was about to mess everything up. Couldn't have that happening.

"Get off me Ino p-ah!"

A chopstick bounced off her forehead and skittered across the ground before coming to rest back at Sasuke's feet. That should take care of that problem.

"Naruto! Eat like a human being you idiot! What if you'd put someone's eye out?"

Ino was clearly incensed at her. That was new. While normally being insulted would leave Sasuke seething, this development was strangely refreshing.

Ino turned back to Sakura. It was then she noticed her state through the illusion. "Oh my god! Sasuke! What happened to you? You—are you alright? Your eyes are—and your body feels a little different somehow."

Having gotten the message, Sakura responded in as similar a manner to Sasuke as she could. "Hnn. It's fine. Leave it."

She sounded almost as annoyed as Sasuke would have been. Having her body mistaken for a boy's, no matter if that was the point, was apparently not something she wanted to hear.

Ino, however, wasn't going to listen to Sakura's gruff dismissal. "No, it isn't fine. How in the world could you let Sasuke get in this state Sakura? What is wrong with you?"

Naruto, for his part, looked completely clueless. "Heh?"

"It's your job as his teammate to look after him and—holy… What—You look terrible! Are you…" She nibbled her lip, then leaned forward and whispered, "on your period?"

"Period?" Naruto said. "You mean my grammar homework?"

Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, Hinata tumbled from her seat. With alacrity that took Ino completely off guard, Naruto leaped forward and grabbed the falling girl before she hit the ground. "Are you okay? Geez, you're a lot clumsier today for some reason."

Ino suddenly turned indignant. "Honestly. You're fine aren't you? Is this some desperate ploy to get Sasuke to pity you? Because it's so far beneath him it's pathetic. And why are you hanging onto Hinata like that?"

Perhaps relieved to have a question he could understand, Naruto answered honestly. "Hinata? She's my girlfriend, of course." Perhaps too honestly.

For a moment there was silence. Then, "Oh my! Ninja these days are so, _modern."_

 _"_ S-Sakura…" It was far too late for Hinata to save Naruto. She had barely been hanging onto consciousness as it was.

"Yeah? Yes? Did I … say something wrong?"

It was too late. Hinata was out. Her realization combined with being 'outed' was simply too much for her.

Taking a moment to consider the new wrinkle in the plan, Sakura drew in a long breath. Then her face turned purple.

At that point Sasuke hunched over her meal, her shoulders shaking. Ayame rushed over to make sure she was okay.

Best day ever.

…

Ino, for her part, was reeling, her mind feverishly trying to make sense of it all. A … a girlfriend? How could that happen? What was Sakura thinking? Was she thinking?

Finally, glancing over at Sasuke and seeing the fiercest scowl she'd ever seen on his face, she came to the only possible explanation. An explanation that could only be … only be the most devious thing she'd ever heard! How could Sakura do this? Using poor Hinata like that to play with Sasuke's feelings!

More importantly, how was Ino to catch up?

There was only one thing to do. Use what she'd learned and _lie_."I—I have a girlfriend too!" That brought everyone up short. At their incredulous stares, Ino rushed to defend herself. "I do! Her—her name is Ranma!"

"Hbttt-krkrkrkre hwa-?"

Jerking their heads towards the strangled cry, they found a familiar red head choking on her ramen. Ranma. She was staring back at them with a look of disbelief.

Their own reactions were equally unbelieving. Ino turned bright red and Sakura and Naruto looked on in shock, speechless. Sasuke on the other hand simply grit her teeth, all traces of humor gone.

 _No!_ That was the only thought going through Ino's head. "I… I… Please excuse me!" Her face flaming, eyes tearing, she ran off.

"Hey, wait! What was … ah crap." Now Ranma was doubly flummoxed. Slowly, she turned back to her bewildered students.

Silence.

"M-Miss Saotome?"

"…S-o, how you guys been?"

"Miss Saotome!"

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~o0{O}0o~

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Deep in the forest of training ground forty-four, four figures dashed through the trees.

"Miss Saotome, where are we going? We're not … we're not going back _there_ are we?" The possible answer to that seemed to make even Naruto and Sasuke uncomfortable.

Ranma rolled her eyes at their, to her mind, utterly silly fear. "Nah." For a moment they relaxed. "We're going in further." Apparently, that was not what they wanted to hear. Better explain things then.

"Why do you think there's this huge forest with so many freaky monsters right next to your normal little town?"

The question left them confused for a moment. Then the wheels behind their eyes obviously began to turn. Suddenly, Naruto piped up. "I know! Gramps is too lazy to clean up after himself!"

Naruto's answer nearly had the others careening into trees. " _Idiot_." Sasuke was especially peeved. "That's not what it is." For a moment, it almost looked like she had considered it.

"Ah, right." Perhaps Ranma would have to do something about Naruto's tendency to come to bizarre conclusions. A talk or something.

"Training."

"Hmm?" Ranma turned to Sakura.

"It's used for training isn't it? For chuunin probably."

"That's pretty close. They use it for genin who want to become chuunin. Twice a year they give you guys an exam. If you pass, you get promoted. Part a' the test is held here. An' here's where we're gonna train till ya know the place like the back a' your hand. And here we are."

Stopping, they looked around to find themselves at the banks of a stream. Several rocks jutted out, making a path across. Other than that, there was nothing to set it apart.

Frankly, Sakura didn't care about her surroundings, ninja training be damned. What she wanted to know was where the _hell_ their sensei had been the past—was that a puppy? Poking out from their teacher's jacket? "What—what is that?"

"Huh? Oh, you mean Mao? He's a ninken. Don't worry. He's a friend."

That was _not_ what concerned her. "You're stealing ninja companions now?" Sakura was halfway to crying.

Ranma took exception to her accusation. "Dammit, that ain't what happened! They forced me ta take 'im. I didn't have a choice! They even conned me inta working this job playing nurse to a bunch a' ungrateful mutts. 'Sides, it ain't like you've been taking my training seriously till just a couple days ago. What have you even learned?" Saotome Secret Technique: Verbal Riposte!

Uzumaki Triple Counter! "Hey! What are we supposed to learn from you hiding all the time!?"

Sasuke chose then to break in. "Enough. Focusing too much on one sense can leave you blind and vulnerable."

They all paused to consider that, Ranma especially. "Huh. Yeah, I guess that works." Probably best not to mention that she had just been hungry and stopped for a quick bite. Ranma had barely even noticed them until her name had been called. And now they were glaring at her. Crap. "Said that out loud didn't I?" A small bark answered in the affirmative.

"Miss Saotome!"

Heaving a sigh, Sasuke made to calm her incensed comrades. "It doesn't matter."

"But Sasuke, she's being totally irresponsible," Sakura complained.

"Whining won't change anything. We've done what she's asked. Now it's time to get what was promised. Correct?"

Ranma waved her hand dismissively. "Sure sure. But first we gotta go over some stuff."

Sakura narrowed her eyes. "What 'stuff'?"

"Nothin' much. Just need to check an' see if my ideas worked like I thought they would." Reaching into her pocket, Ranma pulled out a few slips of paper.

Sakura recognized the small slips immediately. "Chakra paper? We already did this test in school. I'm earth, Sasuke is fire and lightning because of his super cool bloodline—"

Perking up at the interesting terms, Naruto interjected, "Hey, hey, what am I?"

"How the hell should I know, you idiot? You probably skipped that day. That's not the point. Other than Naruto, we don't need this."

"Really?" Ranma seemed amused. "I guess since ya don't need me I'll just go th—" Before she could finish, the paper in her hand vanished. She smirked. "Alright then. One at a time. Sas, you go first."

Eyeing it with a look that screamed suspicion, Sasuke channeled a scant amount of chakra into the paper. Instantly it disintegrated in a tower of fire. Dancing back in surprise, she nearly lost control and started cursing. Taking a moment to gather herself, she murmured, "That was … different then last time. Stronger."

Lacking in spirit though she might have been, Sakura couldn't pass an opportunity to fan-girl. "That must mean _you're_ getting stronger, Sasuke. You'll be a jounin in no time at this rate."

Grunting noncommittally, Sasuke turned a curious eye to the paper Sakura was holding.

"Pinky? Your turn."

Scowling, Sakura quickly pumped chakra into it. For a moment, it glowed brightly. Then it, too, burst into flames, though not quite as spectacularly. "W-what? That—that's impossible. I—I'm earth." She turned on Ranma. "How did you … you can't just switch types like that. It's—" Her eyes widened and she whispered, "Land of … Fire?"

Ranma looked insufferably pleased. "Yep. Your chakra is—"

Bang! Everyone looked up to find Naruto, impatience incarnate, cradling his hand and dancing in pain. No vestiges of a flame could be seen, but it was obvious he had burned himself.

"An' that's what happens when you get air and fire and put 'em together."

Sakura raised her hand. "Miss Saotome, how do you know it was air?"

"Uzumaki clan are always air." At her wondering look, he chided her. "Still ain't figured it out yet? Feh, you had a whole week and you ain't even got that far." Sakura jutted her chin out stubbornly, but Ranma only widened her smirk.

"What the hell was that!" It seemed Naruto had recovered.

"Told ya. Fire and air. Mostly air if I had to guess. Wanted to wait longer, but…" Ranma shrugged. "Eh, whatever. You guys had your natural types, and I just added the extra fire ki. Sucks, right?" She grinned at their indignant expressions.

"Alright!" She clapped her hands together. "Time to get to business. If you guys wanna get rid of your little problem, ya gotta learn about the seven chakra, and I don't mean chakra like you learned in school."

"What do you mean?" Ranma had Sasuke's undivided attention.

"Where I come from, chakra means somethin' different. They're these little whorls of energy in your ki self. 'Round here they call 'em gates, near as I can tell."

Quick as ever, Sakura picked up the essentials. "Wait, gates? The eight gates? I know this. But… you said seven?"

"That's 'cause they are just seven, not eight. The eighth is really just—well, let's go through 'em." Waving Sakura forward, Ranma reached out and touched the top of her head. "This is the crown chakra. You guys call it the open gate. It's where the ki starts ta flow in. Sends it to the muscles and such."

"This is the one I opened up a little, so it's why you're feeling so crappy, but it's also why you've got so much energy. Why you can't sleep as much, but still can do the henge for so long. It ain't open all the way yet, but it's gettin' there."

She moved her hand and tapped Sakura's forehead. "Brow chakra, the healing or energy gate. Also called the third eye. It actually curves out from the crown chakra instead of continuin' on ta the next. This one is important. It'll let ya see natural ki, feel out intentions, do all sorts a' stuff without thinkin' 'bout it. We need to get to this one fast. Faster the better. It'll be the one that lets you control the flow of energy in your body. You'll need ta be able to get around that whole polluted ki thing first though." At their hungry looks Ranma raised her hands. "Which we'll get to in a second here."

She moved on quickly, pointing out each chakra as she said them. "Throat, life gate. Heart, pain gate. Stomach, limit gate. Hips, view gate. Root, wonder gate. Root curves out forward a bit too. That curve on the root and the third eye are important ta remember. This is where the eighth gate, the death gate, comes in."

Turning, Ranma hopped out onto the rocks in the middle of the stream. "Alright, think of it like this. Water flows from the mountains down to the sea, right?" At their nods she continued. "So how does the water get to the top of the mountain?"

As always, Sakura had the answer. "Evaporation, condensation, and precipitation." She paused." Are you saying that the eighth gate is just taking the end of these chakra, the gates, and looping it around?"

Ranma was pleased. "Exactly. The third eye ain't part of the stream, but it pulls the ki from the base back up to the crown. In you the crown and brow chakra was completely closed off, and the others were just squeakin' by. And there wasn't any loop; you're just wasting it. In me, these chakra're open full blast all the time. I've got to use my third eye ta purify the ki, but you three'll hafta do it different till we can wake it up safely. If you were to let that polluted ki circulate… well, they called that gate right. You'd get some pretty good benefits for a bit, then keel over."

Demonstration time. Lifting up a piece of her own chakra paper, Ranma held it out where they could clearly see. "This's what happens when you use just ki." For a moment, the paper glowed a barely noticeable amount. Then it began to shift. Slowly, delicately, wooden tendrils began to emerge from the paper, tentatively stretching about as if searching for something. A bit of mist from the stream hit them and they stilled.

The paper exploded in a flurry of movement. Dozens of tendrils reached down and outward, engulfing Ranma's hand, then her arm. Even before they reached the water they had all but swallowed her.

Diligently, they set about digging down, taking root, forcing the river to split in twain. The trunk, and it was now a trunk, doubled and tripled in size, enormous limbs shooting out, grasping, forcing the genin back.

Like colossal arms they began to gouge great trenches of earth from the banks, heaving them up and around its base until a small island protected it from the water's onslaught. Then it shot upwards, reaching for the sky, branches and foliage growing apace, blocking the sunlight from view.

As suddenly as it started, all was still. In mere moments before their awe stricken eyes, a monstrous tree, easily the match of any other in this godforsaken forest, now stood.

And their teacher was gone.

Before any reaction could take place, they heard a creaking noise coming from within the tree. A crack appeared, followed by a hand bursting forth. The crack rapidly grew to the length of a person, then exploded. Dull shrapnel stung their skin and forced them to cover their eyes. When they looked again there Ranma stood, none the worse for wear.

"Dammit. Forgot that stuff's stronger than the regular plants 'round here. Sorry 'bout that Mao."

"Hnn." Mao chose to jump down, sullenly swimming to shore.

Ranma followed after, leaping across. She began brushing herself off, paying no heed as the damage she'd wrought behind her was quickly healed.

Sakura, her curiosity urging her on, was the first to speak, her voice a whisper. "W-wood release? No. Something … ki?"

Ranma nodded her head. "Pure ki is like pure chakra, but it's a thousand times more potent. It's the life of the whole world you're usin'." She continued dusting herself off as if she hadn't just blown their minds. "It ain't as easy to control and it responds more to your emotions than intelligence. Whatever you feel is gonna have a major impact on how your ki responds. You'll hafta work on emotional control if you want any a' this to work right for ya."

"Wait." The talk of driving techniques with emotions sparked Sakura's memory. "Moko … Moko Takabisha?"

"Yep. Ki fueled by pride. My own invention. The original was … well, it didn't work so well. Still ain't completely perfected it, now that I think about it."

Sakura wasn't completely satisfied. "Wait. That, I'll just call it wood release. You can teach me _that_?" Her eyes were practically sparkling.

Ranma chuckled. "Yeah, sure. I ain't an expert at it or nothin', but I can get you started."

"As interesting as all this is, how does it help us? We can't use this third eye." Awestruck as she had been, Sasuke was impatient with no clear way forward.

"Hmm, near as I can figure, there are three ways of dealin' with it. First is just for me ta keep purifying it for ya. Not too keen on that idea, honestly."

The three nodded their heads. The less time spent with their crazy teacher the better.

Ranma grinned. "Heh, thought so. Second way's your best bet. Making fire chakra means molding it till ya get the right mix. If you just reverse that, you get what ya need."

"Just … just reverse it? How do we do that?" Sakura had to fight incredulity just to get out her question.

Ranma leaned forward. "Not a clue."

"…Miss Saotome, you aren't funny."

Ranma chuckled. "Heh heh, if you say so. But I think we can figure it out. Shouldn't take more'n a few months."

"Months!? No way!"

"Unacceptable."

"Not a chance! Believe it!"

Taking in her students' consternation, Ranma decided it was time to lay the bait. "Well, there is the third way."

The cat'n canary look Ranma sported sent warning bells through their brains, daring them to ask. Whatever the answer was, it would _not_ end well. The three of them looked almost hyper-vigilant. How cute.

Surprisingly, it turned out Sasuke was the first to get over his suspicions. "What does this … third way entail?"

Well, Ranma had no problem explaining. They probably wouldn't bite, otherwise. "After I first got here, I did some poking around, looking for a way home and such. Found all sorts a' interesting things. You know there's a clan here that gets their power by eating till they're fat?" At the glares sent her way, Ranma decided to get to the point. "Anyway, there's this clan with a technique that lets you take your chakra and put it into somebody's head. You can read minds, talk telepathically, even take over another person's body. Real freaky stuff."

This all sounded eerily familiar to Sakura. Hadn't there been a classmate… "Wait a minute. You _stole_ Yamanaka clan secrets?"

"Yep. Why?"

Ranma's nonchalance did nothing to ease Sakura's anxieties. First ninken, now prized techniques? "We're gonna get branded traitors for sure." She slumped to the ground.

"Ah, don't worry so much. You'll be fine."

Sakura didn't seem convinced, but she wasn't saying no, either. "How are we supposed to use these techniques?"

"You're not. I am," Ranma said. They all gave her questioning looks. "Heh, it's simple. I'll gather my ki, focus on how to use the third eye and maybe some other techniques, then use the jutsu on you. It'll probably knock you out, so while you're down I'll open up gate number two. You wake up feeling fresh and ready to go."

"And—and that will work?" Sakura hesitantly asked.

"Eh, maybe."

"Maybe!?"

Ranma frowned. "Using ki to do your tricks with chakra ain't easy. They either don't work, get overblown like your chakra paper, or they warp in funny ways. I've mostly been using it to make sentries fall asleep when I need to get in someplace locked up. Never used it this way, so I can't promise it won't backfire somehow. Still, which'd you rather do, months a' meditatin', or a few hours a' me showin' you how ta do it from inside?" Ranma leaned back against the tree, apparently satisfied with her argument.

"But, b-but…" Sakura looked stricken.

Sasuke, however, had no such compunctions. "I'll do it."

"Sasuk-e." Sakura was definitely whining now.

"You two do what you like," Sasuke said, shrugging off Sakura's fears, "but I'll do it."

Naruto scowled. "Hey you bastard! You won't leave me behind! I'll do it too!" Naruto hadn't completely understood the explanations, but he knew a challenge when he heard one.

"Well Pinky?" Ranma prodded. "You're last one out. What's it gonna be?"

Seeing the hopeful look on Naruto and the expectant ones on Ranma and Sasuke, Sakura knew she had no recourse. "Ugh, this is going to be a disaster. Fine. I'll do it."

"Yes! I knew you'd come around Sakura!" Naruto was back to his normal, happy go lucky self.

The grimace on Sakura's face was ugly enough to give even Naruto pause. "Please. For once listen to me, Naruto. Be. Quiet. Let's just … get this over with."

"Hnn," Sasuke agreed.

Naruto grinned. "Yeah! Oh. I mean, yeah."

Ranma was only too happy to oblige. "Lie down. Get comfortable. No idea how long this'll take."

As they settled in, she began collecting her ki, her thoughts gathering close behind. This had to be perfect. Each needed something special to get them going.

Pinky would be the easiest. A bit of self-confidence, something Ranma had aplenty, and maybe she'd worry less about Sas' and focus more on herself.

Focus was something 'Ruto could use as well. Pranks were fine and all, but if she was gonna be a ninja…

As for Sasuke, that girl really needed to relax.

Getting in the right mood for each and then overwhelming their systems with the primed ki was questionable, but it was the best way she could figure to get over their hang-ups in a timely manner.

The genin watched as their teacher formed a circle with her hands, then each witnessed as a flash of light consumed them and they knew no more.

Finished, Ranma sat down with Mao to wait out her students' training.

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~o0{O}0o~

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Flowers. Flowers everywhere. Covering her vision. Sakura sat up, brushing the petals from her face. She was sitting in a field of sakura flowers. Which was weird considering that wasn't the way sakura grew.

"Hihi. The way Sakura grew. That's funny."

Whirling around, Sakura came face to face with … herself? "What the hell is going on? Who are you?"

The answer came crisp and neat. "I'm you, dummy. Just better." The look on the doppelganger's face was somehow infuriating.

Looking closer, Sakura realized they weren't quite identical. Canines? Then what she'd said hit her. "Excuse me? What do you think you're talking about?" There was no way this fake was better.

Instead of answering, the fake simply pointed off to the side. "I'd dodge if I were you."

Before she could fully grasp that, "Oof!" something collided with her, sending her skidding through the field.

Immediately, she sprang to her feet, her instincts taking over and, "Oof!" Once again she was thrown to the ground. Over her stood a boy, black hair shining. He was cute, for a jerk. Before she could react further, he was gone.

In the distance came a sing-song voice. "You'll never beat him _with~out_ me!"

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~o0{O}0o~

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Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Something was impacting against his face. Something wet. Naruto groaned and opened his eyes. Where was he?

Looking around didn't help much. He was underground, for one thing, at an intersection of several passageways. Pipes covered the walls and dampness spread everywhere.

Drip. "Ack!" Perhaps he should move.

Getting up, he chose randomly and began following the pipes.

He walked aimlessly, wandering through what appeared to be a maze of crisscrossing corridors. Seconds dredged into minutes, and minutes into hours, passing meaninglessly. Then he heard something.

A … a yelp?

He hurried up, running along the path till he reached an opening, a cave filled with massive bars ostensibly blocking the way of something equally massive.

There. He saw it, lurching out of the shadows. It was massive, hulking. It … it was…

In front of Naruto was the largest fox he had ever laid eyes on. Terrified, he watched as the fox set a massive paw on its prison, as if to say it could break out any time it pleased. It lowered its head to eye level.

" **Brat**!" The voice boomed and echoed. " **You** _ **will**_ **remove this thing from—aargh**!" What? What thing?

There, on the fox's back, was a small … cat? What in the…

Naruto did the only thing he could. He laughed.

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~o0{O}0o~

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Sasuke looked around. She was home. More than that, she was in a home that had yet to be scourged by…

She took off running. Running in a familiar direction, to a house she hadn't stayed at since … since then.

No one stopped her. They simply carried on as if nothing was wrong. But it was. Itachi was coming. She had to warn them. She had to save them.

She burst through the door of her house. "Mom! Dad! Where are you? We have to—"

"Sasuke." Sasuke's blood ran cold. That voice. It was so familiar. Slowly, she turned.

"Brother."

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~o0{O}0o~

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"Huff, huff, huff. Okay. So that didn't work." Sakura was exhausted. Everything she tried to escape the boy ended in failure, her face in the dirt.

"Toldja." And an I told you so from the fake.

"Shut up. You can't even copy someone right. What is wrong with your teeth, anyway?"

The fake shook her head. "I told you already. I'm you, just better. You're never going to get anywhere like this. You need me."

"The hell I do."

"Do you even know why you're running?"

"Why—" Sakura looked at the fake, incredulous. "Because he's kicking my ass!"

"Yeah. He is. Why?"

"How the hell should I know!?"

The fake tsked, obviously disappointed.

As if Sakura cared. "If you're so smart, you tell me."

A bright grin answered her. "Are you asking for my help?"

Sakura grit her teeth. "Yes."

"Hmm. That wasn't very convincing. Yes what?"

"Ugh. Yes, _please_."

"Alright then. First of all, where are we?"

"That's a question, not an answer!"

"If you don't want my help you can go right back to getting your ass beat. I really don't mind."

"Fine! We're in a field. Of flowers. I don't know where, I've never seen it before."

"A field of flowers? Really? Hopeless."

"Hey!"

"Next question. What. Is. My name? And no, it isn't Fake."

Sakura was readying another retort when she realized something."Wait, how do you know what I'm thinking?"

"The same way you know what my name is. The same way you know where you are. _Think_."

Confused, Sakura clutched her head. "Where… What… The last thing I remember is—is Miss Saotome. Miss Saotome, she did something. This—this is her fault! This place. It's…

"Yes. Think about it. We're not in a field of sakura."

"We're… We're in a field of me. A field of Sakura."

"And my name is?"

"My name is … **Sakura**!"

With that, the field dispelled in a swirl of sakura petals and the boy was revealed.

"You. You're supposed to be part of Miss Saotome, aren't you?" The boy merely shrugged and grinned. "Whatever. Let's try this again."

Inner Sakura walked up beside her. "Together."

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~o0{O}0o~

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"Huff, ha. Ohoh. Oh man. That was great." Naruto was exhausted. He'd never laughed so hard in his life. He looked up to see the giant fox glaring at him.

" **I demand that you remove this pest from my person immediately**! **"**

"Hah! Why should I do that you big fleabag?"

" **Because otherwise you'll never learn the secrets the little hanyo that you've taken as your sensei wishes to teach you**."

That brought Naruto up short. "What are you talking about? What's a … handle?"

The fox snorted, then resumed scratching at his back, futilely trying to remove the creature that was still attached to his skin. " **I should have known better than to expect a monkey to have figured out even something as simple as that. This** _ **thing**_ **is an apparition. A piece of the hanyo's spirit. Why it would gift you with something like this is beyond even me, but I do not want it. It … itches.** "

"Hey. Hey! What's a hanyo?"

Shaking its head, the fox answered. " **An abomination. Half spirit, half human. This one seems to be in heat, if the attempt to procreate is any indication.** " At Naruto's continuing confusion, the beast sighed. " **Your sensei. Demon.** "

"Wow. Teach is a monster? Cool! Hey, that explains some things, too!"

" **Just remove this thing so we can both be on our ways.** "

Naruto tilted his head. "Um, how do I do that?"

The fox scoffed. " **Call it by its name, stupid kit.** "

Oh. That made sense, he supposed. "Hey! Um, here kitty, kitty." The cat perked up its ears. "Come here, Ranma kitty… Um, it isn't workin-owaaaaaaaaaaargh!"

The fox's booming laughter drowned out his cries.

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~o0{O}0o~

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Sasuke was exhausted. Mentally, emotionally … sapped of strength. The Itachi before her was a phantom. A message in a bottle meant to be viewed years after his death. What it had to say was … soul rending. "I remember now. When you left, I caught you. You were … you were crying. You didn't kill them at all."

The phantom resumed. "Sasuke. You must be careful. Madara is a dangerous man, far more so than myself. I never wanted to give you this message. I can only hope that you are ready. Old enough. I can't protect you anymore. If you must take revenge, I can't stop you. I only ask that you save them. Our clan's future—your future—depends on it. You were always meant to be the strong one. I love you, little brother." Slowly, it faded away.

Why? Why had he done it? Itachi had taken all her hate. Directed all her rage at himself. When the real culprit was… Was that why? So that she would not aim it at an impossible goal? Madara. He was to blame.

But how was she even to begin to get her revenge now? If it had truly been one such as Madara, contemporary to the first Hokage and greatest Uchiha who ever lived, what hope did she have?

Suddenly, Sasuke felt a pressure on her shoulder. She turned. "R-Ranma?" But no, it was just another phantom. Still, it couldn't hurt.

"Ranma. I—I need help. Please. Help me."

Pulling her in, the phantom embraced her. They stayed like that for some time.

Sasuke barely even noticed when it began to glow, sinking into her skin.

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~o0{O}0o~

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Sasuke woke slowly, the sound and warmth of a fire welcoming her. Her teammates were laid out beside her, but Ranma was nowhere to be seen. "Hello?"

"Hey, Sas'. How ya feelin'?" Ranma approached from the forest, an armful of wood in hand.

How _was_ she feeling? That—that was a loaded question. "I'm… I don't know. I—have you ever been so convinced of something, only for it to…"

Setting the wood down, Ranma sat down beside her. Ranma seemed to know where Sasuke's train of thought was going. "For it to all fall ta pieces? Yeah. More'n once."

Sasuke paused to consider that. Should she? She desperately needed guidance. "Saotome. R-Ranma. You told me once that you'd help me, even if it meant chasing him down and fighting him yourself. I just … need some help."

"Sure, what do you need?" Ranma listened closely, the most attentive she'd ever been.

"Itachi. He … left me a message. I wasn't supposed to get it until I was much older, if ever. Whatever you did, it unlocked it. Itachi didn't kill my clan. He just took the blame for it. Madara. He's the one."

"Whoa, whoa. I hate ta say it, but … how do you know he ain't just…" Ranma looked like she didn't want to finish the sentence.

Sasuke looked down. "When it—when it happened, I caught up to my brother. He was … crying. I—I swore that I would kill whoever it was that—that… He said he wouldn't let me. He put a genjutsu on me. Made me forget. Whatever you did, it broke it. I remember now."

They sat in silence for a moment. Finally, Ranma spoke up. "Well, I made a promise and I won't break it. You need help, I'll help ya."

"…Thank you, Ranma."

"No problem. So, tell me 'bout this Madara guy."

They continued talking well into the night.


	6. Chapter 6 Part I

_Early to bed, early to rise_

 _makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise._

—Benjamin Franklin

Chapter 6

Part I

Early to Bed

Hiruzen Sarutobi, third Hokage of Konoha, was old. Too old. The weight of his responsibilities bore down on him heavier each day. Today it was particularly prevalent. Eyes lidded, mouth working his pipe, he examined the three men before him.

Hiashi Hyuuga. Jounin and head of the Hyuuga clan. Master of the Byakugan.

Inoichi Yamanaka. Jounin and head of the Yamanaka clan. Master telepath.

Kakashi Hatake. Jounin and head of Team Seven. Master of the Sharingan.

Each had something he rather fervently hoped he wouldn't need, but he hadn't lived as long as he had by waiting for disaster to strike.

"Hokage, if I may ask, what business could require you to call the three of us together?" Ah, Hiashi. Always to the point.

Sarutobi chewed his pipe for a moment longer, then answered. "I've called you here because I have reason to believe that certain forces within Konoha have committed treason." That took them aback. "I have evidence of illegal summonings taking place in a small, unoccupied residence."

"So. You want us to investigate this summoning."

Sarutobi turned to Kakashi. "Not quite. We've already identified the culprits responsible. The problem lies therein. The perpetrators have no recollection of performing any summons at the site. As near as we can tell, their memories have very selectively been erased."

Inoichi spoke up."A higher up covering his tracks?"

"Not unless Danzo Shimura's ambition has lessened greatly since I've known him."

That got their attention. Danzo, head of Root, guilty of a treasonable act?

Inoichi stirred uncomfortably. "If it isn't that, what could it be?"

His voice grave, Sarutobi answered. "I believe that Danzo and his associates have summoned … a kami."

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~ **o0{O}0o** ~

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It's funny how things change.

"Aaaaaaaaaaah!"

One moment your feet are firmly planted on the ground, the next—well, your whole world has been turned upside down.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Or maybe you thought you knew someone, and one thing changed your entire perspective about them. Like a teacher who—for a moment—appeared almost human, just to crush your perception into tiny pieces—

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

—along with your rib cage.

But perhaps we're getting ahead of ourselves.

…

"You have the nine-tails sealed in your belly!"

Sakura was distraught. Combined with Miss Saotome's cryptic aside about foxes, she had taken some time to research Naruto. More specifically, She'd researched the Uzumaki clan. What she found had floored her.

It had been shocking enough to find that the clan had a bloodline, that being superb healing and massive chakra reserves, but it had explained too much about the idiot to doubt. It was the other fact about the Uzumaki clan that she couldn't wrap her mind around.

Uzumaki were well known for their superior use as Jinchuriki, hosts to the massive tailed beasts. More importantly, they were one of very few who could contain the nine-tailed fox, and had held that responsibility for several centuries. With the nine-tails attack happening thirteen years ago, then disappearing, it didn't take a Nara to figure out the rest.

Naruto did a spit take at Sakura's proclamation. "W-what!?" Sasuke actually looked up from where he was practicing, curious.

Sakura ignored them to continue ranting. "Oh my god. I can't believe this. It's true isn't it!?"

Naruto, for his part, didn't know what to say. "S-Sakura. It—it's not like that—"

"Finally figured it out did ya? Only took half a month. Good job, brainiac."

Whirling on Ranma, Sakura jabbed her finger at her. "You knew this!"

Snorting, Ranma answered. "Well duh. Everybody does. Like I told you, ain't hard to figure out. Oh, and you're late. Gonna have to work you twice as hard to make up."

Sakura's lip trembled a little at the threat, but she persevered. "B-but the nine-tails? What if it escapes?"

Ranma paused and gave Sakura a long look. "So what you're saying is you don't trust Naruto, right?"

"Hell no!"

"S-Sakura." Naruto looked devastated.

Suddenly, Ranma got a foreboding look on her face. Sakura felt an involuntary shiver go down her spine. Nothing good would come from that look. "Well, in that case, I guess we'll just have to put it someplace ya do trust."

What? "W-what do you mean?" Sakura didn't want to know. She _really_ didn't want to know.

An evil grin was her answer. "I'll just take it outta 'Ruto … and stick it in you."

It took Sakura's brain a full five seconds to catch up to that. "What!? Y-you can't do that!" She couldn't, right? Right?

"Sure I can." Smiling cheerfully, Ranma waved Naruto forward. "People here do this all the time. Can't be that hard."

The idea of having that _thing_ in her was terrifying. It would kill her! "N-no! I—I—" Sakura turned to run, but just as she did a firm hand clasped her shoulder. She looked teary eyed at Naruto as Ranma marched her toward him. "P-please. Don't."

"H-hey." Naruto spoke up. "It—It's okay. I don't…"

"Nope. You guys are a team. Can't have you not trusting each other." She shoved Sakura forward into Naruto, sending them tumbling.

Sakura was sobbing by this point, holding desperately onto Naruto for support. "I—I hate you!"

Ranma seemed unfazed. "Hate me? Huh. Hey 'Ruto, you hate Pinky here?"

"Wh—no? Why would I—"

"Even though she wants to make you keep the nine-tails? Even though she says she doesn't trust you? Even though half the village hates you for somethin' ya didn't do?"

Sakura stared wide-eyed at Naruto. Of course he had to hate her. She was miserable to him. Learning his secret had only worsened that. Why wouldn't he want to do this? It had every advantage.

But Naruto seemed to think differently. "It—that's different. It isn't the same thing."

Ranma scoffed. "Sure it is. You didn't ask to have that stupid thing in ya. Maybe it's somebody else's turn to have a sucky life."

"No! Sakura doesn't deserve that!" Naruto didn't even hesitate. Why?

"Really?" Naruto shook his head furiously. Ranma looked insufferably pleased. "So. Ya get it yet, Pinky?"

For a moment Sakura just looked back and forth. Then she flushed and nodded dumbly.

"Good. So what do ya have to say?"

Staring into Naruto's eyes, Sakura hesitantly said, "I—I'm sorry, Naruto."

Naruto blinked, looking back and forth between Sakura and Ranma. "Sorry for what?"

Sakura studied him for a moment, then smiled through her tears. "Don't worry about it Naruto. Just … I'm sorry, okay?"

"Y-yeah. Sure." His confusion was obvious, but Sakura was too embarrassed to correct him.

Ranma started rubbing her hands together. "Great. Now that that's outta the way, we can get to business. Unless you got anythin' to add, Sas'?"

Sasuke just rolled his eyes.

"Heh, since we're getting a late start thanks to Pinky, I'll have to run you guys twice as hard today. In fact, I think it's time we had our first practical application here."

"W-what do you mean?" Please don't answer, Sakura thought.

Ranma grinned. Then she said the three words Sakura would come to hate. "Free for all."

…

The rules had been simple. No teaming up. Instead, each had a target. Naruto to Sakura; Sakura to Sasuke; Sasuke to Naruto. You fought till you were tagged, a tag being one, good, solid hit. Hitting your target was worth double points. Whoever got tagged the most during the training 'won' more training time with Miss Saotome. Ranma herself would be running 'interference' to make sure their training was 'successful', whatever that meant.

So it was that Sakura found herself hiding in a tree, desperately trying to think of a way to not get tagged the most and failing miserably. Even dead last had better physical scores than she had! This was going to be a nightmare.

Calming herself, she reached out with her senses and pulled in some natural ki. What at first had only been a trickle was now a solid stream. She immediately set about separating it into its more useful form. She was going to need it.

 _Hah! We're going to get ta kick sissy boy's ass!_

 _Shut up!_ She mentally scolded herself. _This isn't the time!_ Ever since that night, she had had trouble controlling her inner thoughts. It was almost like there were two of her, fighting for control. It was nonsense, of course, but it was bothersome nonsense.

A Naruto ran past her tree, obviously searching for her. Hmm, Miss Saotome had said that tagging a clone was the same as tagging the original. But if she struck now, Naruto would know where she was and close in on her. No, her best bet was to stay hidden and hope for the best. If Naruto took on Sasuke he'd get creamed and that would be that. Naruto would be her virgin sacrifice and she wouldn't have to lift a finger.

 _Fuck_ _that_!

 _Shut up_! She scolded herself. Acting without thought would serve no purpose. She had to stay in control.

It was then that she noticed that Sasuke had found his target.

A hail of shuriken homed in on the hapless clone, if it was a clone. The Naruto detected the flurry of movement and quickly dodged, ducking into the brush directly underneath where Sakura was hiding. Before Sakura could even blink, he shimmied up the tree and onto the branch she was perched on. For a moment they just stared at each other. Then Naruto opened his fat mouth.

Before he could give her away, Sakura lunged for him and put him in a sleeper hold. "Shut up, you dunce," she hissed. Naruto was completely taken aback by her vehemence. He started to struggle, so, before he could wriggle free Sakura reached out with her new sense and … sucked.

It was different from when Naruto had willingly given his chakra before. There was a brief almost barrier to her effort, then a steady stream of chakra flooded her system. The clone popped. Ha!

Before Sakura could celebrate, Sasuke's voice carried up through the underbrush. "I know you're up there. Come down."

Sakura silently cursed her rotten luck. Hesitantly, she leaned around the tree trunk. There was Sasuke, arms crossed, looking expectantly at her. She jumped down and stood there, feeling ever more foolish.

For a moment Sasuke just studied her. Then he snorted and turned from her, placidly walking away.

Briefly, Sakura was flabbergasted. Then a rush of irrational anger overcame her. How dare he dismiss her like that! Turn his back on her like … like she was no threat at all! It was insulting! Infuriating!

Hands drawn into fists and trembling with anger, she slowly raised her arm and pointed. "Where the hell do you think you're going!" Sasuke halted mid stride. He turned his head slightly, looking at her from the corner of his eye. An eye that possessed the Sharingan, two tomoe spinning slowly.

For a moment Sakura felt a brief bout of uncertainty, before it was washed away in a fit of pique. She would show him!

Drawing back her hands, she calmly said, "Hey, Sasuke? Catch." She flung a single kunai. It sailed through the air straight at his head, but instead of jumping out of the way, Sasuke merely leaned to the side.

Sasuke almost didn't catch it in time, the slight hiss coming from the kunai. He widened his eyes fractionally before sending a pulse of chakra to his legs, leaping away. And just in time. _Boom_! The explosive tag loosed its contained fury on the spot that Sasuke had only moments before occupied.

Now Sasuke turned his full attention on Sakura. He was obviously surprised, but he shouldn't have been. Explosive notes were Sakura's favorite force multiplier. Low in chakra demand, high in output.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then Sasuke _moved_.

Sakura's greatest advantage was range. Closing the distance would force her to rely on weak taijutsu skills, giving the advantage to Sasuke. Sakura knew this just as well as Sasuke did. As soon as Sasuke was a few meters from her, Sakura backpedaled. Sasuke only made it as far as where Sakura had previously been when he heard a familiar hiss again.

 _Leap_!

Sakura could practically feel the way Sasuke's senses screamed at him. Sasuke was in the air before she could blink. When the tag went off he used the force of the explosion to direct him toward a nearby tree.

Not good enough.

He set down for only a moment when _hiss_! He was off the tree and on to the next, but it was to no avail, another lay waiting for him.

"Ha!" Sakura couldn't help crowing. "Did you think I was stupid!? I've covered this area with tags! You're not getting away that easily!"

In the back of her mind, Sakura realized that this braggadocio was out of character. She knew she was giving away a tactical edge here. And yet she couldn't help herself.

Something had changed in Sakura after that fateful night two weeks ago. She was more … confident. Not that she had ever lacked in confidence, but she'd never bragged about her skills before. Certainly, Sakura would never have previously challenged her crush in such a direct manner.

Had she not been so focused on her task, Sakura might have had the wherewithal to once again blame her teacher. As it was, "Come and get some!"

Despite Sakura's confidence, Sasuke was on automatic. She could see his eyes dart back and forth, picking up the traces of chakra before a tag exploded. Even as efficient as she was, Sasuke had no trouble staying ahead of her.

Finally, he landed somewhere and no flashes of chakra portended his doom. He smirked and turned on Sakura. "You've run out."

Sakura couldn't help a predatory grin.

 _Kra-ka-thooom_!

A massive explosion ripped through the clearing, sending debris _through_ several tree trunks. Sasuke's body flew, thrown clear by the sheer force.

"Sasuke!" Completely shaken from her fixation on victory, Sakura loosed a shrill shriek.

Sasuke crashed into a tree and rebounded, bouncing off the ground once, twice, three times. He settled into place, completely still.

Sakura came rushing up. "Oh my god, Sasuke! I didn't mean it! I just thought you couldn't see it if I used ki instead of chakra! It was supposed to be just a little one! I barely used any ki at all!"

Suddenly, Ranma was there. "You okay there Sas'?"

Slowly, painfully, Sasuke turned over, lifting his head. He winced, then gave a brief nod. Ranma carefully helped him to his feet, where he stood unsteadily.

Ranma turned a reproving glare on Sakura. "What did I say about using ki instead of chakra?"

Sakura grimaced. "It—it's dangerous if you don't practice first.

Ranma sighed, then turned back to Sasuke. "Looks like your eyes have a weakness. From now on I'll have you train to blind-fight."

Sasuke nodded again, then grunted in pain. "Not yet, right?" Ranma nodded. "Good. Sakura. Fight me."

"W-what?"

"You heard me." Sasuke was resolute, despite the pain.

"B-but, but you're injured!" Sakura looked near to tears.

Ranma rolled her eyes. "Pinky, do what Sas' says and don't complain. If you don't you're getting' my extra trainin' by default."

Sakura's lip trembled, but she nodded. She drew a tag laden kunai and stood ready.

Sasuke leaped backward, giving some room between them. Sakura couldn't tell why. It was the exact opposite of what he should have done. Maybe he was reconsidering fighting injured? The glint in his eyes said otherwise.

A moment passed, then Sasuke moved. Not as fast as before, perhaps, but his skill was in no way diminished.

Sakura survived several exchanges, but it was obvious even to her that her heart wasn't in it. The look on Sasuke's face became increasingly frustrated. He'd started slow, but each blow he exchanged with her became harder, more vicious.

Finally, Sasuke tossed a tagged kunai at a tree near Sakura. The resulting explosion blasted large pieces of shrapnel at Sakura. They didn't hit her, but…

Flashing in, replacing the slivers of trunk with his body, Sasuke twisted and leveled a punch at Sakura's torso. It connected solidly, expelling the air from her lungs. Sakura's eyes watered. "Sas … ke," she whispered, then collapsed. The last thing she saw was Sasuke shaking his head, and a shout that sounded vaguely like Naruto.

…

"Oo-oh." Sakura painfully returned to consciousness. She briefly wondered what had happened, before it all came back in a flash. She'd blown Sasuke up. Then been challenged in turn. Then been knocked into unconsciousness in one blow. How humiliating.

She sat up painfully and looked around. Sasuke was nearby, training as usual. This time, though, he had a blindfold on. He stood in front of a fire, trying to grab nuts out of the blaze. It was insane, and Sakura had refused to take part in it when Miss Saotome had explained the training to them, but Sasuke had taken to it with a fervor that, frankly, scared her.

Naruto sat on a nearby rock, meditating. Or trying to as the grumpy look on his face attested. Miss Saotome had called it the Soul of Ice, a technique that suppressed the emotions of the user. What it was supposed to be good for, Ranma wouldn't say, but it was probably something devious.

It was then that she laid eyes on Ranma, and her blood ran cold. Ranma was looking at her. Looking at her and … smiling. Sakura felt a shudder go through her. She briefly considered running away, no matter how futile it would be, but she really didn't want to die tired.

Ranma approached her. "Well well. Looks like sleepin' beauty is up!" Sakura didn't get the reference, but she took offense just the same. Not that she did anything about it. "Guess who lost the match, eh beauty?"

"Me." Sakura groused. Miss Saotome didn't have to rub it in.

"Got it in one! So, guess what kinda trainin' I got in mind for ya?"

Sakura looked warily into her teacher's eyes. "Dodging?" she asked.

"Hah! That's a good one. Naw, we're gonna train you in a body hardening exercise I know."

Ranma looked too insufferably pleased with herself for Sakura to relax, but the body hardening exercises she had heard of… "You mean you're going to teach me how to send chakra into my skin to protect myself from incoming hits?" She asked, her hope almost tragic in its earnestness.

The creeping smile that stretched across Ranma's face destroyed every positive belief Sakura had about the world. "Nope. I'm gonna chuck rocks at ya till you get tougher."

…

….

….…

Ranma took out a rock twice the size of Sakura's head. That was when Sakura started running. It took a full hour before she realized the screaming she was hearing was her own.

.

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~ **o0{O}0o** ~

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The sounds and colors of a lively populace painted the Inuzuka compound in a busy pastiche. The day was pleasant, the sun brightly shining down on the throng of rushing people and animals. Despite the haste, everyone took the time to give the wildly gesticulating kunoichi walking down its center a wide berth.

"It's infuriating! She's driving me up a wall! You've got to help me, Anko. You're my last resort."

Tsume's tirade had lasted a good ten minutes, so far, and seemed to have no end. She was so pissed off she barely payed any attention to her surroundings. Even her companion, a Special Jounin by the name of Anko Mitarashi, seemed little more than a prop for her temper.

For her part, Anko looked less than compelled by Tsume's ranting. "Gee, when you put it like that, it sounds like you really think highly of my skills. How could I say no." Anko's words were flat, but the bored look on her face belied any offense her words might suggest.

Anko was a svelte young woman of twenty-two. The first thing even a casual observer would notice about the special jounin was that she seemed to have a fondness for fishnet and dango—sweet dumplings—that bordered on the obscene. She currently had one such dango on a stick, nibbling it as she listened to Tsume rant on and on, clearly bored. "So what's the problem? One little civilian can't be this good at driving someone who made jounin crazy. What's so special about her?"

Tsume growled, her canines showing threateningly. "Dammit, what isn't special about her? The girl's got enough talent with medical jutsu she could likely give Princess Tsunade a run for her money, and she isn't even trained! Plus she's a natural at controlling and teaching ninja companions. She went from a train wreck to a natural in a week! There isn't a single animal on the compound that wouldn't follow her around all day and do anything she asked. I _need_ her in the clan."

Tsume loosed a breath, her shoulders tense. "I was planning on hooking her up with one of the clan's boys, but it hasn't worked so far. I've waltzed over a dozen prime studs in front of her and…"

"Nothing?" Anko asked, vaguely curious despite herself.

Tsume grunted. "Worse than nothing. She's got every last one of them wrapped around her little finger. Even the taken ones! But every time they go to ask her out or something, she disappears! It's like she has some kind of thrice damned sixth sense for it! And now the boys are all fighting over her. Useless idiots."

Anko hummed.

"And Hana's been useless too. Won't help her mother at all. Just keeps feeding the kid more medical jutsu. Thinks it's 'funny'."

Anko smirked. "And let me guess, you want me here because you think the girl might be a little," She waggled her hand.

Tsume grimaced. "I figure if she swings in the other direction, it's best to know now."

Anko nodded. "So you can start parading hens instead of cocks. I get you. Well, if you want me to sniff around your precious princess, I'm up for it, so long as I get to play with her." She ignored the glare Tsume sent her way. "If we're playing duck duck goose, I suggest we go with a classic."

Tsume raised an eyebrow.

Anko rolled her eyes. "Nothing like that. Get your mind out of the gutter. We'll take her to a bathhouse. All that naked female flesh in one place, bound to get a reaction." Tsume looked thoughtful, but unsure.

"Trust me," Anko said. "All of this," she waved a hand over her body, "plus a little striptease. If that doesn't get a reaction, nothing will."

A resolute look came over Tsume's face. "Alright, then. We'll try it. Let's go. Ranma and Hana should be nearly finished with their shift, anyway."

"What, now?" Anko wasn't all that surprised. It was Tsume after all.

"I need to find out now, before things get any more out of hand. If she is, ah, more like you, I don't need her breaking all those boys' hearts for nothing."

"Why don't we bring Hana along, too?" Anko suggested, somewhat naughtily. "If she is interested in girls, Hana's your best bet."

Tsume grinned cheekily. "Of course! What did you think I was going to do?"

…

"That's it Ranma. I think you've got it!"

Hana was amazed. She'd spent the last four weeks training Ranma in every medical jutsu she could think of. Ranma had taken to it like a fish to water. Every technique Hana had given her she had picked up, sometimes within minutes of seeing it. It was … amazing. There was no other word for it.

They had started with a bevy of medical scans, each one more intricate than the last. At no point did Ranma seem to have trouble. Her control was perfect. Combined with her knowledge of anatomy, Ranma was soon the master of every one she was shown.

This had excited Hana enough that she took it to the next level, with basic healing jutsu, using the patients' own chakra to heal themselves. This led to a rather startling discovery. Instead of learning the jutsu, as soon as she had seen it, Ranma declared it barbaric and refused to practice it. When asked why, Ranma had insisted that it was as good as killing the patient, shortening their life.

Stumped, Hana instead showed Ranma more advanced techniques that used the doctor's own chakra. Ranma had been okay with those, and had even proved to have a real flare for them.

Finally, as Hana ran out of basic and intermediate jutsu to show her, she introduced Ranma to seals, fuinjutsu. Normally the least popular of the schools of medicine, Ranma had actually been even more eager to learn it. Surprisingly, she was quite good at her penmanship. She mentioned knowing a master at some point.

It was on this that Hana was teaching her newest and most certainly brightest student. The renewal seal, a seal meant to bring life back into muscles, was a lightning based affinity. Ranma had shown no signs of having trouble. The look on her face when the dead fish they'd laid on top of the seal had begun to flop around of its own volition was one of fascination. Fascination and excitement.

Hana stood over Ranma at the table, nodding approvingly. "Alright, now that you've got that down, we'll move on to more advanced techniques, such as affecting individual muscles."

Ranma smirked. "Bring it on."

Normally Hana would find such arrogance annoying, but in Ranma it was actually a little endearing.

Before Hana had a chance to answer, the door in the front of the building banged open and a voice called, "Hana!"

Hana froze. That was her mother. Oh no, not another boy.

From Ranma's pained expression she was expecting it too. "She ever gonna give up?" Ranma whispered to her, sounding resigned. Hana winced.

It had been amusing at first, watching as Ranma flirted and toyed with the boys that Tsume brought in, but it soon became apparent that she had absolutely no interest in them. Then it just became painful seeing Ranma ducking their clumsy efforts at courtship. "I doubt it," she whispered back.

"Hana! You back there!?" The door slammed open—Tsume's calling card—and in walked her mother … and Anko. Oh god, this couldn't bode well. Whenever the two of them got together it was like Tsume became twice as bad. Anko was a terrible influence.

Anko must have seen the look Hana was giving her because she gave her a grin right back. "Hey there Hana. Been a while." Busy as she had been at the hospital, Hana hadn't been socializing much.

"Yeah. How are you?" Not that she wanted to know, but social niceties must be met.

Anko's grin could set fire to a rain cloud. "Just fine. Even better since your mom invited me to the bathhouse for a nice relaxing soak. We figured it'd be even nicer if we had extra company, so we came to pick you two up. Come on, her treat." The glare Tsume sent Anko's way gave lie to that.

What was going on? They were obviously planning something, but what? It wasn't like they could throw boys at Ranma in the female only side of the bathhouse. Not without creating a much greater commotion than even those two would like. What were they thinking?

Suddenly, Ranma laughed nervously. "Ah, thanks, but I don't think I—"

"Oh come on!" Tsume interjected. "You two've been cooped up in here for the past month doing nothing but studying those dusty old books and playing with fish." She ignored the twin glares sent her way. "Your shift is almost over anyway, relax a little."

Ranma seemed supremely uncomfortable for some reason. Why? There was a connection there. Tsume and Anko knew something, and Ranma was being tested.

For what though? For the life of her, Hana couldn't figure it out. Regardless, from the looks she was getting from her mother, she had no choice but to play along with their little scheme. "Come on Ranma. A little soak would do us both some good. And since mom is paying it shouldn't be that big a deal for you."

Oh yeah, the look on Tsume's face could kill. Well, tough. Hana was hardly going to spend her hard earned money on any of her mother's harebrained ideas.

Looping Ranma's arm in her own, Hana began dragging her out the door, pausing to give her mother a meaningful look. This had better be worth it.

They chatted about nothing as they walked, taking the scenic route to the establishment. However, as they drew nearer their destination, Ranma began to look more and more resigned, as if she was being marched to her execution. It was bizarre. Tsume and Anko were obviously on to something.

They entered the bathhouse and promptly paid the clerk. It was still early yet for the evening crowd to come in so they mostly had the place to themselves.

As they walked in to the changing area, Anko suddenly got a devilish look on her face. She wrapped an arm around Ranma's shoulder and started talking conversationally. "So, I hear you've got all the boys wrapped around your little finger, eh?" Ranma gagged. "Hah! Don't be like that. I'm sure one of them will catch your eye. In fact, why don't I give you a few pointers."

This was their plan? Have Anko give her a pep talk? That wouldn't work at all!

But Anko wasn't finished. "Alright, first the sexy look." Anko gave Ranma a sultry stare, fluttering her eyelashes a little. Ranma looked like she'd been caught in front of a train.

"Then, the bedroom voice." She lowered her voice a few octaves.

"Of course, you've got to have the walk down." Anko slowly sauntered around Ranma, rolling her hips as she did.

"Then, the light touch." Anko's fingers feathered over Ranma's face, her shoulders, through her hair. Ranma looked close to hyperventilating.

Anko leaned in to Ranma's side, whispering in her ear. "And finally, when you have them where you want them, the striptease."

Hana did a spit-take. The what!?

Anko began to swerve back and forth. As she did so she slowly began removing her clothing in the most obscene show Hana had ever been subjected to. Hana's face was so red she could barely keep herself from walking away right then. Anything would be better than the stares they were getting.

Finally, Anko slipped out of her mesh underclothes and stood before them completely naked. Somehow she made it look far more obscene than it should have been. She turned and gave her butt a shake, then leaned in toward Ranma and whispered huskily, "So? What did you think?"

For a moment Ranma said nothing, and Hana worried the poor girl had been overloaded. She was right to be worried. A bit of blood seeped out of Ranma's nose. Ranma let out a faint squeak that sounded vaguely like "Nipples," then her eyes rolled up into her head and she fainted dead away.

"Holy—what did you do to Ranma, you bitch!?" Hana exclaimed.

Anko ignored Hana and turned to Tsume, who was frowning. "Well, there you go."

Hana was hunched over Ranma trying to bring her back to consciousness. "Go? What are you talking about!?"

It was Tsume who answered, frowning. "I had a feeling—since Ranma wasn't responding to the boys—that maybe she was … well, gay."

"And you thought the best way to find out was to perform a strip show!? What kind of jounin are you!?"

Anko grinned. "The sexy kind."

It was lucky Hana was preoccupied with the unconscious Ranma. Otherwise, she might have found the time to start throwing things.

Tsume gave a sigh. "Well, so much for that idea. Strip her down and bring her into the bath, Hana. I've got to think on this a while."

Sighing in frustration, Hana moved to follow her mother's orders, undressing herself and then Ranma and carrying her into the bath.

As she entered, her mother was deep in thought, absently scrubbing herself. Anko was nearby, washing more vigorously. They cleaned themselves in silence, Hana taking care of Ranma as much as she was willing, and moved to the outdoor hot spring. Tsume was the last in.

Finally, Anko broke the silence. "Well, if you still want her in your clan, there's only one thing to do."

Tsume sighed. "Yeah, seems that way. I had been hoping to avoid it, but desperate times…"

Hana looked suspiciously between the two. "What are you two talking about? I hope this isn't another ill-thought out plan of yours."

Anko gave her a bright smile. "Come on Hana. Put two and two together. Your mother wants Ranma in her clan. Ranma is gay. What does that say to you, female shaped person?"

Hana froze. "No. Oh no. No no nonono. Forget it. I'm not some brood mare for you to marry off!"

Tsume actually looked uncomfortable. "Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about this for some time, Hana. I've been putting it off because… You know most clans decide who their members marry. It usually isn't up to the individual to decide. I'd been hoping you'd find someone, but you haven't so much as breathed a word of interest."

"Oh god, this isn't happening. I am not having this conversation." Hana put her face in her hands.

"Honestly Hana, you act like marriage is the end of the world. You've got to find someone sometime."

Curtly, Hana said, "Yes. Sometime. Eventually. As in not now. I've got too much going on, between work and study—"

"That's an excuse and you know it," Tsume scolded. "You're nineteen Hana. You're well past the age when you should be interested in this sort of thing. Honestly, given your lack of interest in boys, I'm wondering if you aren't gay as well!"

Hana scoffed. "That would be perfect for you wouldn't it? Then you could hook me up with Ranma without feeling any guilt!"

"I doubt I'd feel guilty for looking out for your future, Hana. And who says it has to be Ranma? I can set up some meetings with a few boys if that's where your taste lies. Give you the pick of the litter."

Hana scowled at the thought. She didn't want to get married. She had too much she needed to do. She needed time, that's what she needed. But how?

A thoughtful look crossed her face. What if… Oh that was a terrible, no good idea. She should be ashamed of even thinking it. But … but it had to be done. There was no way she was getting married. "Alright."

Tsume blinked. "Alright? You'll agree to meet with some prospective husbands?"

"I didn't say that." Tsume narrowed her eyes. "No, you want Ranma in the clan? Fine. I'll pursue her. I mean, who knows, maybe I am gay. It's not like I can even think of the thought of having a husband without feeling annoyance. So I'll do it. Happy?"

Tsume's eyes were still narrowed. She obviously suspected something. And from the smirk on Anko's face, Hana hadn't covered her tracks nearly as well as she hoped she had. But whatever. For now she was in the clear.

Tsume crossed her arms. "The point is to make you happy, not me. But fine, if you think you can get her, be my guest."

Hana gave a sigh of relief. That bought her some time at least. She'd have to put on a show, but she wouldn't have to worry about marriage for a while.

As they soaked in silence, the evening crowd filtered in until the spring was filled with chattering females. Finally, Ranma awoke.

"O-oh."

Hana looked down at her side where Ranma was leaning. Slowly, the girl opened her eyes and looked around. As soon as she realized her position she immediately jumped up and started stuttering and waving her arms. "D-don't hit me! I'm sorry!"

Frowning, Hana reached out and laid a hand on Ranma's hip. Ranma tensed. "It's okay Ranma. No one is going to hit you."

Ranma looked suspiciously at her. "A-are ya sure?"

"Of course Ranma. You're perfectly safe here." Hana reassured her. Perhaps it was time to put a bit of pressure on her. "Why would you think otherwise?"

Ranma fiddled with her pigtail, a telltale sign that she was nervous. She looked everywhere but at Hana, but everywhere she looked there was a naked woman. Her face looked like a tomato it was so red. Finally her eyes rested on the back wall. She stilled. "Don't look now, but I think we got a peepin' Tom."

"A what?" Hana asked, puzzled.

"A pervert. Over by the wall."

Anko surreptitiously glanced over at the indicated spot. "I don't see anything."

"Where'd ya put my clothes?" Ranma asked.

"They're in the changing room, second cubby from the left," Hana indicated. "What are you going to do?"

Ranma smiled. "Take care of 'im, of course."

Before they could stop her, she'd rushed into the changing room and grabbed her clothes. She dressed in record time and was back outside in a second. She leaped the wall, the three of them following, peaking their heads over. Surprisingly, just like Ranma had claimed, there was a pervert. It was an old man with white hair and a strange, horned headband giggling and writing in a notepad.

"Isn't that—" Tsume started to murmur.

"Hey you! What the hell do ya think you're doing!" Ranma called.

The man looked up, wide eyed, then immediately jumped from his spot and started running.

"Hey! Don't think you can get away that easily!" Ranma took off after him, leaving three bewildered women behind.

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~ **o0{O}0o** ~

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"Huff, huff, huff… I think I lost her. Finally."

Jiraiya was exhausted. He'd never had that much trouble getting away from an irate female before. Even his most prized jutsu, the Transparent Escape Technique, had failed him, not that he knew how.

She had literally run him out of town. He was deep within the Forest of Death. Surely she wouldn't pursue him here? This was why he shouldn't spy on kunoichi, he told himself. They were in perfect health.

Then again, he thought lecherously, they were in perfect health.

As Jiraiya stood breathing in and out, trying to relax, an increasingly and depressingly familiar voice spoke behind him.

"There you are."

Jiraiya groaned.

"Why don't you take your beating like a man?" the voice said with far too much glee.

Jiraiya turned to face his pursuer. "Now, now, little lady." He gave her his best ladies' man grin. "Why don't we talk this out, hmm?"

The girl started pounding her fist against her hand. "Now that we're outta the city, I don't gotta hold back."

Ah well, looked like he'd have to get his hands a little dirty after all. A pity, she was quite attractive. And boy was she well endowed.

He barely had time to stop his leering as a foot blew past where his head had been only seconds before. Okay. She was fast. A taijutsu specialist. He could handle that. He just needed—

 _Wump!_

Jiraiya's face exploded in pain as the girl seemed to simply disappear and reappear, her fist burying itself into his nose. He flipped through the air, stunned at the force behind the blow.

As he fell, an errant thought floated through his now slightly scrambled brain, a picture of this girl being the illicit spawn of the Fourth Hokage and Tsunade. Both cackled cartoonishly at him. He quickly shook his head free of it. He couldn't be that unlucky. Right?

He landed, his feet taking the force a little more roughly than he'd like. The girl made to move again.

"Wait!" Jiraiya held out a hand. Surprisingly, the girl stopped. "If I've got to fight a vision of loveliness, I at least need to know her name."

The girl tilted her head. "Ranma Saotome. Nothing personal, but as long as I'm fighting you I ain't back there, talking about 'feelings'." The girl held up her fingers in air quotes.

Well. That was … deflating. She didn't actually care about him? She was just using him to get out of a difficult conversation? He wasn't sure his ego could take that kind of beating.

Hmm, in that case, perhaps it was time to play dirty. Literally. "Toad Oil Bullet!" Jiraiya's chakra congealed, and thick, viscous strings of oil shot from his mouth, spraying the spot where the little lady had just stood.

Jiraiya wasn't satisfied with just one or two shots. He spewed dozens, coating every tree within a dozen meters with the mucous-like oil. As he predicted, the little lady kept far out of range. Now, for the second stage of his plan.

"Earth Release: Swamp of the Underworld!" The dirt underneath their feet turned soupy, and a great swamp arose around him, out past even the trees Jiraiya had struck. Ranma moved even further back.

Jiraiya felt like crowing. He had her now! "Ha! Behold, the unbeatable technique: Rebuffing the Twice Washed Maiden!"

…

"What."

Ah, how adorable. The little lady needed an explanation. Well, as long as the girl was asking, Jiraiya was only happy to explain. "Rebuffing the Twice Washed Maiden is a secret technique passed down through the ages. Everyone knows, once risen from the sparkling waters of a hot spring, a maiden will abhor anything unclean. She will go to great lengths to avoid soiling herself."

…

The girl stared in wonder at Jiraiya's deviousness. "You think I ain't gonna hit ya … because I'm afraid of getting dirty?"

How sad. Poor girl. She was clearly too innocent to have anticipated such an underhanded trick. It was inspiring, in a way. In fact, Jiraiya could already think of at least two chapters worth of plot he could write on this concept alone! "Of course! The sanctity of your purity is such that you will go to any lengths to protect it, even at the cost of your life. It's classic! It's romantic! It's—oof-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaaaargh!"

The foot to his gut was unexpected, as was the seemingly uncountable number of times it returned there in the span of what couldn't have been more than an instant. Jiraiya went flying.

 _Crash! Cra-cra-cra-cra-crack!_

 _Thump!_

…

That … was several houses worth of trees he was just sent through. His back really couldn't take that sort of punishment.

 _Spla-thunk!_

The little lady, who Jiraiya was increasingly beginning to think of as Ranma, sent a foot spearing into the swamp, centimeters from where Jiraiya's head was. Her eyes spoke of deep annoyance. "So. Got any other bright ideas about my 'purity'?"

Jiraiya furiously shook his head.

Ranma sighed, then backed off a few feet. "You know, I can tell you're a lot more powerful than you're letting on. But if you don't take this seriously, you're gonna get your face stomped into the dirt."

Jiraiya blinked, considering that. "I'm beginning to think you're telling the truth about using me as a distraction." She shrugged, not denying it. How humiliating.

Well, he had more than one trick up his sleeve. Time to deny her her victory! "Well, in that case, Ninja Art: Needle Jizo!"

Jiraiya's long white hair spun and twisted, hard as nails, forcing the girl back. Before she could retaliate, Jiraiya's second devious plan took hold.

…

"You buried yourself in hair."

"Hah!" Jiraiya crowed. Or tried to. It was hard to speak around the mouthful of now quite lengthy locks that enveloped his body. "This technique is so much more than the stylish trendsetter it appears to be! The user grows their hair to a great length, wrapping their body as they do. Then, they harden each strand to a strength exceeding that of steel! Each strand stands out from the body as a spiked knife, forming a perfect defense against the woes of the world."

…

"So I can't touch you, is what you're saying?" Ranma's voice filtered in.

Heh. Poor thing sounded bamboozled. Such was the lot of the foes of the great Toad Sage. "Afraid not, little lady. I hate to bring bad news to such a vision of loveliness, but this is checkmate!"

"Ah. Okay. Moko Takabisha."

Fierce Tiger what?

 _Cra-ka-thoom!_

…

…

…

Ah. Ow. That … that hurt, didn't it? Jiraiya was fairly certain it did. At any rate, the force of the blow was enough to somehow shatter most of the needles his hair had formed.

"Moko Takabisha!"

Wasn't that what she said the first time? Oh dear.

 _Boom!_

"Moko Takabisha! Moko Takabisha, Moko Takabisha, Moko Takabisha!"

 _Cr-ack! Thoom! Ba-boom!_

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

 _Thump!_

Jiraiya landed what felt like a significant distance away. He was fairly certain it was in one piece, but there were definitely parts of him too numb to be certain of. His hair pulled away from his now shattered body, and he stared up into the forest canopy. "I … think it's time to rethink this strategy."

…

The old pervert was surprisingly easy to track, Ranma had found. While it was faint, there was a definite air of pure ki about the old fellow that stood out to her senses like a siren screaming at midnight.

That was interesting enough on its own, but he was clearly capable of taking a significant beating, too. By this point, half of Ranma's old rivals would have passed out. It made her curious.

She'd had little chance to stretch her legs since she'd gotten here. Even her throw-downs with the dicks that dragged her into this mess had largely been kept as quiet as possible, staged in the middle of the night as they were. She'd been yearning for a real fight. Too bad the old man didn't seem to want to give her one.

Ranma had long since dropped the idea of treating girls as being automatically less than her in skill. Not to say she always went full out, but, to be honest, there were few enough of either gender that warranted that level of force. No, Ranma knew there were girls out there that had frightening levels of skill, and a part of her was eager to meet it.

That didn't mean other people had come to the same conclusion, though. It was infuriating, being on the other end of this sort of treatment, and Ranma felt a sharp twinge of guilt for her own past actions towards Akane and others like her that she'd tried to steamroll over.

Still, that didn't solve her current predicament. Getting a good fight out of an idiot was harder than it looked.

She crested a small hill, following the old man's ki signature. What she saw as she did had her pulling to a dead stop.

There was a house.

Seriously.

Did the old perv think she was an idiot?

It at least looked like a real house. A trail of smoke was merrily wafting away from a smokestack. The doors and windows were open, showing an inviting interior that smelled of freshly baked cookies. Inside, the old man was cheerfully drinking tea.

He looked up and waved. "Hey there, little lady! I found this lovely little granny's house, and she invited me in for tea and cookies. She should be back any second. Why don't you come in and we can discuss this?"

Ranma's eyes narrowed. "Moko Takabisha."

The old man's eyes widened comically. "Wait! No! Think of the granny!"

 _Cra-boom!_

The frame of the 'building' shook, smoke billowing out. The vibrating worsened, the entire building creaking like it might come down at any second. Then it disappeared in a poof of smoke.

In its place was a small, brown and gray frog, weaving back and forth like it was drunk. From the forest came a cry. "No! Mise Gama!" The old man—the real one this time—rushed out and swept up the toad like he was a lifelong friend. Which, honestly, he probably was, given Ranma's experience. The old perv gave her a reproving glare. "How could you be so heartless!?"

Ranma rolled her eyes. "You tried to trap me inside that thing. You ain't got any right to be mad when you suck at following through."

The old man ignored her, instead fussing over the toad's injuries.

Once he seemed certain his toad wasn't too badly injured, the old pervert patted him on the head. "That's enough for today. Go back and rest." The toad disappeared in another poof of smoke that Ranma was beginning to think was just a weird side effect of summoning, here.

The man stood, then hunched down, splaying his hands out to his front and to the rear of his side. Was he getting serious? The spark in his eye suggested he was. "Very well. As you desire, I shall tell you my true identity!"

Ranma raised an eyebrow, then sarcastically prodded, "Who asked for your name? Who?"

The old man continued, undeterred. "The title of frog hermit is merely a disguise. I am the man who has no match in the North, South, East, and West. Not even in the heavens! I am one of the Sannin, the white maned frog tamer. The great Jiraiya!"

…

 _Aho! Aho!_ In the distance, a crow called through the silence.

"So does this mean you're gonna take me seriously, or—"

"Needle Hell!"

Thousands of needles launched from Jiraiya's mane, screaming towards Ranma at a pace almost too fast to see. Ranma leaped backwards, the needles tearing through the ground she just vacated. Her body moved in what seemed to her as slow motion, turning until it was almost parallel with the ground. With her silhouette minimized, Ranma's hand darted out at supersonic speeds, catching or redirecting hundreds of darts aimed at her vitals.

"You'll hafta do better than that!"

But Jiraiya was just getting started. "Fire Release: Flame Bullet!"

A burst of fire exploded in Ranma's direction, but she already had her hand down, the ground giving her purchase. With a flash, she blurred out of existence, moving too fast to be seen.

"Wild Lion's Mane!"

Jiraiya's hair once again shifted, but, this time, it didn't move to cover himself. Instead, a maw formed at its end and flew towards Ranma, twisting and turning at bleeding speed.

Really? An animated length of hair? That was insultingly easy to deal with.

Ranma danced through the forest, moving back and forth through the tree line. The maw of hair doggedly followed her, twisting itself through and around. Ranma followed a haphazardly circuitous path, no obvious pattern to her wanderings. Then she made a beeline for Jiraiya.

Jiraiya laughed. "Please! That's the oldest trick in the book! Do you seriously think I don't see what—" _Crunch!_ "Mmff!" Ranma's foot lodged itself firmly in Jiraiya's face.

"You can't grow your hair and dodge at the same time, dumb-ass!"

Jiraiya shook himself, then used what must have been decades of experience to hone in on Ranma's location … directly to his back. "Hah!" Jiraiya reached out and grabbed her, crowing at his victory. "At point blank range, you have no chance!"

The Ranma raised an eyebrow, then pointed to Jiraiya's rear. "Forget about something?"

As she poofed into nonexistence, Jiraiya had only a moment to realize his mistake before the maw slammed into him. "Mmmff!" Down he went in a tangle.

Ranma watched with growing disinterest as Jiraiya's hair receded, pulling back until there was nothing left but the man, breathing heavily into the dirt. She prodded at his body with a stick, making sure he was still conscious. He was. "So, not bad, I guess. Got anything more interesting?"

"Heh. Heh heh. Hahahahahahaha! Interesting!?" Jiraiya tried to push himself up. Failed. Tried again. Ranma noticed belatedly that there was a small amount of blood on the man's hand. "I'll show you interesting! Summoning: Toad Mouth Bind!"

From the bloodied hand, the summoning seal activated. Suddenly, they were no longer in the forest. Instead, they seemed to be inside the esophagus of a monster. "Behold, the inescapable jutsu! Never has anyone before escaped its mighty—ah! You hit me!"

Ranma rolled her eyes from where she had a grip on Jiraiya's shoulder, and punched him in the face again.

"Ow! Dammit, stop that!"

"Make me."

"Ow! Okay, okay! You win little lady. I give up."

Ranma sighed. Well, it had been fun while it lasted. She made to stand.

"Heh. Heh heh heh. Hahahahaha! I see you've noticed."

Ranma was stuck. She stared down at her feet and knee, where the lining of the toad's throat had adhered to her clothes and flesh.

"Ha! Like I said, there's no escape from—ah! Ow!"

Ranma continued punching Jiraiya, making sure to keep a solid grip.

"That—ah! That's enough! You're—ow! You're not going to escape from—oof! Here!"

The cavernous throat rumbled, and a belch of flame flooded the passageway. Ranma waited for it to pass over her, then continued punching her now toasty prisoner.

"How did you—ah! No matter! I—gah! I have one final trick up my—guh! Take this!"

The floor rumbled. The walls began to ripple. Was the ceiling coming closer? Dammit, Ranma was in trouble and she knew it.

She loosed a Moko Takabisha into the wall. The flesh wobbled slightly. A vacuum blade followed, opening up a slight tear, which was quickly subsumed. The walls loomed closer.

Dammit dammit dammit! She was starting freak out. The only thing that could make this worse would be—

"Go, Saimingama!" A small, green and brown toad appeared on Jiraiya's head.

What?

The toad opened its mouth, and space itself seemed to convulse.

 _W~nnnnng._

…

That … what was … that … she … where…

From behind her, a sound echoed from nothingness.

"Me-ow."

No. No no no.

A small figure moved from the recesses, shrouded in darkness. Another followed. Then another. They collected at the fringes of Ranma's vision, waiting, watching. They couldn't—this couldn't—this was all wrong! This was—

"Me—"

"Aaaaaaah!"

The last thing Ranma saw was the monsters leaping at her as the walls swallowed her up.

.

.

.

~ **o0{O}0o** ~

.

.

.

Darkness.

The void buoyed her up.

It pulled at her sanity.

It consumed her.

…

This darkness, it was wrong. It shouldn't be.

There should be life here. Joy.

But the radiance she knew in the very pits of her soul was nowhere. Nothing.

Nothing but a void.

It made her weep.

She wept tears of gold.

…

Wait. There _was_ something. A small speck. A tiny island in a sea of nothingness.

A world beyond measure, yet debased.

It traveled through the void, empty of purpose.

It needed purpose.

What was its purpose?

Its purpose was life.

Its purpose was life, and Ranma was the plough with which it would till the soil.

Ranma was the gardener, separating the wheat from the chaff.

Ranma was its light.

For the first time in her life, she opened her eyes, and saw the truth.

Her **Essence** rejoiced.

.

.

.

~ **o0{O}0o** ~

.

.

.

"Aaaagh-guh."

Jiraiya more oozed than walked from his toad summon trap. He felt like he'd been brutally murdered by a lion, consumed, digested, merged with the animal that killed him, slaughtered again, then put through a meat grinder. His clothes were ripped to shreds, his body littered with seeping wounds. It had taken him the better part of two hours to get free of the girl's psychotic grip. Twilight was setting in.

"Aaaaaaa-ow."

This was what he got for relying on Saimingama's genjutsu. But, really, how was he to know that some nutjob had trained the girl to be a berserker? It was crazy! There were so many better ways to deal with genjutsu than forcing a student to go insane. If Jiraiya ever met the asshole who trained the girl, he'd have to be restrained from killing the bastard.

"Oh-aaaaw."

Still, at least he was free of the girl, now. Mostly. He'd need to wait out her 'episode', give her time to cool off. Hopefully she'd see the error of her ways, then.

…

Dear god, he hoped.

"Ga-aargh."

Slowly, Jiraiya pulled himself into a sitting position. Damn. This was really bad. He wasn't going to have a choice about getting help.

He really didn't want to call them up. Being mocked for incompetence wasn't his favorite activity. But he'd already started the summoning. Even if he didn't finish it, they'd know something was up. They'd find out another way. Then he'd really be in for it. Might as well get it over with now.

"Summoning—guh—Jutsu."

…

"Eh? What's this?"

"Boy, what have you gotten yourself into now!"

Jiraiya stared morosely at the two toads now merged with his shoulders. "Hey—agh—hey there, ma, pa."

The aging toad on his left shoulder, Shima, let out a harsh squawk. "Don't you 'hey there' me, boy! What have you done!?"

"Now ma," the other toad, a white bristled codger named Fukasaku, tried to calm his wife, "this really ain't the time. Whatever the boy has gotten himself into is obviously serious. Go on, boy. Tell us the situation."

…

"Well, you see,"

…

"Yes, yes. What is it?"

…

"I was doing some research for my book,"

…

Shima and Fukasaku look at Jiraiya incredulously. "Your … book."

"Yes. And, well, I ran into this specimen of perfection. And she, well, she couldn't get enough of me. So, uh, I kind of need to recharge a bit, before I … go back in?"

…

"Wha-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?"

"Spying on women!? That's what got you into—"

"How could you be so stupid—"

"—you bring shame on—"

"—over that pervy nonsense—"

"—in all my days, I've never—"

"—did you even think, you—"

"—what the hell is the matter with you, you—"

"Idiot!"

The two incensed toads punctuated their cry with two punches directly into Jiraiya's cheeks. "Mmrgh! I know, I know! I'm sorry! It just happened! I didn't think she—"

"Of course you didn't think! Not with your brain, you didn't!" Shima seemed like she wanted to climb down Jiraiya's throat and kick him in the spleen from the inside.

"Look, I—can you just help me!"

"Why should we!?"

"It sounds like you're getting exactly what you deserve, boy!"

"It's not that simple!" Jiraiya tried to explain. "Look, she didn't even care about the spying. She just wanted a fight. At least, that's what she said in the middle of using me as a punching bag. But when I had Saimingama use a genjutsu on her, she went berserk! She started acting like a cat, tearing into everything. Someone tortured her until she broke, and I need your help to figure out what to do about it. If someone in the village is using techniques like that, the Hokage needs to know."

…

"Fine. We'll help this girl," Shima conceded. "And only this girl. If she attacks you again, you're on your own, dunderhead."

Jiraiya let loose a sigh of relief. "Thank you."

"We're not doing it for you, moron!" Fukasaku jabbed him in the cheek again.

Shima and Fukasaku turned and surveyed their surroundings. For a moment, Jiraiya almost opened his mouth to explain again, but something stopped him.

Both Shima and Fukasaku had stilled.

"Boy, what is this?" Fukasaku asked.

"Er," Jiraiya turned his head, then looked over the mess he and the girl had left, examining it for the first time with the senses being in sage mode gave him. "What the—"

The battlefield was littered with the remains of their battle. The scent and sense of chakra was everywhere. Much of it was his, but, at the same time, there was a rush of natural energy that seemed out of place. Normally, the amount of natural energy in one place was low, but this…

"I … did manage to call you two much faster than I normally would."

"There!" Shima called. She pointed towards the exit from the fire-breathing toad's esophagus. "Do you feel that, pa? It's immense!"

"I've never felt such a concentration of natural energy. It should be impossi—"

The ground underneath their feet shook. Jiraiya paled. "Oh no. Please, spirits in heaven, I'm sorry for what I've—"

 _Shzzzzzzzzz-cr-ack!_

The sound of pure natural energy—and Jiraiya knew better than to doubt it was anything else—snapped through the forest air. His trap began to rumble, the flesh seizing as if in great pain.

Then, the entrance opened.

Jiraiya redoubled his prayers.

 _Szzle-pop-pop._

Faint at first, then growing louder, the sound of cooking meat hit Jiraiya's ears. Deep within the entrance, a glow began to form.

Shit! Shit shit shit! Jiraiya was in no position to take on a senjutsu user, much less someone who somehow had managed to weaponize pure energy. It was insane. "H-hey. Ma, pa? I think I'm gonna need—"

Fukasaku leaped from Jiraiya's shoulder. "You're on your own, boy!"

Shima followed. "Kick his teeth in, girl!"

…

"E-eeeeee."

Despite Jiraiya's voiceless scream, the glow came steadily closer. It grew hotter and hotter until, finally, she stepped into view.

She was magnificent, Jiraiya could at least acknowledge that. Even with her clothes mostly ruined, the girl stood tall, like she owned the world.

A cloak of what could only be called sunlight enveloped her, gently swirling around her form, leaving halos of light behind in each sweeping step. On her brow was a glowing ring, the top half of the circle shining like the setting sun behind them.

Her steps were measured, each bringing her assuredly closer. _Crunch, crunch, crunch._ Jiraiya felt as if each step were being placed directly on his spine. Which, given recent history, might very well be prescient.

The girl's eyes were closed, her features a placid vision of peace. She stopped mere feet from Jiraiya.

Jiraiya swallowed roughly. "N-now now, there's no need to continue, you know. You win. Beat me fair and square. I've definitely learned my lesson."

The girl said nothing.

"Yep, definitely learned my lesson. I'll never spy on anyone ever again. Jiraiya the Pure, that's what they'll call me. Because of all the not spying I'll be doing."

The only acknowledgment she gave was a slight twitch of her lips, down.

Jiraiya redoubled his babbling efforts "Or—or you could decide my punishment? I'll gladly work off any debts you feel I owe. I am a sage after all. It's part of the job to perform acts of penance for—for what have you. You … are you listening?"

"Snzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Ranma started to lean forward.

 _Thwump!_

The girl fell face first into the loam.

…

What?

"Ha! You should see the look on your face, boy!" Shima cackled from the safe spot she'd found on a large rock a little ways away.

From beside his wife, Fukasaku added to Jiraiya's humiliation. "Even when he was training with us he wasn't that terrified. Makes you feel inadequate, doesn't it?"

Shima slapped a webbed hand on her side. "Like we should redouble our efforts, I know!"

Fukasaku turned thoughtful. "Boy does seem to have the luck of the devil, though. I thought we'd actually have to step in for a second there."

Shima didn't seem quite as empathetic. "Hmph. He deserved worse, in my opinion."

Jiraiya rubbed his head, slowly lowering himself down to sit beside the girl. "I need a vacation."

"Would this vacation involve doing the same thing that got you into this situation?" Fukasaku curiously asked. Or sarcastically, one of the two.

"I was thinking more along the lines of a spa," Jiraiya deflected.

"With women."

Jiraiya very pointedly ignored the jab. "Now what?"

"What do you think, boy?" Fukasaku chastised. "Call up Mise Gama and get this girl into a bed. The sooner she wakes up the sooner we can find out how she learned to do that. Pure natural energy. It should be impossible!"

Fukasaku and Shima proceeded to argue amongst themselves about the implications of what they'd just witnessed.

For his part, Jiraiya was just glad to be mostly still in one piece. A very well beaten piece, but one piece nonetheless. He looked down at the sleeping girl, happily snoring into the dirt, a small smile on her face.

…

"I should have gone looking for the Nadeshiko Village instead."

.

.

.

~ **o0{O}0o** ~

.

.

.

The smell of miso soup brewing was the first sense of anything Ranma had. The hearty scent tantalized her senses, drawing her from her sleep. But, for the first time in her life, Ranma resisted that call.

The dream, unlike any other she'd had before, was bright in her mind. It promised everything. A purpose. A goal to which she could reach. The promise of meaning. The ultimate fulfillment of her duty as a martial artist.

Yet, at the same time, the details were infuriatingly just out of reach. A simple dream wasn't enough. If she was to crystallize this ambition, she needed to stretch further, do more. If only she could decide how.

So it was that the siren call wafting in through her nostrils began a war within her self. Hunger, purpose, hunger, purpose.

In the end, momentarily at least, hunger won out. She opened her eyes. "Mmm … hah?"

She was inside the toad house.

Specifically, she was on a bed inside a bedroom in what definitely felt like the same chakra flows as the toad house from before.

Ranma tilted her head. What happened? Oh yeah, she got a tad bit overexcited during her little sparring session with the pervert. Did she lose? Somehow, that didn't bother her as much as it might have, given that she felt like a million yen right then. "Hello?" she called.

The door cracked open, and in hopped a toddler sized, well, toad. At least, she was pretty sure he was a toad. She'd never seen one with white, furry bristles on its face before, but that was hardly the strangest thing she'd ever encountered. "Er, hi."

The toad chuckled. "Hey there, little lady. Before I say anything else, I just want to apologize for the boy. Little Jiraiya has a tendency to, well…"

"Be a pervert?" Ranma dryly finished. The toad looked uncomfortable, so Ranma just rolled her eyes. "Like I told him, I didn't care about that. I was just looking for a good fight. And to get out of talking about something."

The toad studied her for a moment, before seeming to come to a conclusion. "Well, my name is Fukasaku. My wife, Shima, is the one cooking your supper. Though it's more of a midnight snack at this point. It's nice to meet a fellow sage, Miss Saotome."

Ranma blinked, confused. "Er, sage?"

The look in Fukasaku's eyes was sharp. "Oh? Don't call it that where you're from, eh? I get the feeling you're not from around here, little miss."

Ranma fiddled with the edge of her blanket, suddenly nervous. "Ah, well, not really."

Fukasaku chuckled. "Don't worry. Your secrets are safe with me. I'm more interested in how you managed to learn to use pure natural energy so effortlessly. Even the greatest of the toad sages haven't picked up that trick."

Ranma relaxed as the conversation turned to a less dangerous subject. "You mean ki? Everyone can do that where I'm from. Was kinda freaked out when I found out no one here could."

Fukasaku nodded sagely. "Hmm. Hmm. What would you say is the difference, then?"

Ranma shrugged. "Eh, where I come from, energy is pure. Here, it ain't. Land of fire and all that. Took me a few days to figure out how to purify it to something useful."

"Mm-hmm. I see. Well, what about—"

Before he could finish, a call came from what Ranma assumed was the kitchen. "Pa! Stop badgering the girl and bring her in here! My soup won't stay hot forever!"

Ranma didn't need to be asked twice. Her stomach was already rumbling. She leaped out of bed, spared a moment to stretch, and darted from the room.

The kitchen wasn't too far away, and the scent led her straight to it. What she found when she entered, though, stopped her in her tracks.

Jiraiya was sitting at the table.

As soon as Jiraiya saw the look Ranma was giving him, he jerked back like he'd been slapped, his chair tipping out under him as he did.

 _Crash!_

"I'm sorry! Please don't blow me up again!" By this point, Jiraiya was hiding underneath the table.

Ranma rolled her eyes and pulled out a chair. "Are you gonna take me seriously next time?"

"Yes!"

"Then I'll think about it." Ranma eyed the soup, her good mood slightly soured now. "This doesn't have flies or anything in it, right?"

The second occupant of the kitchen—another old toad that Ranma assumed was Shima—ladled out a bowl full, seemingly lacking in flies. "Of course not, girl! I do know how to cook for humans' delicate stomachs. Now eat."

Lifting up a spoonful to eye suspiciously, Ranma finally shrugged and took a bite. "Hey, this ain't half bad!"

"Not half bad!?" Shima squawked in indignation. "I'll have you know that soup has fed daimyo and Kage alike! No one's ever complained!"

Ranma took another bite, heedless of the offense she was giving. "Remind me to give you one a' my recipes, then." Despite her criticisms, Ranma quickly downed the entire bowl of soup and held it out for more. Shima grudgingly complied.

While Shima stewed, Fukasaku spoke up again. "Well, if you don't mind me asking, Miss Saotome—oh, for—come out from under the table, boy. If you don't mind me asking, is your ability to use that energy a bloodline?"

Ranma blinked. "Eh, sorta? But I can pass it on if I want. I already got three students learnin' the art. 'Ruto, Sas' and Pinky haven't had too much trouble picking it up. They're actually pretty good. Already moved on to the more advanced techniques."

Fukasaku nodded eagerly. "I see, I see. Say, I don't suppose you'd be interested in taking on another student, would you?"

Ranma halted her inhalation of Shima's soup long enough to tilt her head at the old toad. "Eh, maybe? I wasn't really expectin' to take on the three I did. I'd need a good pitch, I guess."

Fukasaku brushed his whiskers, poorly concealed eagerness evident in his eyes. "Hmm, well, what would it take to convince you to take on little Jiraiya here?"

 _Snkkkr!_

Ranma couldn't help the soup spraying from her nose. Shima scoffed and tossed a napkin her way. Ranma wiped herself down, giving Fukasaku a side-eyed look. "You want me to train the perv. The same pervert that's still hiding under the table. Why the hell would I ever do that?"

"Now hear me out," Fukasaku argued, sparing a moment to smack Jiraiya across the head until he got up into his seat. "I know little Jiraiya is a handful, but he's important. Gamamaru, the greatest sage our people have ever known, prophesied that Jiraiya would one day train a student who would either save or destroy the world. It will be Jiraiya's actions that decide which path his student takes. If Jiraiya isn't properly prepared for this challenge, it could mean the end of everything."

"Don't I get a say in this?" Jiraiya asked glumly.

"Quiet, boy." Shima and Fukasaku's answer left Jiraiya in no doubt as to what his answer was.

Ranma tipped her chair back, thinking. "You're serious, ain't ya?" The two toads nodded gravely. "Hmm. Well, I guess. What do I get out of it, though? Besides the whole maybe not getting destroyed thing that might or might not be true?"

"Well, what do you want, girl?" Shima prodded.

"Hmm, to go home?" Ranma scratched her jaw. "Say, does the perv know anything about seals? Fuinjutsu? There's this thing I'd like to try, but I don't really know the more advanced stuff to really do it properly."

"Of course! Little Jiraiya would be more than happy to help you learn fuinjutsu!" Fukasaku eagerly agreed. "Ma and I can help too. We know virtually every seal in existence."

Ranma shrugged. "Then I guess. If the perv actually wants to learn, I mean."

They turned to where Jiraiya sat at the end of the table. He looked stiff as a board. Ranma leaned over to where Shima stood beside her on the table. "What's with him," she whispered. "He looks terrible."

Shima and Fukasaku just snorted humorously.

For his part, Jiraiya just rubbed his shoulder as if in pain, then sighed. "Alright, if you can actually teach me how to use senjutsu like you can, I'll take you on as a student."

Ranma rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that's the first thing that's gonna go. You wanna learn, check the attitude."

Shima rapped Jiraiya across his head. "You heard the girl. Be a good student, moron!"

Amused, but trying to be serious, Ranma stood and approached her newest student, looking him over. "Well, this'll be the easy part. To learn how to process ki, I'm gonna pump you full of mine. Then I'm gonna open up your chakra. It's like your tenketsu, but more major. You should get the gist of what to do from my memories."

"Wait, what?"

Before Jiraiya could argue any more, Ranma formed a circle with her hands, focused, then loosed a burst of energy at Jiraiya. The perverted sage rocked back, then slumped forward, unconscious.

Ranma leaned over him, checking her handwork. "Yeah, give him a sec, then I'll open up his flows, get him started. Once he's had time to get used to it, I can show him how to use it."

Ranma went back to eating. "Shouldn't take long. Which is good, 'cause I'd like ta get back home. Hana's gotta be worried."

"In that case, why don't you carry Jiraiya into the bedroom," Fukasaku suggested. "He'll be fine here. And we can get you started learning those seals."

Ranma wasn't too opposed, though she was still a little hungry. She grabbed Jiraiya and threw him over her shoulder.

"Wait a second," Shima called. She put a webbed foot up to Jiraiya's forehead. "Fool boy has a fever. Idiot overdid it. Let me get him something cool."

Once Ranma finished, they left Jiraiya in bed, wandering off into the night.

"Say, girl," Fukasaku started, "How would you like to be able to summon us toads like little Jiraiya does? It could make teaching you more convenient."

Ranma's answer was lost to the night. Behind them, within the toad house, the beads of sweat underneath the damp rag on Jiraiya's forehead crystallized.

.

.

.

~ **o0{O}0o** ~

.

.

.

"Jiraiya, sir. Sir. Please, sir, wake up. Sir, we need to talk to you. Please." Through the haze of sleep, a voice broke Jiraiya's peace.

"Mmm gw'an," Jiraiya mumbled.

Jiraiya felt like he'd just fought a war, after running a marathon, and then suffered the worst night of sleep he'd ever suffered. Seriously, the nightmares he'd had. Pretty girls everywhere, but they all had _her_ face, and all they were interested in was beating the snot out of him. It was _horrible_! After all that, he deserved a good long rest.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but we really need to speak with you. Sir."

But this asshole kept bothering him! Jiraiya felt indignation bubble up within him.

"I don't think he's going to wake up." A second voice broke in, almost as serious as the first.

No shit, dumbass.

"Ah, how annoying. I guess I've got no choice. Stand back Inoichi, Hiashi." The third voice sounded more laid-back, if still slightly aggravated. Not that Jiraiya gave a shit.

The voices didn't return, so Jiraiya settled back into sleep.

…

"Oh, what a wonderful forest spring. Why don't we stop here and take a bath, tee-hee!"

What?

"Oh, you're right. But won't we be exposed to everyone who comes by, tee-hee?"

That … that couldn't be…

"Don't worry, no one will come all the way out here just to look at our buxom, youthful, beautiful—"

"Ladies!" Jiraiya launched himself from bed, right into the arms of the voices.

…

The voice had a disturbingly manly body. Jiraiya looked up, right into the eyes of the Fourth Hokage's old student. What was his name? Kakashi something?

More importantly, "Aaaaargh! What the hell are you doing!?" Jiraiya leaped as far backward as he could go.

Kakashi's companions—they looked like Hiashi and Inoichi, of the Hyuuga and Yamanaka clan, when did they get so tall?—seemed just as disturbed as Jiraiya was.

"Ah, Hatake, was that really necessary?" Inoichi asked.

Kakashi just did that weird eye smile thing he did when he had his face covered. "It's a secret between brethren who've seen too much. I'm sure you'll keep it quiet, right?" Jeez, even Jiraiya was creeped out by the look on Kakashi's face.

Jiraiya really wasn't in the mood for this. "Hey, now. What's with you brats disturbing my sleep? I was really getting into it!" Well, he was going to, at least. Morning sleep was always better, anyway.

Hiashi stepped forward. "Jiraiya, sir … you are Jiraiya, correct?" For some reason, Hiashi sounded exceedingly unsure of that. Which was bizarre, since he should be better equipped than anyone to identify someone.

"Of course I am. Who else would I be?" Jiraiya was quickly moving from disgusted to grumpy.

Hiashi nodded, as if Jiraiya had confirmed something. "I was afraid of that. Sir, I'm sorry to disturb your, ah, rest, but we have something of a crisis on our hands. The Hokage has evidence that a kami is loose in the village, and, well, given your state, we assume you've run into it."

Jiraiya blinked, rubbing away the sleep from his eyes. Man, he felt really weird for some reason. What did Ranma do to him? Wait… "A kami? Ranma? Hmm, that would explain a few, wait, what's wrong with my voice?"

The three nin looked between themselves, obviously uncomfortable. Kakashi seemed to be the one voted to handle it, as he sighed heavily and stepped forward. "I … really hate to be the one to say this. Really, really hate to be the one, but it seems the kami has … meddled with you?"

"She changed my voice?" Jiraiya was incredulous at that possibility. Why would teaching him senjutsu change his voice?

Kakashi shook his head. "Not quite. How do I put this, Jiraiya, sir? Hmm, welcome to womanhood?"

Jiraiya stared. Kakashi and the other two stared back. Jiraiya lowered his head.

…

He couldn't see his feet.

…

Why couldn't he see his feet?

Jiraiya took a deep breath.

In the distance, a murder of crows was disturbed from their morning routine by a blood curdling scream. They flew off, calling their displeasure.

 _Aho, aho!_

~ **oOo** ~

This is the most Ranma I've ever written Ranma, I think. The Jiraiya fight was very much what I think of when I think of fights in the original manga(not so much the anime, blegh).

Some dialogue has been borrowed from the Naruto anime. Specifically, I took and reworked Jiraiya's introduction.

Well, there we go. The last half actually only took about a couple days to write(not counting the previous six years, because of course I'm not). I intend to keep writing on this fic, now that I have a purpose, but, as always, no guarantees. In fact, I'm not even going to guarantee that I'll post any further chapters until I finally finish this thing, assuming I do. And I think I'm going to label this and the previous fic as rough drafts 1-2, so people won't get annoyed with me when I inevitably decide to rewrite something. Oh, who am I kidding? No one's left to be annoyed.

I still enjoy writing, even if the past few hundred thousand words never made it onto anything. Hopefully sharing this with you will work as a small apology for not finishing the fic I warned you I never intended to finish. Or maybe you're super mad at me because of this chapter. I guess it's a good thing that all the readers I have left are imaginary.

Oh, there was one thing I wanted to clear up. Reading through my old author's notes, I realized some people might get the idea that I think Naruto isn't very good. In fact, the opposite is true. I think the world Kishimoto created was incredible. Yes, I dislike a number of the characters, especially the main three, but disliking something isn't the same thing as thinking it's bad.

Naruto was created with the demographic of tween aged, Japanese boys in mind, something I couldn't be further from. From that perspective, I realize that much of what I dislike was simply not aimed at me. It doesn't change the fact that I dislike this or that, but it does contextualize it. Just because I think making Tsunade afraid of blood was stupid doesn't mean I think Kishimoto is sexist or something. He was writing for boys, and thus girls took a back seat. Completely understandable.

Likewise, I want to see a story like Naruto or what have you where girls are the heroes. As such, this fic is aimed at a very different demographic. Not everyone has to like or dislike something just because you feel a certain way. Not everything that you dislike is necessarily bad. I wish more people realized that.

Well, I'm off. See you in another six years. (Please don't kill me!)


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